THE RIKONIAN WAR
CHAPTER IX
Weasel Boy was walking down the dusty streets of the old West-type town when he saw something he never thought he would see. "My god! That's Weird Al Yankovic! My hero! I know, I'll wait for him inside this donut shop!"
AnubisXy, feeling hungry, as he usually did after a reanimation, decided to get a donut.
"Hey, you have any donuts?" he asked, cheerfully.
"Nope," said Michael Tong, the proprietor of the establishment.
"Um, then what do you have?"
"We have that crazed weasel over there."
"OK, I'll take it!"
* * *
Matthew Braydon stood in the shadows. He had been hired to do a job, an important job. To kill AnubisXy. After a false start on Earth, where he almost killed a popular song satirist before realizing his error, he had finally found his true target. He withdrew an energy sword and leapt out at the insane necromancer (who was travelling with some kind of hidously mutated ferret or something). "Prepare to die, AnubisXy!"
"What?" Weasel Boy shouted, "you mean you're not Weird Al?! I'm out of here then!"
"Haha! It looks like your friend has deserted you! Now I shall slay you, for I am a Xy Slayer™!"
"Why did you trademark your OCC like that?"
"How can you tell that I... oh never mind! Prepare to die, you evil necro freak!" Braydon slashed out with the sword and ANubis just barely moved out of the way. The blade slashed through a wooden collumn supporting the town's water tower. The huge bucket thing on top teetered precariously.
"Hey, can we talk about this?!" Anubis asked.
"AnubisXy, I am your father!"
"Really?"
"No, but, that'd be weird, huh?" Braydon slashed out with his energy sword again and neatly cleaved Anubis' head from his shoulders.
* * *
Draconis was sitting on a porch stoop, waiting for Enterres to get back, when he saw someone approach. "Oh hi, Ronin! Huh, Ronin, but aren't you... dead?!"
"Guurgh!"
"Huh, good point there buddy, heh heh. Still, I mean, I did see you..."
"Guurgh!"
"Wow, I never thought of that! Good to have you back, buddy!"
"Guurgh!"
* * *
Wargod ran out of a Phase World kareoke bar and, in his haste, knocked Thor down. Both Deadboy and his band and Mav and his band took the chance to flee the scene.
"You, new guy! Why did you knock me down! I'm Thor!"
"Maybe you should put thum ithe on it, then!" Wargod retorted.
Thor smacked him on the back of the head with Mjolnir. "Thor hates that joke!"
"Ow! That hurt! Hey, listen, the old one eyed guy..."
"You mean Odin?"
"Yeah, the old cranky one eyed guy sent me to find you. Apparently, Ragnarok is going off or something!"
"Ragnarok?! And I never got a chance to kiss Karluy-kins goodbye!"
"Um, er, yeah right, whatever. We have to get to Asgard fast!"
"Yea verily, to Asgard then!"
"Why the hell didn't I take that job as Paragon's god of war?" Wargod wondered as he followed Thor to the nearest rift to Asgard ($5.49, $4.25 on weekends, kids under 5 and senior citizens ride half price)
* * *
BruteForze the Blaize and Tymerro the Cosmo Knight had, after hours of drifting between dimensions, finally found Rikonia.
The pair landed and marched toward the giant balck diamond spire of the main capital.
A giant robot gaurd stopped them. "Halt! State your business!"
"Um, we are here to kill the Lord High Rikonian!" BruteForze said.
"Hold on, let me see if you are on the appointment list... You are not. Leave now or die!"
"So if we were on that list, he would have let us go in and kill the Lord High Rikonian?" Tymero wondered.
* * *
Enterres' motley crew of would be world savers had all gathered at the saloon. Enterres was looking at some arcane and mysterious scrolls. "Ah yes. The old prophecy!"
"Where'd you get those?" Flash Fighter asked.
"Lictalon had a yard sale." Enterres explained. "Ah yes, let's see. 'A hero shall fall to the switch of death...' done that. 'An evil reflection shall arise...' done that. 'A gathering of heroes, brave and true...' er, ah close enough! 'An evil king flirts with thunder...' what the hell does that mean? Oh well, 'The ship from the heavens shall fall and slay the mystic with the scroll...' Wow, wouldn't wanna be that guy! Damn, the other pages are missing! It doesn't tell us where the portal is! We'll have to make one!"
