Sci-Fi & Fanasy Humor
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Top 11 Secrets in Final Fantasy VII (September 2, 1999)
11. Cloud keeps his hair all pointy with Mako energy
10. Cait Sith is a dark Jedi (but you should have figured that out by the name,
duh!)
9. Sephiroth is Cloud's father, and Tifa is Cloud's sister.
8. Final Fantasy 8 is coming out soon so this is not really the FINAL fantasy
now is it?
7. Charlton Heston runs across the screen in the ending screaming "Mako
energy is made of people! It's PEOPLE!!! Aaargh!"
6. After the meteor hits, Charlteton Heston steps into view and screams at
Sephiroth "You blew it all up! You madman! You blew it all up!"
5. Cait Sith: gay
4. Go to the Gold Saucer Battle Arena with Cloud, Yuffie and Tifa in your
party. have Cloud fight. if Cloud wins all 8 battle's it shows Yuffie and Tifa
engaging in lesbian bondage sex while they wait for Cloud to finish fighting
(Hey, this game DOES have anime influences!)
3. Go into the Downed Gelnika, and look behind that one panel in the north
room. Find special item: JFK Jr.'s Corpse
2. After defeating the Proud Clod and existing Midgar after your second
invasion of Shinra HQ, go back to Aeris house and look in her dresser. Find
special item: Aeris's Hustler spread
1. Cloud is the third Summers brother
Bugenhagen is a stupid dick
In the game ending Cloud sends Red XIII to obedience school because he chews up the team's boots and won't stop humping Barret's leg
Vincent Valentine is really Marylin Manson
Top 11 Lines We Will Never Hear In a Star Wars Movie (August 27, 1999)
11. "Hey, Han Solo! Guess what I just noticed about your name!"
10. "My name is Lando, and I'm an alcoholic"
9. "Meesa the God of Hell-Fire!"
8. "Hey, Leia, I've been thinking, and, well you know Han's gonna be out
of town and maybe one of us got switched at birth, so, you wanna go at
it?"
7. "Keep Tattooine beautiful. Please deposit all refuse in the nearest R2
unit"
6. "And for only $19.95, you can order the Porkins Home Fitness system.
The only home fitness system endorsed by Porkins!"
5. "Wow, I must say, that Mr. Binks is a very engaging personality. We
simply must invite him back soon."
4. "Wow! There sure are a lot of stars out there! Wars too!"
3. "I have a good feeling about this..."
2. "Light Side, Dark Side... I'm the guy with the lightsaber!"
1. "Hey everyone! Luke's got a girlfriend, and this time she's not evil,
insane or related to him!"
Even More Top 10 Superhero Porn Movie Lines (August 21, 1999)
10. "I'm the best there is at who I do"
9. "Dammit Peter! Are you stuck to me again?!"
8. "Wow, Apocalype, I thought you could just morph those arms into
weapons!"
7. "Hey, like my Green Lantern cockring?"
6. "That's why they call me Colossus"
5. "Mrs. Grey, meet Cyclops"
4. "That's why they call me the Beast"
3. "Go go Gadget nipple clamps!"
2. "Um, sorry, but that's why they call me Speedball"
1. "Hey Wonder Woman, bring that lasso over here and make me tell the
truth"
Top 10 Superhero Porn Movie Lines
10. "Now you see why they call me Mr. Fantastic! hehe"
9. "I'm faster than a speeding bullet!" (OK it wouldn't be a GOOD
porno)
8. "Up, up, and away!"
7. "Oh my god! You're my temporal counterpart? And we just--
Eew!" (gay porn only)
6. "Wonder Twin Powers... Masturbate!"
5. "Hey, who don't we ask my clone to come in and make this a
threesome"
4. "Hello Mrs. Richards. I'm the transdimensional transponder
defribrilator repairman." (Bow-chicka-bow-bow music starts playing)
3. "Well Jean, it's just my legs I can't move, and you know what
they say about bald guys..."
