Now is the Windows of Our Discontent
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The First Column (June 1, 1998)
NOTE: This is my first attempt at a humor column, so it will probably suck a bit.
Well, the whole Bill Gates fiasco is drawing to a close, and I still don't know quite what to think of it. On the one hand, Bill Gates is just one Nair mishap away from being Lex Luthor. On the other, Janet Reno may be doing more harm than good to the computer industry. I mean, come on, she said herself she doesn't even use a computer, yet she spearheaded the charge (sure she passed the job on later, but the first few months the ball was in her court). Is this the kind of investigation we want our government to do? Investigate Gates, but don't, under ANY circumstances, let someone work on the case unless he or she can at least play a game of computer Solitare (for those who don't know, it's a stupid little game that comes with your PC, and it's worse than crack).
Besides, there are plenty of other issues we computer users want solved. And we care more about these than those nebulous charges.
Well, that's it for this post. If you think of other vital issues, then send them to me at surfname01@aol.com and they may appear in a future column.
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DJ10K, or Why the Hell Can't We Figure Out We'll nedd More Friggin' Digits (June 2, 1998)
Just as I was getting over the anger and bemusement over how the dudes that set up the computer industry could let the Y2K (year 2000) problem occur, I find out that there is a new demon threatening us. The DJ10K problem, as I have taken to calling it. No, DJ10K isn't some new rapper, or a show where robots rip on bad movies. DJ10K pertains to the fact that, when the Dow Jones hits 10,000, every economical program will come crashing to a halt and we'll end up with recession, rioting, chaos and anarchy. I just hope that people don't take to wearing leather like they do in all those post-apocalyptic movies. Hey, just because the damn commies dropped a nuke on you doesn't mean you all run out and join the Village People.
Anyway, the reason these computers will all screw up is that the dudes who programmed them only allocated four digits to the Dow Jones Average (whatever the hell that's supposed to mean, I keep all my money in a box). This means that, when the Dow Jones hits 10,000, all these computers will think that we just had the worst crash in history, and the Dow plummetted to 0! OK, that's the bad news, but there is a bright side...
A lot of investors have their portfolios automated. And a lot of those accounts will panic sell really primo stock! I think I'll pick up some Microsoft cheap!
The worst thing about the DJ10K problem is that we had a warning in the Y2K problem. But did we give a shit? No. And since no one will learn from DJ10K (You know, the more I type that, the more awesome my acronym-making abilities seem), I have taken this chance to compile a list of just a few of the many other potential problems:
As you can see, until we start allocating more digits into our programs and operating systems, we'll keep running into these *$Rtl-433292192e0w12`1-98`
Oh, sorry about that, my system is on the blink. I think it was MD10.
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