THE RIKONIAN WAR
CHAPTER II
Lightning flashed across the sky. A man with wild black hair that made it look as if he had stuck his finger into an electrical socket flipped a few toggles and levers and turned a few dials. Electrical arcs filled his basement laboratory. Load pops and cracles (but no snaps) filled the air. And the wild haired man in the black lab coat laughed maniacally.
When the chaos ended, a faint haze of acrid smoke drifted up from a table. On the table sat a television with Chris Rock's image on it.
"HAHAHAHAHAHA! I get free HBO now! And they said I was mad! Mad I tell you! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Um, Doktor, you have a telephone call," intoned an automated butler system.
"Oh, OK"
And so, the evil Doktor der Schwärzung answered his telephone.
"Ah, I knew you would be in now, Doktor."
"Lord High Rikonian? Vat do you vant?"
"Herr Doktor, I have need of your skills. I've begun conquering the megaverse, and it occurs to me that I haven't even created an evil lair yet. Not to mention evil superscience devices of evil."
The Doktor began wringing his hands and cackling slightly. "Aha, zo Mr. Lord High Rikonian, you vant me to create zome evil devizes for you? Excellent! I have just the zing you want..."
* * *
Inside his study, Enterres mysteriously lounged on a myusterious chair and read his new copy of Mysterious Mystical Monthly. "Hmm," he thought, "maybe I should try to stop this whole end of the megaverse thing..."
* * *
"And so as you can see, the ipso facto of the per diem, when considered in light of the precedent of the carpe diem leads us to conclude that..."
The judge banged his gavel. "Mr. Gurdson, get to the frickin' point!"
"What? Oh us yes of course Your Honor Mr. Tong, sir! Uh, OK, uh, what I'm trying to say is, uh, I'm sorry, I forgot what case this is."
Judge Michael Tong rolled his eyes. "Again, Murdly?"
"Uh yeah, sorry. I.." Murdly's pager suddenly starts beeping.
"Uh, Your Honor, I, uh, have to go. Er, conquest of the megaverse and all..."
* * *
AnubisXy had escaped from Coolio's dimension, but he was hopelessly lost. He finally made it back to Earth, but he arrived in Pre Rifts times in a small country called NEw Zealand.
As Anubis stepped out of his rift, he saw a New Zealand native wearing wraparound sunglasses and holding an axe which seemed to crackle with electricity.
"G'day mate, toss another shrimp ont he barbee?"
"Oh, er, uh, Hello. My name is..."
"Ah you don't have to introduce yourself. I'd know Weird Al Yankovic anywhere."
"Er, no. My name is AnubisXy. I do bear a passing resemblance to him though."
"Ah, well," Stormax said. Oh great, no, I look stupid, "I'm Stormax. Hey, you haven't seen the Lord High Rikonian have you?"
"What?"
"The Lord High Rikonian. I was hired to assist his bid to take over the megaverse."
AnubisXy suddenly tensed up. "But, I, AnubisXy, am destined to take over the megaverse!"
Stormax drew his axe. Lightning played dangerously along the edge. "Then you sir, are my nemesis!"
Stormax moved his axe toward Anubis and a lightning bolt spewed out of it. Anubis dodged the bolt. Ha! This is an aborigine burial ground, Stormy!"
The ground opened up and skeletal hands clawed for the surface. Stormax jumped back to avoid them, but hands burst from the ground at his new location as well.
The skeletal remains of the warriors climbed up out of their graves. One of them had a spear which it flung toward Stormax with seemingly unerring accuracy. Stormax just barely deflected the projectile with his enchanted axe.
Stormax hurled another lightning bolt at the growing army of corpses, but even more were rising from the ground. Suddenly, the ground started rising up to reclaim its dead. "Hey! No fair!" AnubisXy shouted.
A guy in a brown robe stepped from behind some trees. He waves his hand and some rocks flew toward AnubisXy.
His friend ran into the battle, but tripped over something, as he was very drunk (having just recieved some horrible news not too long ago). He landed in a mound of recently elevated mud, and a skeletal claw managed to grab his "I got kick out of the Celestial Realm and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" shirt before he managed to roll away.
