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Rikonian's Rental Revuze  OK, I know I said I'd review every movie I watched, but guess what, I'm a lying bastard, deal with it! Seriously, I have neglected this part of my site (well, the whole damn site to tell the truth), but now I will once more review some damn movies, only I decided to just do rental movies (You know, the kind you can't find reviews for) and I have columnists or guest writers or something.

You are # to check out Rikonian's Rental Revuze since 7/19/2000.

THE 4-5 CLUB
For your conveneience, here are links to all the movies which earned a rating from 4.0 to 5.0.
NOTE: There is no 4-5 club for commentaries, since I only mention those that I can recommend.
Army of Darkness. Angel's Dance. Austin Powers. Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. Boondock Saints. Dirty Work. Dracula 2000. Dracula 2: Ascension. Dreamscape. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Highlander. High Strung. Mr. Frost. Pirates of Silicon Valley. Punisher. Shaft. South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut. Total Recall. UHF. The 13th Warrior (reviewed by Proteus454).

THUMB SERIES: Genre: Comedy Parody
FILM_RATING: 4.5
COMMENTARY RATING: 4.5 (except for Bat-Thumb, which has a serious commentary)
COMMENTARY CAST: Steve Oedekirk and various cohorts, except for Bat-Thumb, which had the director doing a solo commentary.
With the exception of Bat-Thumb, these are some very hilarious commentaries, especially Thumb Wars and Frankenthumb. Steve Oedekirk is a comic genius. But then, what else can we expect from the guy who gave us High Strung?

UHF: Genre: Comedy
FILM_RATING: 4.0
COMMENTARY RATING: 4.5
COMMENTARY CAST: Weird Al, his director, Michael Richards, Victoria Jackson
This commentary is great. Weird Al gives the kind of vocal performance that one would expect from a comic genius like him. This is also the only time I've ever seen a DVD commentary where a commentator stands up in the frame and points at the screen.

ARMY OF DARKNESS: Genre: Horror/Comedy
RATING: 5 boomsticks
STARRING: Bruce Campbell, some English people, and quite a few zombies
PLOT: This movie has it all! Well, OK, maybe not everything, but close. It has time travel, zombies, wit, one of Bruce Campbell's better performances, and lots of chainsaw-slicing and shotgun-blasting of evil dead guys.
Ash (Campbell) who has already had his girlfriend get possessed and try to kill him and had to cut off his own hand, gets time warped back to medieval England where he has to get the Necronomicon back to return to his own time. He screws up, an army of darkness (hence the title) arises, and one of the coolest battle scenes I have ever seen transpires. This movie rocks.
VIEWING ADVICE: I would recommend watching it from a videotape so you can go back and rewatch stuff, but however you do it, SEE this movie!

APT PUPIL: Genre: Suspense
RATING: 3 old creepy Nazi bastards and .7 of the young punks who love them
STARRING: Some Dude, That Guy Who's Playing Magneto, That Dude From Friends
PLOT: Based on the Stephen King story of the same name, a spoiled brat yuppie bastard high school kid finds a Nazi in his neighborhood and blackmails him into telling about the whole Nazi experience. It's a bit formulaic and predictable at points, but for the most part, it's a highly original and unsettling film.
VIEWING ADVICE: If you're looking for a scary and creepy flick in the psychodrama dept. rent this. If you're expecting Stevo to spring a mutant telekinetic or devil car or something on you, then maybe you should go with another of his flicks.

AUSTIN POWERS: Genre: Comedy
RATING: 4.5 Burt Bacharach records
STARRING: Mike Myers, Elizibeth Hurley (yum), Michael York, Robert Wagner, Mike Myers, Seth Green, Burt Bacharach, and a real ugly cat
PLOT: Our hero (Austin) is James Bond in the 60's (only he's got bad teeth, is a bit of a doofus and wears a crumpled velvet suit). His evil nemises Dr. Evil escapes and freezes himself, so Austin also freezes himself. Then he gets revived in the 90's in what has come to be known among film coiniosseurs as the "fish out of water" movie. Wicked sight gags, an impecable snse of timing, and glaringly hysterical surreal moments (like Dr. Evil and his son, Scott Evil at a father-son support group) make this the best film in Mike Myers' career (and remember, this is the same guy that brought up Wayne's World and Wayne's World II) until his next magnum opus (giant penguin), which is reviewed below. Austin is a frickin' laugh riot, but it's Dr. Evil and his bizarre relationships that really make this movie hilarious, in my opinion. And kudos to Seth Green for a perfect portrayal of the put-upon son of an evil guy.
VIEWING ADVICE: I would recommend watching this movie. Because if you don't Mr. Bigglesworth will get upset. And we all know what happens then...

AUSTIN POWERS THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME: Genre: Comedy
RATING: 5 fat bastards
STARRING: Mike Myers, Elizibeth Hurley (briefly), Heather Graham (yum), Michael York, Robert Wagner, Rob Lowe, Mike Myers, Seth Green, a real ugly cat, a short guy, Mike Myers, some English guy who may or may not have been John Cleese, Burt Bacharach, Elvis Costello, and a slightly smaller real ugly cat
PLOT: Our hero (Austin) finds out the lovely Vanessa (Hurley) is... well, I won't spoil it for you. Suffice it to say he's single again very quickly. Then, Dr. Evil returns, and goes back in time, taking his perfect 1/8 sized clone with him in an evil plot to steal Austin's mojo and blow up Washington. Of course, we have lots of cool time travel jokes, some bizzare and illogical temporal shenanigans, and more of what made Austin Powers a hit. Every element that made the first movie great is here too. And then some.
VIEWING ADVICE: Watch this frickin' movie. But be careful. They do show nudity. Breasts and partial buttocks. What makes this even more disturbing is it's Fat Bastard we are seeing (ugh! That makeup is TOO realistic). Also, Dr. Evil gets some, so don't eat too heavily before going.

BLADE 2: Genre: Comic Book/Horror
RATING: 3.8 Wooden Stakes
STARRING: Wesley Snipes, Kris Kristopherson, Norman "hey, I was in Boondock Saints!" Reedus, Ron "I spent several years in beast makeup on TV but I look freakier without it on!" Perlman, and weapons. Lots and lots of bladed weapons.
PLOT: Blade finds out that Whistler, his old mentor is being kept alive by vampires, so he rescues him, along with his new mechanic sidekick (Reedus). But there's more than a simple rescue mission afoot here. A new strain of evil mutant vampire has arisen, and it feeds on humans AND vampires! Blade ends up leading a squad of vampire hunter-hunting vampires in a desperate mission to kill off these new ubervamps before they spread too far to be contained.
VIEWING ADVICE: Watch this movie, preferably with the brightness turned up a little, because a lot of this movie takes place in dark blue-lit sets. Then watch it with the commentary!