"So, uh, how do we do that?" Knight asked.
"I have looked at this world, and it does lead to the main realm of Rikonia, but we would require extreme destructive force to open the gate."
"Right-o, then!" Weasel Boy shouted. "I know where this is going! Barkeep, give me some chili, some tequila, and some old rancid pickled eggs!"
"That, uh, won't be necessary Weasel," Enterres quickly said. "What we need is an explosion, preferably in the nuclear range of damage!"
"OK, then that barkeep better hurry!"
"No, Weasel, we will not travel through a fart-induced portal!"
Unseen, Ronin picked a knife off of the bar, and raised it high over his head. "Guurgh!" he shouted as he brought the blade down toward Flash Fighter, who at that exact moment realized his shoelace was untied and bent down to reite it. The knife blade slashed through empty air. "Guurgh!" Ronin shouted in frustration.
"Watch your language!" the bartended admonished. "We have a lady present!"
"We do? really?! Awesome!" Weasel Boy said as he turned around looking for the newfound feminine presence. "Eeuch!" he quickly added when he saw it.
"You see sir, "Wargod said, "I told you to change before we came here!"
Just then, a chicken with a handgun was skulking int he shadows, drawing a bead on Enterres' head when Thor grabbed it, and bit its head off. "Mmm! I love chicken!" he shouted, and he proceeded to scarf down the bird, raw.
"Guurgh!" Ronin growled as he advanced on the Thunder God with his knife.
"Nay! I shall not share my dinner with you!"
"Guurgh!" Ronin raised the knife.
"Nay, tis my chicken dinner!"
"Umm, Thor, uh, I think he's trying to kill you..."
"Huh, wha, er, oh yeah, ye may be right."
Enterres looked closely at Ronin. "Hmm, he smells like rotting flesh, bits of him have started falling off, and he is attracting flie,s not to mention the fact that his verbal skills have gone downhill. That, combined witht he fact that we are dealing with an insane necromancer, leads me to the inescapable conclusion that our friend Ronin is now, in fact, a werewolf!" Enterres withdrew a revolver and shot Ronin with a silver bullet. "Take that you lycanthropic scum!"
* * *
Billy Bob Coffin was sitting at his word processor sipping a Billy Beer (little known fact, Billy Beer is in fact named for Billy Bob Coffin), when there was a knock on the door.
Opening the door, Billy Bob saw Matthew Braydon standing there holding a glass jar with Anubis' head in it.
"Wow! Finally, someone brought me the head of ANubisXy! Come in, come in!"
"You have the merchanside, as per our agreement?"
"Yes, yes, Rifts: Lemuria, Mechanoids II, and TMNT II! All fully written and illustrated, just give me the jar quickly!"
As a contented mercenary left the small shack carrying the three rarest RPG tomes int he megaverse, Sheriff Billy Bob Coffin held up the jar with one hand, wagged a figner at the head within with his other hand, and said "this is what happens to people who get eveyone to call me Billy Beer Bob Coffin! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
* * *
The Lady B'rsl'yr jumped out from behind a building with a gun drawn, aimed right at Braydon's heart. "Stop! You slew the megaverse's one chance of defeating the evil Lord High Rikonian!"
"But, uh, he was evil too!"
"Well, yeah there is that, but we needed him!"
"Hey, um, you wanna read Rifts" Lemuria, with me?"
"What? That book was never written!"
"Yeah, it was. Billy Bob Coffin gave it to me when I gave him the head of AnubisXy!"
"Cool!"
"Yeah, let's go get married and hang out in Atlantis!"
"Um, OK!"
* * *
Enterres' gang was standing around outside the saloon. Enterres was still trying to figure out the best way to open a rift to Rikonia. Suddenly, Elemental walked up to him and said "Perhaps the heavens hold the key."
"Yes, you are quite right, perhaps the greater mysteries of the mystical realm will help us to..."
"Um, yeah, that could work, but I was thinking more along the lines of an out of control skyboat crashing toward the saloon."
The others backed quickly and nervously away from the saloon, but Enterres just stood by the saloon, scratching his chin. "Why yes, I suppose that could work, but it would be highly unlikely, and... hey, what made you think of that particular scenario, eh, Elemental? And where are you all going?" Enterres mused. Then, he glanced up, and said "oh (comments deletid by CDA)!!!" as an out of control skyboat crashing toward the saloon crushed him.