2. "Oh yes! Make me angry! You'll love me when I'm angry! Oh yeah baby,
get me really pissed off! Yeah that's it!"
1. "My Spidey Sense is tingling, and so are my nads!"
Yet More Crossovers, Amalgamations, and Alternate Timelines We Have Yet to See (January 23, 1998)
Excerpt From a CS Officer's Logs: The Cornholio Incident (January 22, 1999)
NOTE: If you are not familiar with the RPG Rifts, this won't make sense. It probably won't anyway
From CS Officer (anonymous by request): "It was terrible. We investigated a rift and found a D-Bee wandering around in front of it. The thing was hideous. Obviously not human. The body was spindly and short, the head was huge, much taller than a head had any reason to be. It was almost as tall as the whole rest of his body. The face was twisted and hideous. It was just marching back and forth with its arms up in the air and its shirt pulled up witht he back collar pulled to the forehead in what I can only assume was some sort of ceremonial wardrobe.
He noticed us. At this point, Col. Branigan had his plasma rifle raised and at the ready. We ordered the thing to go back into the Rift or be destroyed. But it was weird. It stared at at, said 'Are you threatening me? I am the Great Cornholio!' Then it just started running all over the place, trashing everything. Branigan fired his plasma rifle, but it was too late. The foul creature easily dodged the blast. He moved like a juicer. I think the researchers at Lone Star would love to get their hands on the 'Crappachino' he kept mentioning, whatever that is. The creature had gotten a hold of some mega damage M-80s and had destroyed our APC and most of the squad. Most likely because we did not have have what he sought. 'TP for his bunghole,' whatever that means"
Since the filing of this report, the CS military has standing orders to shoot on sight the strange creature known only as "Cornholio"
Boba Fett's Top 5 Least Favorite Jobs (January 22, 1999)
5. Retrieve wallet he dropped in guts of Sarlacc
4. Track debtor who escaped into folds of Jabba's flab
3. Battle a group of blind smugglers (his one weakness, he barely made it out
of there alive)
2. Get license renewed at the DMV (even the fearless Fett fears this infernal
place)
1. Palpatine's personal bather
Top 10 Reasons Superheroes Always Win (November 3 1998)
10. Supervillains are
always distracted by seeing underwear on outside of pants
9. If you capture your greatest enemy, tie him up in your basement, reveal your
plans, and then leave him unattended and hope that the dynamite does the trick,
then you deserve to lose
8. Just how sharp can a guy who dresses in a purple and black cape and calls
himself Dr. Destructor Master of Evil really be
7. Supervillainy is caused by deep-seated feelings of inadaquacy and
self-loathing. As such, the poor deluded fools sub-consciously sabotage their
own best efforts
6. The superhero sold his soul to the devil to never lose a fight
5. Superheroes are always played by people like Dolph Lungren, Sylvester
Stallone, and Wesley Snipes. Supervillains are usually played by skinny British
guys
4. If the villain ever does destroy the hero, then he may never know what the
deal is with the "sidekick" who lives with him
3. It's all rigged, which is why these guys all look like professional
wrestlers
2. Superheroes often have their own them song, and anyone with their own theme
song is one bad dude. Just ask Shaft or Darth Vader
1. Hey, the supervillains are all dumbasses
Carry On My Wayward Clone (to "Carry On My Wayward Son" by Kansas) (July 17, 1998)
Once I rose above the
retcon confusion
Found out my history was just a crappy illusion
Sales soaring ever lower, but I will not die
'Cause the clone was me I still was a dumb-ass
Though Magneto's cool, I still am a bad plan
I hear the voices when I'm dreamin', I can hear Scott Lobdell say
Carry on my wayward clone,
For the books'll suck till you are done
Lay your useless brain to rest
Now don't you suck no more
Masquerading as a character with a reason
I'll be in 18 crossovers this season
And if I claim to be Magneto, it surely means that the books blow
On a boring stream of angsty emotion
Acting like excrement from your colon
I set a course for the X-Mansion, and I can hear Scott Lobdell say
Carry on my wayward clone,
The books'll suck till you are done
Lay your useless brain to rest
Now don't you suck no more
Carry on, the readers want you dismembered
Carry on, was Lobdell on a bender?!