BLAIR WITCH PROJECT: Genre: Slickly marketed disappointing shit
RATING: 0.5 maps kicked into the lake
STARRING: Three of the dumbest, most annoying people I've ever seen
PLOT: What plot? Three college kids decide to make a movie, go into the woods, see some rocks, get lost, argue about getting lost, then get killed. But they don't SHOW them getting killed. No. The movie ends prematurely when they drop their cameras. When I saw this flick, everyone in the theater was LAUGHING. It's a better comedy than horror movie. I know the whole idea was to make a movie for a low budget that says "Ooh! Look! Scary!" while at the same time not costing a lot. But this film just kept saying "Oooh! Look! This doesn't cost a lot!" while at the same time not being very scary. Scariest part of the whole flick was that extreme close up of that chick's nostrils.
What I am trying to say here is... this film sucks ass! OK, it's not as stupid as Nowhere, but it is close. I am greatly saddened by this film because it is yet one more reminder that Mystery Science Theater 3000 is dead. Which is unfortunate, becuae that is the perfect venue for this movie.
VIEWING ADVICE: The Blair Witch Project has got to be the lamest project I have ever seen. I would recommend seeing one of many other fine projects which you will enjoy a great deal more. Recommended projects include: Project X, The Manhattan Project, Colossus: The Forbin Project, or just buy the newest CD from The Alan Parsons Project.
And if you're looking for horror, see the Haunting instead. It may not be scary either, but at least you get effects, and Catherine Zeta Jones.

BOONDOCK SAINTS: Genre: Zany Crime Movie
RATING: 4.9 gay green goblins
STARRING: Sean Patrick Flannery, Norman Reedus, the Green Goblin, a somewhat goofy Italian guy, the Scottish guy from Head of the Class
PLOT: The Russian Mafia is horning in on an Irish neighborhood, and two Irish brothers have a run in with them that almost gets them killed. THe two brothers take the fact that they managed to come out on top in that encounter as a sign that they are vessels for the vengeance of God and become vigilantes. Their friend the goofy Italian Mafia guy joins them on their crusade to stamp out crime and zany
VIEWING ADVICE: You MUST rent or buy this movie. I recommend buying it because you'll want to watch it again. Be sure to get the DVD, because the deleted scenes and gag reel are not to be missed. Especially the hilarious deleted scene where the brothers McManus get a call from their somewhat twisted mother.
My only complaint is the commentary. It was just a technical filmmaking commentary (yawn!). I would give this a 5.0 and list it in the commentary recommendations section if they would have done a commentary with Flannery, Reedus and Dafoe. Oh well, they're making a Boondock 2, so maybe they'll make such a kickarse commentary for that DVD release.
GENERAL ADVICE: I don't care if you are a big bad Russian Mafia enforcer guy, don't start shit at an Irish bar on St. Patrick's Day.

BRAINSCAN: Genre: Shitty Horror Movie
RATING: 0.8 has-been child actors
STARRING: That Kid From T2, Some Dork With Bad Hair, some Other Dork WIth Bad Hair, Frank Langella
PLOT: Hey, remember Edward Furlong? The kid from T2? Well, after T2, his career seemed pretty hot. The country had "Furlong Fever." It seemed like he weas destined for stardom. So what happened to little Eddie Farthing? Well, he starred in this piece of shit. That's what happened. Yes, poor little Eddie Cubit couldn't get work as Kato Kaelin's sidekick after this dreck. You suck, Eddie
Anyway, the plot is, Eddie Fathom is this horror film buff who orders a CD ROM game called Brainscan, that is supposed to be the ultimate horror game. The only problem is it makes him kill people. Oh yeah, and this evil imp guy comes out of the CD to harass him.
This movie has the most fucking unbelievably lame writing. Like when the principal shuts down the horror film club (because he saw them watching a horror movie) his lecture sounds like a bad parody of a 50's filmstrip "So, you like to watch horror movies? I suppose you also like to smoke marajuana cigarettes to relax or watch pornographic sex movies and get an erection and rape some woman" I kid you not, he actually said this. Even the biggest dillhole dumbass dipshit weinie of an authority figure would never be able to let out this sentence with a straight face. You suck, Principal Dude
Frank Langella played the detective who was looking for the murderer. Too bad he was acting more like the dean from a college frat movie than a cop. You suck, Frank.
Oh yeah, I would be remiss if I did not mention Trickster. No, not the Mark Hammill-portrayed Flash villain (we should be so lucky). This Trickster is that demomic imp guy, who I guess was supposed to be scaring us all when he mutilated himself and pranced around Eddie Kilogram's room, but to be honest, Drop Dead Fred was much scarier than this dumb fuck. Hell, Right Said Fred is scarier than he is! In fact, they asked Right Said Fred to play the Trickster, and he said "I'm too sexy for this role... too sexy for this role... the screenwriter is an asshooo-ole!" Drop Dead Fred had pretty much the same response, which prompted Right Said Fred to sue Rik Mayal, just before Vyvyan and Mike snuck up behind him and shoved some dynamite down his shorts. Ah, those wacky Brits! Oh yeah, and you suck, Dorky Red-Haired Imp Dude
VIEWING ADVICE: Don't watch this. For that matter, I seem to recall Frank Langella was also in Masters of the Universe (another film not to watch) and Captain America (yet another film not to watch). So if Frank Langella is in a movie, you should probably put it down and pick up that nice Yahoo Serious movie instead. It'll be less annoying.

BRAINSTORM: Genre: Shitty Sci-Fi Movie
RATING: 0.8 creepy European Dudes
STARRING: That Creepy Guy From Europe, A Couple Chicks, Some Dudes
PLOT: Chris Walken and this chick who smokes too much invent a device that lets you interface with the brain. Some Evil Corporate Types kill the smoking chick and steal the project. Walken then steals the project back, thanks to this facilities laughably inept security. I mean, when Walken is breaking into their main fucking files and the main security guys tells the keyboard jockey to "just see how far he can get" I laughed my ass off. If Moose and Squirrel ever find Boris and Natasha too difficult to deal with, they can go to this place. Anyway, I was really disappointed, because usually Walken's work is pretty good. I mean, I liked those two Prophecy movies, and I'm not really into the whole angel shtick. Chris, we expected better of you. Oh well, this was way back in the 70s or early 80s, so I guess the Statute of Limitations has passed. Still, this movie sucks!
VIEWING ADVICE: Don't watch this. In fact, what with this film sucking, and Brainscan sucking, just don't rent any movie with the word "brain" in the title. Ah well, at least Langella's not in it.

DARK CARNIVAL: Genre: Shitty horror flick
RATING: 0.5 dollar special effects budget
STARRING: Yeah right. Like anyone actually "stars" in shit like this!
PLOT: Morons buy a haunted house of something. Guy with a metal hand shows up to inspect the place. Says some cryptic crap and then leaves in a huff
Then the morons put on a moron show. You know every cheap lame "house of horrors" you've ever been too? You remember how you laughed at how fake and stupid they were? Well this is lamer than that. In fact, there is only one horror show I can think of lamer than their crappy house of horrors. And that's the crappy movie that was polluting my VCR with its sheer crapness.
VIEWING ADVICE: Save your dollar.

DIRTY WORK: Genre: Comedy
RATING: 5 dead hookers
STARRING: Norm McDonald, Artie Lange (who always seems to play Norm's brother for some reason), Jack Warden, Chevy Chase, Chris Farley, that dude who's almost always the evil fucker in the Adam Sandler movies, and a bunch of hookers who were not really dead, just pretending.
PLOT: Norm and his friend are down on their luck and need to get $100,000 so they can save Norm's friend's dad from a heart disease, so they start a revenge for hire business. Then they run afoul of the "evil yuppie asshole guy" from the Sandler movies. Norm proceeds to make so many boneheaded moves, that you will lose your voice from shouting "No, you stupid fucker, that is a BAD idea!" at your TV screen. A lot of critics panned this, but I loved it.
VIEWING ADVICE: If you are not easily offended and like dark comedy, you must see this movie!