The Skyboat's captain, one Mekitsune Chumbawumba, and his first mate, the phone Crazy known as Bri, landed shortly thereafter, having bailed out in parachutes. A third parachute, which appears to be empty also landed nearby.
"What the hell was that?!" Flash Fighter demanded. "Why did you crash into that bar and kill our leader?!"
"Well, I was flying my skyboat, and, well, first I had a whiskey drink, then a vodka drink, then a cider drink, thena lager drink..."
"OK, I think we get the picture..."
"I was singing a song to remind me of the good times, and a song to remind me of the bad times..."
"All right, we get the damn picture, shut up!"
"Oh, Danny Boy, Danny Boy, Danny Boy... I get knocked down, but I get up again. I get..."
"SHUT UP!!!"
"What? Er, hey, you didn't have to yell!"
Xar stopped the argument by shouting "HEY!, Look over there!" He pointed at the crater where the saloon once stood. There was now a strange swirling vortex.
Elemtental had a smug smile on his face. "What do you know, an out of control skyboat crashing into the saloon was enoguh to open the rift!"
* * *
The Lord High Rikonian sat on his throne and brooded. Everything was so close, but there were many powers in the megaverse, and they surely would not be content to see their plans for dominion spoiled by a single godlike entity, even one of powerful, intelligent, and sexy, let's not deny it, as the Lord High Rikonian.
"If only the Zerstorer had not been turned back, I would have already conquered this damn Megaverse!"
The doorbell rang. "Would someone get that?" he Lord High Rikonian shouted testily. "No? Oh all right... sheesh, I'm two days away from being supreme overlord of all creation and I still have to answer my own damn door!"
When the Rikonian opened the door, he saw a guy in a brown jumpsuit holding a clipboard standing next to several cardboard boxes. The initials "HMDS" adorned his shirt, hat, and the boxes.
"Michael Tong from Hermes Megaversal Delivery Service!"
"I didn't order anything!"
"Uh, sure you did. Let's see, 15,000 bottles of Billy Beer!"
"Yeech, I don't drink that stuff!"
"What? This is the Vagabond Uprising message board fanfic, isn't it?"
The Rikonian gestured at the opulent foyer leading to his throne room. "Does it look like the Vagabond Uprising fanfic?"
"Um, sorry, sir! Oh wait, I do have something for you, I guess the manifests got mixed up!" Tong withdrew a small padded envelope.
The Lord High Rikonian snatched the envelope away and shut the door. A few minutes late,r he opened it to see Tong still standing there. "Well, what the hell do you want now?"
"Um, a tip is customary..."
"Bah! The Lord High Rikonian does not tip!"
"Well, then, um, payment is usually customary, too. That was a COD, you know."
The Lord High Rikonian waved his hand and Tong collapsed. "Yes," The Lord High Rikonian mused, "you are quite right, how silly of me... corpse on delivery..."
As he returned to his throne room, the Lord High Rikonian noticed the evil alternate Captain Riko flying in through a window.
"Hey, I jsut had that window fixed! And there was an open one right next to it!"
"Oh, sorry... hey, you're that lord high dude? My god, you look just like me!"
"No, you look just like me!"
"Yeah, whatever..."
"So, what took you so long?"
"Huh? Oh yeah, sorry. I got a little lost and found a dimension of cute little puppy dogs. I had to stop to kick them all. Lucky for us I have Riko Speed™ or I'd still be there."
"Yes, well. You have arrived, the skyboat has fallen. Those fools do not realize that by coming here to stop me, they are handing the megaverse to me on a silver platter!"
Just then, a tall man in gleaming gold armor walked into the throne room. "Lord High Rikonian!" he shouted. "I, Ares, the new All-Father of the Olympian pantheon pledge our support to your cause!"
"Yes..." the Lord High Rikonian mused. "Everything is going as I have foreseen. Nothing can save the Megaverse now!"
Only one installment left!
What is in the package?
What will become of AnubisXy's head?
Will people ever stop ribbing Billy Bob Coffin?
Who will gain control of the Megaverse?
And will Prosek make that "never gonna dance again, guilty feet have got no rhthym" song the new CS anthem?
Stay tuned for the answers to these and other inane questions!!!
On to Epilogue (fina-goddamn-ly)