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Exactly How do We Know That They Aren't Just Making This Crap Up? (June 9, 1998)
I want to start this column (as well as this page) off by saying that I am a great fan of science. I love hearing about what new particle, planet, technology, etc. the eggheads come up with. But sometimes, when I see the latest science news on CNN, I have to ask myself whether these intrepid pioneers of the unknown are really discovering the inner workings of the universe, or just riding on the greatest scam ever conceived.
True, the techno guys probably aren't pulling anything. We have proof whether or not they're lying when the product rolls out. But the quantum physics guys keep spewing out particles: muons, gluons, neutrinos, etc. You and I have never seen one of course. To see these things (detect may be a more precise word but who gives a crap?) you need a multi-million, or multi-billion, dollar device (technical name: gizmo). I don't happen to have that much spare change since I spent my last billion on my nuclear arsenal (so my neighbor better turn the friggin stereo down at 3 in the morning!!), I can't exactly verify these findings. It is most likely that these particles do exist, but there is a faint possiblity that these guys in white lab coats just get really drunk and start rattling of particle names. I knew a couple pot-smokers in high school (maybe that's why they call it that), and the stuff they come up with sounds a lot like what the physics crowd has to say (although, to be fair, Stephen Hawking never called me at two in the morning to tell me that the universe if made of a giant ball of mystic yarn and then ask me to send over twenty pizzas and a bag of Fritos).
It is exactly this sort of smart-ass (better a smart ass than a dumb head) attitude and irreverence with which this site will handle science. Just as soon as I can get a maid in here to clear away all the damn neutrinos.