DRACULA 2000: Genre: Horror
RATING: 4.0 wooden stakes
STARRING: A creepy old guy, a creepy young guy, that hot cyborg chick from Star Trek, the sleazy dude from That 70's Show
PLOT: It's 2000 and Drac's back, after his coffin is stolen from the creepy old guy who was guarding his corpse. In many ways, it's your typical Drc movie, and if I told you how it differs, it would ruin it some. So suffice it to say, I recommend this movie.
VIEWING ADVICE: This is one of the better modern Dracula movies out there.

DRACULA 2: ASCENSION: Genre: Horror
RATING: 4.0 wooden stakes
STARRING: Some generic college students, a wheelchair guy, a creepy pale guy, a creepy yet ineffectual mercenary guy, Jason Scott Lee, that dude from Jaws
PLOT: Drac's back again after medical students steal his body from the morgue and re-animate it, under the guidance of their teacher who wants to use vampire blood to cure his paralysis disease. The gang takes all of the precautions they can think of, including iron and silver chains around Drac, and leaving a bunch of seeds and a knotted net so that even if he does escape, his OCD will keep him busy. And of course, everything goes exactly according to plan, Dracula doesn't escape, nobody betrays anyone else, and they all live long prosperous lives.
VIEWING ADVICE: You're supposed to watch Dracula 2000 first, then watch this one. I know it seems like you should track down a movie called Dracula 1, and then rent 1,998 other Dracula movies first, but trust me on this.

DREAMSCAPE: Genre: Sci-Fi Horror
RATING: 4.0 er, something to do with dreams. Dammit I can't think of anything to put here!!!
STARRING: Dennis Quaid, That Creepy Old German Guy From Strange Brew, The Dude From Green Acres, Another Creepy Old Guy, Some Cute Chick, Some Creepy Young Dude, and Claymation Snake Dude
PLOT: Dennis Quaid is a slacker loser who'se once promising career is gone, leaving him spending his days betting on the horses and dodges track thugs. But before all that happened, he made this movie. In it, he plays a psychic who joins a secret project which is endeavoring to send psychics into other people's dreams. He does not know that this project is really controlled by a badass black ops intelligence agency (you'd think a psychic would pick up on shit like this, but I guess not). Anyway, Quaid learns to go into dreams and then has to stop the evil assassin guy who also goes into dreams. Anyway, this is the flick that Nightmare on Elm Street ripped off. Not just the whole "evil nutcase who kills people in their dreams" bit either. The evil guy actually kills one of his victims by popping blades from his fingertips and slicing him up.
VIEWING ADVICE: You cannot call yourself a scifi fan if you have never seen this movie. It's a frickin' classic.

EVIL DEAD: Genre: Schlock Horror
RATING: 3.5 cheap corpse masks
STARRING: Bruce Campbell and four other people
PLOT: A bunch of college kids go to a cabin in the middle of nowhere, dig up an old reel to reel tape player which contains the spell for calling demons and basically giving them clearance to kill you in whatever horrible way they want. So of course, they play the tape, demons come, and gradually kill and possess them. Unless you are really a fan of the franchise, you can probably do without this film. It's not all that bad, but Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn was much better. It had more humor to it, whereas this was attempting (at least I think it was) to be a serious horror flick. Kinda hard to take a film seriously when the zombies all look like they got their makeup at the K-Mart Halloween rack. I've seen a lot of these college kids vs. the slasher/demon/whatever flicks and I always wonder how the morons from those movies ever got into college in the first place.
VIEWING ADVICE: If it's on TV, then watch it. You probably don't want to order the video (which I did. oops)

FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS: Genre: Comedy (I think)
RATING: 4.8 freaky hallucinations
STARRING: Johnny Depp and some other guy
PLOT: Johnny Depp is Raoul Duke and the other guy is his "attourney" Dr. Gonzo. They are sent by a magazine to cover a big Nevada motorcycle race, and they take most every psychotropic substance known to man. This is a freak show. The hallucinations are freaky and rendered incredibly with the advanced visual effects used. But the best part of the story is Depp's voiceover running account of what's going on. "My God! The entire place was filled with reptiles, and somebody has given then alcohol! It would only be minutes before we were torn to shreds!" which he somehow delivers with a serious voice.
VIEWING ADVICE: Watch this movie. But, if you do drugs, do not take them while watching. I don't know what would happen, but it would really fuck your mind up.

FULL ECLIPSE: Genre: Horror
RATING: 3.5 flea collars
STARRING: Mario Van Peebles
PLOT: Mario Van Peebles is a good cop! Er, sorry, I just love using that phrase. Saw too many bad 80's cop movies as a kid, I guess. Anyway, he is a good cop, and so is his partner, who gets all shot up and is probably gonna die. Then someone gives him a serum and he's suddenly fully healed and exhibiting superhuman abilities. Mario is about the only one who thinks this is odd. Hey, you gotta get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on Mario. Just ask Chris Lambert. He almost lost his head to the MVP in Highlander III.
Anyway, Mario's partner ends up killing himself, and Mario ends up joining the same super-werewolf squad that his partner couldn't handle being involved with. OK, remember what I said earlier about the MVP? Well, uh, maybe I spoke too soon. At any rate, Mario soon finds that the creepy European guy who set up the whole operation has a hidden agenda (oh really?).
VIEWING ADVICE: This is a not a very good film, in terms of any great cinematic quality, but it is a fun film to watch. And in the end, isn't that all that matters. If you want a good action movie with superpowered werewolf cops to wile away 2 hours of a boring weeknight, then this is a damn good choice.

HIGHLANDER: Genre: Fantasy
RATING: 4.75 head-loppings
STARRING: Christopher Lambert, Sean Connery, Clancy Brown
PLOT: The flick that started it all. The plot is basically simple. Connor MacLeod is a Scotish Immortal who can only die by having a guy with a sword reduce his height by about a foot. The Kurgan is another Immortal who wants to kill Connor and claim the Prize (which apparently lets you rule the world and stuff). Unfortunately, the Kurgan is not only really strong, but also really evil. This film has awesome swordfights, cool flashbacks of Mac fighting Nazis and stuff), cool effects, and a killer soundtrack.
VIEWING ADVICE: Definitely see this movie.

HIGHLANDER II: THE QUICKENING: Genre: Fantasy
RATING: 0.5 head-loppings
STARRING: Christopher Lambert, Sean Connery
PLOT: I did not see this, but I have yet to hear one good review of it.
VIEWING ADVICE: I did not watch this, and you probably shouldn't either.
 

Ed. Note: I actually fucking rented this fucking movie, and watched it the whole fucking way through, and I can honestly and certainly state that it fucking sucks, so I hereby reduce it's rating to 0.0 fucking head loppings

HIGHLANDER: THE FINAL DIMENSION: Genre: Fantasy
RATING: 3.5 head-loppings
STARRING: Christopher Lambert, Mario Van peebles
PLOT: Highlander III: We Can Learn From Our Mistakes! is what this should have been called. For those of you put off by H2:TQ, do not worry. There is no Zeist, no aliens, and no Sean Connery's ghost ("Help me Obi-Wan 007"). This is an entertaining movie, but I must say I prefered the first movie. Anyway, the basic plot is that some dude (I forget the name, but he was the guy played by Peebles) killed Mac's Japanese mentor but got trapped in an avalanche. Hundreds of years later, he emerges (thanks to excavation) and tries to kill Macleod. Peebles is really evil looking and has a creepy voice too, so he really works as a villain. There is plenty of comic relief though, particulary the mental ward escape scene. One thing was disappointing though: no Queen music in the soundtrack One thing puzzled me though. THe Prize was suppsoed to make Connor really powerful, but he wasn't. Maybe the answer was in H2: TQ, which means I may have to watch it :( OK, one other thing puzzles me. When you kill an Immortal you get his power, and we saw Peebles use that Japanese dude's illusion power, but how come we never see MacLeod (either one) using the funky powers of all those dudes THEY killed?
VIEWING ADVICE: Yes, give this movie a shot.