So what if your plotline is still emtpy
Surely a retcon waits for you
Carry on my wayward clone,
The books'll suck till you are done
Lay your useless brain to rest
Now don't you suck no more
Top 10 Rejected Heroes Unlimited Superpowers (July 14, 1998)
10. Alter Physical
Structure: Feces
9. Bizarre psychic ability to know the exact thoughts of Sylvester Stallone at
all times
8. Deja Vu
7. Metamorphosis: GM's Favorite NPC: Grants the character amazing bonuses, the
ability to fudge dice rolls, and the uncanny ability to return from death ad
nauseum
6. Grow Nose Hair At Amazing Rate
5. Hero has the strength of 2 men!
4. Deva Vu
3. Superhuman Armpit Odor
2. The ability to reprogram the VCR clock after a power outage
1. Atomic Colon
Top 10 Reasons I Quit Reading the X-Men (July 13, 1998)
10. Hey, how many
mysterious, somewhat
sinister-seeming-loners-without-any-background-data-available can these guys be
stupid enough to let join (It's more difficult to be accepted in the Network
Video than to join the X-Men)
9. It's just not as fun reading about spandex-clad mutants now that they're
showing less of Jean and Rogue
8. One word: Joseph
7. Four more words: No more friggin' clones!
6. So let me get this straight, the X-Men lost their jets, spacecraft, and all
that other stuff. I can't wait to see them chase after Sinister in a Chevrolet
5. They just suck
4. Actually, due to events in the last retcon, I have never read or even heard
of these "X-Men"
3. Just what exactly is the deal with Apocalypse's lips? Maybe that's why he's
called A-Pack-of-Lips
2. Buttafuoco, Buttafuoco, Buttafuoco!
1. Wolverine's mutant power: Healing Factor & Heightened Senses. Cyclops'
mutant power: Optic Blasts. Scott Lobdell's mutant power: wrecking a perfectly
good book
Loveline in the Marvel Universe (June 17, 1998)
AC: OK, we are back from commercial and ready to talk to Peter from New York. What's your problem Peter?
PP: Uh, yeah, well, I was uh, masturbating, and, well, my hand is stuck.
Dr. D: Well, this could indicate a medical problem. Do you have any sort of medical problem that could have caused this?
PP: Well, there was that spider bite, but...
AC: Look, it's real simple, just pour some nail polish remover on your penis
Dr. D: And I would seek medical attention
AC: Our next caller is Reed, also from New York
RR: I was just watching Baywatch, and my erection is 12 feet long
Dr. D: And you are concerned about this medically?
RR: No, I just like to brag
AC: Next caller is Scott from Massechusets
CS: I suffer from premature ejeculation
Dr. D: A ruby-red quartz cystal condom should help
AC: Next caller is Pietro from New York
PM: Uh yeah. Do any of you guys know a way to shut off super speed. You know, when you're, you know. Oh never mind
Crossovers, Amalgamations, and Alternate Timelines We Have Yet to See (June 17, 1998)
Here it is, the
plot for an upcoming X-book. Given to you now by the great psychic power that
is the Rickmeister (with a little help from JavaScript).
is
to
Meanwhile, the rest of the team is busy battling
Unfortunately,
is not able to focus on the fight because of angst due to
so the team is almost beaten when
says something that's supposed to be inspirational but is really just a
bunch of sappy crap, and
snaps out of it just in time to save the rest of the team from almost
certain doom.
Also, Beast is close to finding a cure for the hideous plague that is
Random Star Trek: Voyager
Plot
Once more, I use
my considerable mental abilites (and JavaScript) to bring you news of the
futre. So here it is: the plot of an upcoming Voyager episode
is
Meanwhile,