NOTE: This site is a humor site. Everything here is sarcastic and should not be taken seriously. I don't really believe any of this crap. I am not a crackpot. This is satire.
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The First Column (June 8, 1998)
This is my first posting to this page. I want anyone reading this page (especially any MIBs) to know that I don't subscribe to all these conspiracy theories floating around. I mean, come on, is it really so hard to believe that Kennedy was killed by a lone gumnam, and not a secret cabal of crack-dealing time-travelling alien CIA Mafia Rotarians? Lincoln, sure, but not Kennedy.
Any organization as large as our (or most other governments), is bound to have a couple things going on behind closed doors (and some of them don't even involve interns), but if even half of the secret agencies in these theories existed, our taxes would come to about $10,000,000 apiece (dark suits and sunglasses are expensive). And why do all these evil agents wear dark suits and sunglasses? Hey, if I just saw a UFO, the last guy I would open the door to would by a guy dressed entirely in black. It seems like they would be much more effective secret agents if they wore bermuda shorts and South Park t-shirts (oh my god, they killed Mulder!).
And why would they care about whether or not we know that Kreblon from Arcturus has been droppong by to leave cryptic new-age prophesies in between anal probes of unsespecting farmers? And another thing... why the continued probes? You would think that a highly advanced alien being would know all he needed to know about the subject after one probe.
But the worst are the lecturers. I saw a couple of these dudes on TV. They each were talking about different conspiracies, ranging from UFOs infiltrating our government to Soviet psychics infiltrating our government. All of these guys say the same thing: "The CIA wants me dead. They don't want you to hear the truth." Bullshit. While its true that the CIA isn't exactly batting 1000, and can't even keep track of the double agents in its HQ and Indias nukes (given to them by an alien Hitler clone, no doubt), but I think they could track down these losers. An aluminum bus driving from one convention center to another (each of which is booked in advance and made public knowledge) can hardly escape the notice of even the most inept superspy. The premise of aliens infiltrating our society is pretty dumb anyway. What would they need subtlety for when they've got faster-than-light ships, can shoot at us from so high in orbit than even Tommy Lee couldn't bat them down. But no, not only do they not dare fight us directly, but we shot down one of their ships in Roswell (in the friggin' 1940's!). That's like some guy in Lexington shooting down a Stealth bomber with a musket (P.S. Muskets don't kill people, people kill people).
Saturn: Ring of Doom? (June 22, 1998)
Hey, maybe I'm just paranoid, but is anyone else spooked by Saturn? I mean the car company, not the planet. Saturn has never, to the best of my knowledge, put on a commercial which does not hint at some sort of eery, sinister plot. Let's recap the reasons why I will never buy a Saturn (aside from lack of money):
Does this mean that the Saturn company is a CIA death cult Mafia alien conspiracy. Well, OK, maybe not. But even so, do you really want to answer the phone at 3 in the morning and hear: "Hi, my name is Ned. I have a Saturn too!" I didn't think so
Hidden Messages?: American Pie
(July 14, 1998)
NOTE: It should be obvious to anyone
reading this that it just a bunch of bullshit, but just in case,
I'm putting another disclaimer here. This is not a serious
argument, but rather a demonstration of how fun it can be to
think up stupid shit of absolutely no relevance or coherence,
which may explain why Clinton looks so happy. Of course, that
could also be explained by the hummers.
It has recently come to my attention that there is a secret message in the old '70s (or was it '60s) song Bye Bye Miss American Pie. Let's take a look, shall we?
OK, first, there's the part everybody knows: "Bye Bye Miss American Pie, Take the Chevy to the Levy, but the Levy was dry"
Now, what the hell is that supposed to mean?! What is a levy? Maybe it's not a what, but a who. Now, who is named Levy? The only person I could think of is Eugene Levy (of SCTV fame). OK. Now we're getting somewhere. One piece of the puzzle has fallen into place! But why are we taking the chevy to him? Again, this could be a person, not a thing. The only person named Chevy I can think of is Chevy Chase. Just what is the connection between Eugene Levy and Chevy Chase?
OK. Eugene Levy was on SCTV. Chevy Chase was on Saturday Night Live. Both were popular sketch comedy shows. But that's not enough to go on. But, Chevy Chase starred in The Three Amigos with Steve Martin and Martin Short. All three were on Saturday Night Live at some point. Also, Martin Short was a regular on SCTV! Now it starts to fit. So even though Eugene levy and Chevy Chase never worked together, they are linked through Martin Short. In fact, the song is not really pointing to Chase and Levy at all, but to Martin Short! But that would be too simple. Instead, the message is telling us that two men: one named Martin, and one who is short, are the true culprits.
Now, this song was from the '70s (I'm pretty sure), and the government is oftem involved in these conspiracies. Now one of the men was short. Henry Kissinger is pretty short. So he is one of our two culprits. But there was probably also a Mob connection. Sinitra had Mob ties. But he would never involve himself and besides, his name isn't Martin. However, one of his "Rat Pack" cronies was Dean Martin. He is our second assassin.
OK, we have deciphered the culprit! but what did he do? Well, there is a line about the day the music died. Hmmm. Music died. Famous dead musican! Elvis! That's it! Henry Kissinger and Dean Martin killed Elvis!