HIGH STRUNG: Genre: Comedy
RATING: 5.0 angry rants
STARRING: Steve Odenkirk, Jim Carrey, that dude who always hangs out with Martin Mull, a few other people
PLOT: Steve Odenkirk (the brother of the dude with hair on Mr. Show) plays a guy who is really hostile and complains about everything. As he rants hilariously in his apartment, strange visions of some bizarre demonaic figure (played by Jim Carrey) keep haunting him and telling to to be ready for 8-o-clock. Odenkirk gets progressively more and more high strung (which is good since that's the movie title) as 8-o-clock comes closer and closer.
VIEWING ADVICE: Damn, this movie is funny. Go rent it at once. I laughed my ass off.

LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM: Genre: Shitty British Horror flick
RATING: 0.3 horrible lifepath errors of Hugh Grant
STARRING: Hugh Grant, Amanda Donahoe, a bunch of people who could have gotten work in the 1940s acting in Garman proganda films about why they need to bomb England.
PLOT: Plot?! Oh man, I gotta rename this field! OK, I may have missed some of the subtle nuances, as I rented this movie and fast forwarded through most of the shitty parts (so it took me 10 minutes to watch this). But basically Hugh Grant played this archaeologist or something and he finds a skull that he thinks is a dinosaur skull, but is really a "wyrm" skull. Yes, this "wyrm" is some long dead evil thing that half of the people in this movie worship (sort of like the plot). Anyway, Amanda Donahoe is this slutty evil chick who wants the skull so she can bring back the wyrm and it can kill everyone or something. I guess that whole glass ceiling thing doesn't apply to evil cultists.
Since I fast forwarded through a lot of it, I can't tell you too much, but the evil chick did some sort of evil magic thing to make Hugh Grant give her the skull. Or maybe it was the other guy. They had this other guy who looked a bit like Hugh Grant. And I didn't even notice they were two different people until they were in the same shot. But anyway, she kidnapped this chick who I think was someone's girlfriend, tied her up over the pit the white worm is buried in, and tried to sacrifice her. She was twarted and there was a cave in. And the guy who looks kind of like Hugh Grant was poisoned and it made him evil and he was supposed to take an antidote but he didn't. Or something like that.
My question is, what the fuck is up with Hugh Grant?! I mean, a few years back, Hugh, who was at the time married to Elizabeth Hurley, one of the hottest babes on the planet, and he cheats with a butt-ugly prostitute! Rule #1 of adultery: Never cheat with someone less attractive than your wife! Hugh needs to learn that. So does Bill Clinton for that matter. I mean, Hillary may not be in the Swedish Bikini team, but she's a hell of a lot more attractive than Paula Jones, or than Monica was when he was boffing her. Hell, the way Bill was going, I was half surprised he wasn't doing Linda Tripp! Oh yeah, I was talking about Hugh Grant. Anyway, first I hear about that whole ugly hooker thing, then I heard that he and Elizabeth are breaking up (Liz, I'm available. Call me! I stay away from hookers!). And now I see this horrible movie and it makes sense. Hugh Grant has no taste or judgement whatsoever. He must have some form of brain damage, perhaps as a result of getting hit on the head or actually eating British food. In fact, I hear he's costarring in Pauly Shore's next movie.
VIEWING ADVICE: if you absolutely positively have to watch this movie, then watch for the ska band singing the song about the white worm legend. It's actually kind of funny and the sole reason this is a 0.2 and not a 0.0.

LAND OF THE FREE: Genre: Action
RATING: 3.2 of Jeff Speakman's 15 minutes of fame
STARRING: Fred Ward-- er I mean Jeff Speakman, Captain Kirk, Mac from Night Court, a lot of bombs, and Roberto Benini (just kidding!)
PLOT: Speakman works for Kirk's senate campaign, doesn't believe the guy's corrupt (hey, he's Captain frickin' Kirk for cryin' out loud!) but steals a disk from him for the FBI anyway. The FBI swears they can protect Speakman and his family, but it turns out they're a bunch of goddamned lying pussies, so Captain Kirk's "problem eliminator" who happens to be Mac from Night Court (and you thought Bull was the badass of that show!) tries to kill Speakman, but fails, because, well, dammit, you just cannot beat a martial arts superstar like Jeff Speakman!
VIEWING ADVICE: If you see this movie and feel like a moderately good action movie, go right ahead. It's not a must-see, but it's not that bad.

MASTER OF THE FLYING GUILLOTINE: Genre: 1970's kung fu epic
RATING: 4.5 magic razor hats
STARRING: A bunch of Chinese guys from the 1970's
PLOT: It's China in the distant past. A time before such innovations as the automobile, guns, and eyebrow trimmers.
In this dark time, there is some serious strife in China, and a rebel hero known as the One Armed Boxer is sought by the corrupt new ruler of China. He is called the One Armed Boxer because he fights without weapons and because he only has one arm, thus giving new meaning to "unarmed combat". The One Armed Boxer is an amazing warrior, who is able to defy gravity and possesses incredible skill. Amazingly enough, he is also capable of subtle acts of shapeshifting, like how in some scenes he has a gut and in other scenes he does not, and in some scenes, a triangular bulge can be seen expanding from his back briefly. It looks almost like the missing arm was being clumsily hidden under the shirt and they didn't bother to do retakes, but several experts in the mystical Chinese fighting arts assure me that this sort of torso shapeshifting is the result of advanced breath techniques which channel the chi.
At any rate, the evil ruler of China wants the Notorious OAB dead. So he picks the only suitable assassin to send after a One Armed Boxer: a blind guy with a magic razor hat. The evil blind guy also possesses giant bushy eyebrows, which leads me to wonder if he was in fact truly blind, or if he could someday see again if he could trim those suckers. Sadly, since the eyebrow trimmer was apparently not invented yet, we will never know the answer to this question. The blind man may have been blind, and lacking in basic eyebrow maintenence, but he more than made up for it with his hat, the Flying Guillotine, which would fly through the air and lop people's heads off.
This movie has a one-armed guy fighting a blind guy with a magic hat. That alone is worth the rental, but there's more. The one-armed guy is played by Jimmy Wang Yu, who, in addition to having the perfect Chinese porn name, is also a megastar for playing one-armed guys despite the obvious handicap of actually having two arms. And the Flying Guillotine is also a major star of 1970's Hong Kong cinema. Not the old blind guy. The hat is a major star. So, when you break it down, this movie is, in addition to it's own merits, basically the Freddy Vs. Jason of 1970's Kung Fu.
But wait, there's more! You also get the tournament! An amazing martial arts spectacle where people from different lands fight using cheesy special moves. They even have an Indian guy with stretchy limbs (sound familiar, Guile fans?) and a guy named Win Without A Knife who has a very ironic way to win his fights.
Of course, no 1970's kung fu flick would be complete without some stupid writing. Like when a one armed bum is making trouble in a restaurant and the blind guy killed him, thinking he's that other one-armed guy. When confronted with his mistake, the Stevie Wonder of archvillains exclaims "I do not care! I will kill every one-armed kung fu man I come across until I kill the One Armed Boxer!" By the way, there are about three or four one armed guys in this flick.
VIEWING ADVICE: To properly enjoy this movie you must be in the right mindset, which I will refer to as the "guy mindset". This mindset is one whereupon the subject enjoys seeing kung fu fighting, bad acting and ludicrous special effects. This is not the movie to watch if you want to see a serious treatise on ancient Chinese historical strife or gain any insight into the mystical or spiritual tenets of kung fu. But if you want to see kung fu fighting, a magic decapitating flying hat, and a cripple fight, then this is the flick for you.

MR. FROST: Genre: Psychological thriller/horror
RATING: 4.35 dead flies
STARRING: Jeff Goldblum, Kathy Baker, a bunch of British people, some flies, and a dog
PLOT: Jeff GOldblum is a creepy scary looking psycho who jsut might be the devil! Oh yeah, and he made this film where he plays a killer named Mr. Frost.
Basically, Mr. Frost killed a bunch of people, and plays these Hannibal Lechter type mind games with the chick who'se trying to rehabilitate him, because his big devil plan involves her killing him. Apparently the Four Horsemen are on strike or something.
VIEWING ADVICE: Don't watch this film if you are easily weirded out. It's a good film if you're into those freaky psychological thrillers, and it is scary, but if you are expecting the Exorcist, forget it.

A NIGHT AT THE ROXBURY: Genre: Comedy
RATING: 3.2 stupid head-bobs
STARRING: Will Ferrel, that creepy little dude from SNL, Molly Shannon, Molly Shannon's cleavage, Colin Quinn, Mr. Tortelli, some dude who I thought was Ben Affleck, but isn't, and Richard Grieco
PLOT: Two idiots dance badly at nightclubs, behave like total jackasses and get pushed around a lot. Actually, there is a surprising amount of depth here. This movie did something I would have figured impossible: given the "SNL dancing idiot guys" a depth of character. You will find yourself actually caring if they get their nightclub dream or not. Molly's cleavage was actually nominated for an oscar for best supporting cleavage. Oh yeah, and Colin Quinn plays kind of an asshole.
VIEWING ADVICE: If you liked all those weird slacker party-dude comedy movies in the 80's, you will love this movie

NINJA III: THE DOMINATION: Genre: Shitty Ninja flick
RATING: 1.1 shurikens
STARRING: Creepy One-Eyed Japanese Guy, Creepy Two Eyed Japanese Guy, Cute Chick, Cop Who Looks A Lot Like Todd McFarlane
PLOT: Ninja III, the Domination? No, it's not shitty Hentai anime. It's a shitty Ninja movie. Evil Ninja guy kills a bunch of guys at a golf course, and then kills a bunch of cops and gets shot to death. But before he dies, he puts his soul into the body of this hot chick who works for the phone company. She starts dating the cop who looks like Todd McFarlane, even though he's one of the cops who killed the Ninja guy and she is now going out and killing those cops one by one because she's possessed. Meanwhile, One-Eyed Japanese Guy is stalking her to try to kill the evil spirit.
Now the complaints: The acting sucks. It looks like the producers hired the roadies from a frickin' Poison concert tour to do visual effects. There's this really frickin' stupid scene in this Japanese healer's basement where they chain up the possessed chick and she does some real crappy Linda Blair type stuff (this is why they don't have The Vault in Japan). Oh yeah, and this movie has a LOT of really shitty 80's music. You know the music I mean. It's the stuff that they never played on MTV or the radio and you only heard it in shitty movies like this. This movie did have one thing going for it, though. The Ninja fight scenes and Ninja murder scenes are pretty cool. Hell, before they bring in that stupid possession bit, this movie is pretty frickin' cool.
VIEWING ADVICE: Do you like Ninjas? I mean, do you really really like Ninjas? Enough to put up with a really shitty movie, jsut to see some Ninja stuff? If so, rent this and fast forward through the non-Ninja fight parts. Believe me, you aren't gonna miss much.

NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER: Genre: Martial Arts
RATING: 3.2 er, uh, martial arts things
STARRING: Some dude, a chick, this old Russian guy, this middle aged guy and that druggie from Belgium
PLOT: This dude who has a karate studio doesn't sell out to the Russian Mob, and Jean Claude Van Damme breaks his leg. Later, he's moved to a new town, and is trying to get his kid to stop studying karate. Of course this means that a gang of karate-student bullies will start harassing him.
Anyway, the kid fights off the bullies, but the fat one (yes, a fat karate student bully. Think Francis from Pee Wee's Big Adventure but without the physical fitness regimen) starts stirring up all sorts of shit, and there's a big fight with the champion or something (I forget, I didn't really pay attention to this part).
Anyway, watch for the bits with Bruce Lee's ghost (oddly enough, not played by Bruce Lee), and the big fight at the end between whatsisname and Jean Claude Van Damme.
VIEWING ADVICE: This film's not that bad, and does have a certain charm if you like '80s movies. So all you '80s nostalgia fans should go rent it. What with the hair, music, and those damn montage training scenes that seemed to be everywhere back then, this is a classic example of '80s cinema. If, on the other hand, you hate the '80s, then you should skip this and go rent Nowhere or the Blair Witch Project, you god-damned Greatest-Decade-Ever-hating philistines!

NOWHERE: Genre: Science Fiction (allegedly)
RATING: 0 pills
STARRING: Who knows, who cares? A bunch of nobodies and if there is any justice they will all remain that way
PLOT: What plot? I sat through about 45 minutes of this drek and the only plot I could see is a bunch of 20-somethigns doing drugs and almost but not quite having sex. The lead character seemed to be doing a really poor quality Keannu Reeves imitation. I think there was supposed to be an alien invasion or something, but all I saw in the 45 minutes leeway I gave this shithole of a movie was a dude in a crocodile suit at a bus stop. All in all, this film gives the distinct impression of being a real shitty film school project.
VIEWING ADVICE: Don't. Do not view this film on television. Do not rent it. Do not go to a film festival if this film is playing. If you are stranded in a space station and a mad scientist tries to force you to watch this film, then vent the airlocks and at least make your death quick. Allow me to reiterate... this film SUCKS!!!

PHANTOMS: Genre: Horror
RATING: 3.3 er, phantoms (hey, they can't all be gold!)
STARRING: Ben Affleck, the dude from Scream 2, the crazy chick who married Marylin Manson (hey, wouldn't she have to be?), a fine looking actress, Peter O'Toole, and evil stuff.
PLOT: Two sisters (Rose McGowan and hot lady who'se name I can't think of) drive to this small sleepy town only to find it is all dead except for the sherriff and depurity, er, deputy. The local constabulary (Affleck and Scream 2 guy, whose name I have forgotten) has an Andy Gritth and Barney Fife quality to them, except Barney Fife wasn't a necrophiliac pervert.
Anyway, pervo deputy dies (so we know the bad guy isn't Eric Clapton), and they call in some comically inept government guys who bring Peter O'Toole with them. Then there's a lot of whining and everyone starts fighting the evil stuff.
VIEWING ADVICE: This is a fair movie, but not all that great. I'd recommend seeing it, but don't make a special trip

PIRATES OF SILICON VALLEY: Genre: Biographical comedy drama
RATING: 4.5 mother (shut your mouth!), uh I was going to say "boards" (oh, sorry!)
STARRING: Noah Wyle, Anthony Michael Hall (The Hall who didn't do Weekend Update)
PLOT: Steve Jobs( Wyle) is the up and coming genius behind Apple. Bill Gates (Hall) is the up and coming genius behind Microsoft. Watch their epic rivalry.
It would be easy for the makers of this film to cast Gates as an evil genius, a Lex Luthor or Darth Vader, but for much of the film, he's played out almost as a wide eyed innocent (well OK, awide eyed innocent who drives way the hell too fast and goes to strip clubs, but still...). In fact, Hall's Gates reminded me an awful lot of Luke Skywalker from the first two movies in the original trilogy (I half expected Jobs and Gates to cut each other's hands off with light swords). Jobs on the other hand, comes off not like Vader, but like Grand Admiral Thrawn (complete with an obsession for art). Star Wars comparisons aside, this is a great movie. The scene with Gates and his friend joyridng the bulldozer rocked. What really surprised me was the fact that, even though Gates is almost universally hated, and Jobs is seen by many computer geeks as the new Messiah (maybe it's the haircut), we see a movie where Gates is seen as the good guy and Jobs is seen as the bad guy for much of the running time (though there are moments where Jobs comes through as likeable and noble and Gates has a couple really nasty moments). All in all, this is not a movie just for computer people, but a movie about people, and the forces of fate, conflict, and yes, good and evil that shape all of our lives.
VIEWING ADVICE: Definitely see this film. It'a TNT original, so if you don't have cable, get it (unless you are Amish or something)

PUNISHER: Genre: R-Rated Comic Book Adaptation
RATING: 4.1 bullets (1.5 if you're a huge Punisher comic fan)
STARRING: Dolph Lundgren, the dude from Iron Eagle, some Italian dudes, some Japanese dude, and a shitload of guns and bullets.
PLOT: Frank Castle's family gets killed by the mob, Frank kills a bunch of Mob guys. Unfortunately, he doesn't have the cool skull T-shirt (how fucking hard would it have been to get him one, the guy from Soundgarden has one, so why didn't Punisher?!)
VIEWING ADVICE: If you are not a purist fan of the comic, then watch it, it's a good action flick taken on its own merits. Just make sure you watch it when it's on TBS, because I hear if you watch the uncut version on pay cable or video you see Dolph's ass, and no one wants to see that.

REVENGE OF THE NINJA: Genre: Ninja Flick
RATING: 3.2 throwing stars
STARRING: Some Ninja Guy, a Bunch of 1970's Guys, Some Blonde Chick, The Ninja Guy's Kid
PLOT: Evil Ninja guys kill the Ninja Dude's family, except for his mother and son. He takes them to America to keep them out of Ninja stuff. Sadly, an evil Ninja is operating in his city and he gets involved. Needless to say, our Ninja hero kills a lot of evil Ninja scum. Hey! They shoulda got this guy for those Revenge of the Nerds movies. "The jocks burned down the dorm! Oh look, someone stuck throwing stars in their eyes!" Or maybe those Revenge of the Pink Panther movies. Uh, then again, maybe not.
VIEWING ADVICE: If you like Ninja flicks, I recommend this one. It's not that bad a flick. It does fall into that B movie 1970's style, but it's not nearly as bad as a lot of those flicks. And it's a shitload better than Ninja 3: the Domination!

ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW: Genre: Horror Comedy Musical
RATING: 3.9 of Tim Curry's garter belts
STARRING: This Creepy English Guy in Makeup, MeatLoaf, Susan Sarandon, That Old Dude From Spin City, and a bunch of weird looking people.
PLOT: OK, this is really screwed up here. Basically (and I am writing from memory here, as I haven't seen this for a year and am only writing it now because of overwhelming demand). But anyway, Brad and Janet, a young couple played by Barry Bostwick and Susan Sarandon (I'd like to have Sarandon Wrap her legs around me, if you know what I mean) have car trouble and have to go into this creepy old house for refuge. Now, when you see these kind of movies, there are always very obvious clues that this house is not a good place to be waiting out a storm. For example, in this movie, the door is answered by an undead-looking butler (Clue #1) and his Goth-fetish chick looking sidekick (Clue #2) who introduces them to the guy who owns the house, a transvestite (Clue #3) mad scientist (Clue #4) named Dr. Frank N. Furter (Clue #5, ok so maybe it's not all that scary, but still, how normal can a guy be if that's his name?) And speaking of Clue, you should probably watch that too. Tim Curry is great as the butler.
Well, Frank has lots of weirdos at his house. And at one point, Meat Loaf rides his motorcycle in, but his appearance is all too brief. But, while he's there, his singing is amazing. His part is the one that no one could sing. The guys told him to just mumble if he got stuck, but he sang the whole damn thing. I think he was the only guy to ever play that role who could do that. What can I say? The Loaf rules.
Dr. Furter's master plan, which he attended to in between musical numbers, was to create a man. Kind of like Frankenstein, but whereas Frankenstein created a freakish undead guy, Frank N Furter creates a blond guy in his underwear, who was most likely the inspiratipon for the He-Man cartoon.
Oddly enough, Susan Sarandon ends up having a sexual tension with Furter. And Brad gets jealous because "Dammit! Janet!" a guy doesn't want his wife to have an affair with a guy who looks like he just got back from the Judy Garland convention. But it all kind of works out in the end, paving the way for a sequel
VIEWING ADVICE: OK, if you're renting, you may wish to skip all that stuff like throwing toast and toilet paper at the screen and shooting water guns. You may, however, feel free to shout out "Buy an umbrella you cheap bitch!" when you see Janet walk through the rain, with little fear of property damage (unless your wife or girlfriend is there and is a feminist). And never ever watch that piece of shit sequel.

ROBO-VAMPIRE: Genre: Shitty horror/martial arts/ cyborg movie
RATING: 0.0 titanium fangs (which, had there been any in this movie, might have made it at least partly palatable to watch)
STARRING: An assortment of washed up American actors and washed up Japanese actors, all badly dubbed.
PLOT: Japanese kung fu drug dealers are using kung fu vampires to fight the American DEA (which surprisingly opts to use guns instead of kung fu). Apparently, they blow up one of our DEA agents and our government brings him back as a cyborg.
VIEWING ADVICE: Hey, you know how old martial arts movies are kinda stupid, and the acting is bad, and everything is poorly dubbed and the moves look so fake? But they're fun to watch anyway? Well, forget that theory, because this movie just fucking sucks. Oh yeah, when you rent it, the box will probably have a cool picture of Robocop on the front cover. There's no Robocop, nor any cyborg looking anything like him. The "cyborg" in this piece of excrement is actually a bad actor in a thick mylar jacket with the hood up.
I cannot overemphasize how much this movie sucks. I sat through all of the Blair Witch Project. I rented and sat through ALL of Highlander II: The Quickening. I even gave that piece of shit Nowhere like 45 minutes. This film, I used the fast forward so much I finished in ten minutes

SHAFT: Genre: Blaxploitation
RATING: 4.2 Isaac hayes theme songs
STARRING: Richard Roundtree
PLOT: Shaft is the man, who something, sonething, and won't diss his brother man, or something, and he's one bad mother---, shut my mouth?! But I'm talking about Shaft! Yeah, well, you better dig it!
Anyway, this pimp's daughter was kidnapped. The pimp hires Shaft to get her back. Shaft gets a black revolutionary guy to help him, and they all go up against the Mafia.
VIEWING ADVICE: I am not a fan of the 70's. I don't particularly like detective movies. So a detective movie set in the 70's isn't exactly my speed. Yet, I really liked this movie. Roundtree has this cool vibe, dude. So is this film going in the 4-5 Club? You damn right... Should you go rent it? You damn right...
Also, some personal advice. Never trust a guy named "Bumpy"

SHOCK TREATMENT: Genre: Crap sequel to a classic horror comedy musical
RATING: 0.0 shitty sequels
STARRING: Oh crap, I don't even remember. I think that Sarandon and Bostwick were in it, but maybe they were smart enough to pass on this film role. Oh yeah, I think they had a creepy midget guy.
PLOT: It's after the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Brad and Janet are having marital troubles. And some general guy is trying to kill Brad (or was that Janet?). To be honest, I tried to watch this, but after about 25 minutes, I switched over to some stupid beach movie on USA. And I was thankful!
VIEWING ADVICE: Don't watch this. Try to catch a better film like the Silencers or Universal Soldier or Blair Witch instead.

SILENCERS: Genre: Direct to Video Sci Fi Thriller
RATING: 2.5 damn space hippies
STARRING: Jack Scalia (Funny, I thought he was a Supreme Court Justice), some damn hippie space guy, and this cool dude named Carlos
PLOT: Evil aliens steal a cow and kill a guy in the 60s. Years later, evil aliens with black eyes and funky sonic powers kill a senator and Jack Scalia (one of the 2 characters in this movie you can actually root for) is upset because he failed to stop them, then he ends up befriending one of the lamest aliens I've ever seen (though JarJar is much much lamer, but still, this guy sucks), and trying to save him from the evil alien leader (played by Carlos something or other) who for some reason looks just like Clark Kent. Come to think of it, he DOES have strange powers beyond those of mortal men, and he DOES wear glasses to conceal his identity. Anyway, they all fight and a bunch of people die and... well, I'd hate to ruin the ending for you, so I'll stop here.
VIEWING ADVICE: If you're watching USA Up All Night, and Gilbert Gottfried or Rhonda or Kato Kaelin or whoever the hell they have now says "Up next: Silencers" and there's nothing else on, or you lost the remote, then watch it, it's actually kind of enjoyable. Otherwise, don't bother.

SOLO: Genre: Sci-Fi
RATING: 2.8 killer cyborgs
STARRING: Mario Van Peebles, Gary Busey, Dolph Lundgren
PLOT: The military has created the ultimate soldier. He's a robot named Solo. But Solo has a conscience and the military brass don't like it. So there's talk of having him dismantled after he messes up a mission because he didn't want to blow up a bunch of innocent people.
The supreme military guy sends Gary Busey after Solo, who has been taken in by the villager he aborted the mission to save. Meanwhile Solo kills a bunch of evil commie troops who threaten the village. Then all hell breaks loose. And then, the evil robot, played by Dolph Lundgren, shows up.
Now what I don't get is, in the first mission, the basic plan is, they blow up this hill (which would kill the afforementioned innocent people) so Solo and a few human soldiers can attack this commie airstrip. Now, mny question is, if Solo is so much faster and stronger, and bulletproff, that he can practically take on a whole army all by himself, why the hell did they use this half ass plan? Just send him in solo, as his fucking name suggests, and let him dish out some anti-commie action, Arnie-style! I mean, I sincerely hope that the secret military leaders that I pay my taxes to support aren't dumbasses like the general in this movie!
And why did these guys build the Dolph droid? Have they learned nothing from Universal Soldier?!
VIEWING ADVICE: Are you a big fan of Mario Van Peebles or Dolph Lundgren? Do you just love super-robot movies? Are you stuck awake at 3 AM and have to choose between this and the Juiceman informercial? If so, watch this movie. Otherwise, you can pass.

SOUTH PARK: BIGGER, LONGER, & UNCUT: Genre: Animated comedy
RATING: 4.6 Cheezy Poofs™
STARRING: Trek Parker, Matt Stone, and a lot of cutouts.
PLOT: Four small children in a quiet mountain town help their neighbors, respect authority and behave with impeccable manners. OK, seriously, if you have seen the show, you know that the first sentence was a total lie. And if you have not seen the show, then what's wrong with you asswipe? South Park rules. And this film is no exception. I HATE musicals. But there are two exceptions. Rocky Horror Picture Show and South Park. Basically, the whole movie is about how some kids sneak into an R rated movie and learn profanity, then the parents get all riled up, declare war on Canada, and bring about Armageddon. And yes, all of your favorite elements of the show are there. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny, Terrance and Philip, and the ridiculous adult cast. Yes, Kenny dies, but that's only the beginning of his odyssey. Just watch the film.
VIEWING ADVICE: Watch the film. Definately. Unless you're easily offended, then stay away, stay far away! Run for your life, they're singing the Uncle****er song!

STAR WARS: EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE: Genre: Science Fiction
RATING: 3.5 lightsabers (woulda been 4 or 4.5 if JarJar wasn't in it)
STARRING: That dude from that Scottish heroin flick, Liam Neeson, some kid, Natalie Portman, some old dude who may have played the dean in Animal House
PLOT: For a good plot synopsis, check out Weird Al's new single The Saga Begins. The film had good points and bad points, or should I say, Light Side and Dark Side. On the Light Side: Awesome special effects, cool acting from most of the cast, a pretty engaging plot, Darth Maul kicked ass, plus the usual Star Wars elements. The Dark Side: JarJar is even more annoying than I could have guessed. And he still lives at the end of the film, paving the way for his appearance in the sequel (ack!), the Trade Federation accents were the worst I've ever heard. I don't think any of these guys went to the same accent coach. One dude sounded vaguely Chinese, another sounds kinda Mexican, another almost seems to be doing a real shitty Dracula impression, and I swear one guy was Scottish! ("Anakin! Ye look like a wee lil baby! Get in me tummy! I want my babyback babyback babyback ribs..."), plus the theater's sound system was off balance and the treble was too tinny. I know this isn't the movie's fault, but what the hell. Anyway, the Trainspotting dude put in a great performance, as did Neeson. The guy who played Palpatine was cool too. But I look forward to the second flick, which should be better still.
VIEWING ADVICE: See the film, but try to do so in a theater with a perfectly tuned sound system, and don't eat beforehand. There's no gore or anything, but that JarJar could make you puke real easy.

STREET FIGHTER: Genre: Martial Arts
RATING: 3.1 bad Belgian actors
STARRING: That crazy Belgian dude who takes drugs and smashes hotel rooms, Raul Julia, some hot Chinese chick, a lot of other people.
PLOT: M. Bison (played by Raul Julia) is an evil warlord in a foam rubber padded uniform trying to get a few billion for some hostages. Jean Claude Van Damme is Col. Guile, who'se heading up the AN effort to stop him. Actually, since Guile is from America, that makes Jean Claude an AN/US agent, which is somewhat appropriate.
Meanwhile, Ken and Ryu are trying to con evil crime lord Sagat out of some money by selling him fake guns. Sagat finds out and forces them to fight in his arena, when the AN/US forces storm the place and arrest everyone.
Meanwhile, Chun-Li is reporting on the crisis while planning to go take down Bison with the help of her production staff which is composed of E. Honda and for some reason, Balrog.
VIEWING ADVICE: OK, this isn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be, and even though the movie was written as a vehicle for then-star Jean Claude Van Damme, he is mercifully off screen for much of it. Actually, the comic relief elements were quite well executed, particulary the part toward the end with Bison and Dee-Jay. All in all, if you must see a Van Damme movie, this would be the one to see.

STREET FIGHTER II: THE ANIMATED MOVIE: Genre: Anime street fighting movie
RATING: 3.4 ha-dou-kens
STARRING: A bunch of people in a sound studio and some lines and colors.
PLOT: OK, you ever play Street Fighter II?
VIEWING ADVICE: Well, this is surely not the best anime film out there, but it's not too shabby. If your'e a big Street Fighter fan, check it out.

THE 13TH WARRIOR: Genre: Historical Fantasy/Action
RATING: 4.25 Bisected Cavemen
REVIEW BY: Proteus454
STARRING: Zorr...uh, I mean, Zntonio Banderas
PLOT: Well, believe it or not, I saw this first in English Class, where it served as a pleasant enrichment activity for studying "Beowulf". Banderas plays an Arabian Peot, who gets kicked out of Baghdad for having an affair with some bug guy's wife. Anyway, he tarvels north, meets up with some vikings, and some crazy old whore sends him up north with twelve big hairy vikings, because without him they are doomed to failure. Hey, I'd want Zorro on my side if I was in a fight like this.
I won't give you the full details, but not only does it serve as an interetsing look at how vikings would be like if they were lived in British Columbia and bathed every day, but there is a LOT of Blood and really cool fight scenes! And there's no stupid old guy or annoying little person for comic relief, which is a HUGE boost in my opinion. Did I mention the fights?
Two things I must nit-pick though: One, the Wendol Mother seemed just a TAD young and attractive for someone who had given birth a mountain full of guys who wore dead bears and ate human beings. Second, I was GREATLY dissapoinetd by the failure of Banderas to carve "A I-F" into the chests of the cavemen he slaughters. Fun for the whole family...well, those who don't faint at the sight of blood and scary people who eat other poeple anyway.
VIEWING ADVICE: Watch it. Better yet, study Beowulf and get you English teacher to take time out of class to show it to you.
 

Ed. Note: Hey this is Proteus454's first review. He'll probably do a few more of them, unless you all send me mounds of complaint mail. Hint-hint.

TOTAL RECALL: Genre: Science Fiction
RATING: 4.1 "Tumahs"
STARRING: Ahnauld Shwartzennhardtospell, that lesbo icepick chick, Louie from Taxi, Sam Fisher, a chick with three knocker, a dude with a freaky mutant puppet growing out of his stomach, Ahnauld Shwartzennhardtospell on video
PLOT: Douglas Quaid (Ahnauld) is a construction worker who wants to go to Mars. Sharon Stone is his wife who doesn't want him to go to Mars. Against the advice of his twin brother (or was that another movie?), Arnie goes to Rekall, a travel place where instead of sending you someplace, they implant the memory of going there. But Quaid has real memories of being on Mars as a secret agent that get unlocked. And now Sam Fisher is trying to kill him, even though Sam Fisher's boss doesn't want him dead.
COMMENTS: THis movie was surprisingly good. A lot of times, people complain about product placement, but I found the product placement to be a very innovative part of this movie. One thing that makes most sci-fi seem totally unrealistic to me is the total lack of brand names anywhere. It's amazing how much believability a Fuji billboard in the background, or a soft drink can can (hehe) bring to a movie.
VIEWING ADVICE: This movie is very entertaining. But after you watch it, you really must try to track down the Total Recallin' MP3. You have not lived until you've heard a Tom Petty song parody sung in a bad Austrian accent.

UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: Genre: Science Fiction.
RATING: 1.6 human ears
STARRING: Jean Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, some cute chick reporter, some evil government guys and corrupt science guys, and a military van with a freeezer unit.
PLOT: Toward the end of the Vietnam War, Dolph Lundgren is a psycho who kills people and wears their ears aroud his neck. Van Damme fidns out, and the two of them kill each other in a shittily acted sequence. Then, both are revived for the Universal Soldier program in the 80's, because apparently, the scientists can only use dead soldiers with really atrocious accents. Anyway, what the fuck is this? These guys die in fucking Vietnam and they are reanimated in the 80's?! All I can say is, wow. I can't even keep leftover burgers for more than a week, but these guys lasted for like a decade in a cemetary?
Anyway, they regain their memories and try to kill each other.
VIEWING ADVICE: If you are a Dolph fan, a Van Damme fan, or an undead-killer-cyborg-with-a-shitty-accent fan, watch this movie, otherwise, forget it

UNIVERSAL SOLDIER 2: THE RETURN: Genre: Science Fiction.
RATING: 2.0 thought matrixes (1.999 more than the writers have)
STARRING: Jean Claude Van Damme, that hamburger helper looking dude from Spawn, some chick reporter who, while cute, was not nearly as cute as the one from the last movie, some blue-haired freak, some evil government guys and corrupt science guys, and Whoopie Goldberg
PLOT: The Unisol project is still on, and Jean Claude Van Damme has returned! No, wait, he just kinda stayed around. You gotta leave to return.
OK, then, the other Unisols return! No, wait, they all died, and these are all new Unisols. Um, well someone has returned, and there are lots of new Unisols, the squad leader of whom is some big bald wrestler dude named Whoopie Goldberg. The project gets cancelled, and Seth (the AI in charge of it) panics and starts killing people, trying to keep from being deactivated. Of course, the guys who designed teh system gave Seth complete control over the Unisols, so they all serve him. It's kinda like the Borg except these guys have less implants and are all wrestlers instead of pasty goth punks with a techno fetish. Anyway, Jean Claude Van Damme hooks up with yet another cute chick reporter to try to stop them. Yeah, Jean Claude, maybe if you team up with Cynthia Rothrock or Linda Hamilton next time, you'll have better luck.
But Van Damme had no time to reflect on thoughts such as that, because Seth downloads his brain into Michael Jai White (the dude from Spawn, only he's not all burned up and demon-possessed now), and Seth's new body is the ultimate Unisol.
VIEWING ADVICE: Did you see Universal Soldier? If you haven't and are at all worried about not getting the plot of #2, then go to the video store, ask for a copy of Universal Soldier, and then proceed to beat yourself to death with it, right there in the cashier's line. Because if you cannot follow this plot, then socially and Darwinically speaking, we do not need you.

WILD WILD WEST: Genre: Science Fiction Western. That's right... science fiction western.
RATING: 3.5 remakes of old TV shows
STARRING: The Fresh Prince of kicking alien ass and that guy who kept trying to kill John Cleese in A Fish Called Wanda
PLOT: West, an Army captain and Artemis Gordon, a US Marshal team up to stop Dr. Loveless (an evil guy with no legs). Along the way we see some wierd tech stuff, some of which would be considered advanded today. We also see lots of that overacting we love so much from Will Smith and lots of that subtle comedic style we love so much from Kevin Kline. This movie has the standard mismatched buddy cop style to it that made Lethal Weapon I so fun to watch. And oen more thing... that friggin giant robot spider rules!
VIEWING ADVICE: I liked this film. I've heard mixed reviews from my friends. But one thing I noticed is the people who really hated this film are mostly fans of the original show (I had never seen it). So if you are a big fan of the original show, skip this movie. If you are not, then watch this movie. It's funny.