AnubisXy was outnumbered. But then he saw his Destiny! It was unearthed when the warlock raised that dirt. It was a katana of flawless quality. Well, flawless except for the fact that it was magled and twisted and melted and glowing a sickly green color.
"A glowing sword..." Anubis whispered. "It must be magical, like in AT&T!" He lunged for the sword, picked it up and held it up above his head. "Now Stormax, I and my magic weapon shall destroy you! For I have the power of-- er, why does my hand feel like a million needles are sticking through it? I don't feel soo good..."
Anubis dropped the radioactive sword and staggered off. "Somehow..." he muttered, "somehow... I bet the Rikonian is behind this..."
* * *
Draconis looked nervous.
"Hey, you look nervous," Flash Fighter said as he walked into the Justice Force main hall.
"Oh, er, yeah. I was just thinking, we have this chick on the team. Her name's Mermei. And she was checking out some evil mad scientist guy and hasn't reported back yet."
"Ah don't worry, I'm sure everything is all right," Flash Fighter said.
* * *
Doktor der Schwärzung was making some last minute preparations to leave. Even though the silver woman couldn't hear him, she could see he was talking to himself in that manic fashion he had when he was excited or nervous. "Hmm," the woman thought, "he's packing everything, even his collection of Todd McFarlane comics. He must be planning on being gone a long time."
Doktor der Schwärzung closed the clasp on his last suitcase.
"Ah, zoon I zhall go to create ze greatest array of megalomaniacal gear ever. Zuper fortrezzez, Ztarfighterz, zpaze ztations, death rayz, killer robots, genetically engineered mutant zombies, and zpam products! Yes, I vill be creating all manner of--- eh? Vat vas zat cveaking?"
Suddenly, the section of ventilation that MerMei was hiding in collapsed under her silver form and she fell to the ground.
"Aha, zo! Ve haf univited visitors! I know how to deal vit you, oh yes..."
* * *
A redneck farmer named Michael Buford Tong was walking along the country road humming a line dance song as he saw a sight he never thought he would see. "Waell ah'll be goldurned! That's a chicken with a pistol! Wow, the paper'll pay me a fortune fur that ack!"
As the lifeless body of Michael Buford Tong fell to the ground, The Mental Chicken shrugged (which is difficult for a mutant chicken to do) and blew the smoke away for the barrel of its pistol (which is really difficult for a mutant chicken to do).
"Bwak bwak bwak!" it said (loose translation from chicken-speak: "The end time is near, I shall organize my brethren to action").
* * *
Jackson Andrews was enjoying a nice quiet evening with his girlfriend Lois Stacy.
"You know," Lois said, "I noticed that you and Deadboy are never seen in the same place, and I figured out why..."
"Ulp, er really?"
"Yeah, you're deliberately avoiding him!"
"Er, I'm not dea--- er, I mean, uh yeah, I'm avoiding him. I uh" Andrews glanced up and saw the eerie yellow skull symbol reflected on some clouds. "Oh, er, I have to go. I have some er, stuff. Yeah that's it!"
"Wow! That was close! Good thing I didn't get nervous and act all stupid or anything!" Jackson Andrews thoguht as he ran out of the fancy restaurant (he wasn't sure which one since, like most good CS citizens, he was illiterate).
"Deadboy, I've been waiting for three hours!" Karl Prosek shouted.
"Well, yeah, but you see, that symbol in the sky thing..."
"Yes..."
"Well," Deadboy explained, "It's just that, you know, I have to happen to look up at the cloud you aim the thing at or I don't know it's there. And I was inside for a long time, you know. I really think a pager would be a good investment."
"Well, maybe, but you have to pay fro the pager service every month, and those charges can really add up. Anyway, you're here now, and the CS desperately needs your help!"
"I know sir, and I am very close to nailing Maverick."
"Maverick is nothing compared to the threat we now face! I have reports that the dreaded 'Ancient Evil' has been unleashed."
"You don't mean... the Old Ones!"
"Um, no."
"The Nightlords?"
"No."
"The Four Horsemen?"
"No."
"The Mechanoids! I should have known!"
"Um, wrong again."
"Tikilik? Some Terlins? What?"
"Well, we are not exactly sure what he is," began Prosek, "but he is known as the Lord High Rikonian, and our reports indicate that he has destroyed Dunscon and taken over the FoM. And that he may try to take the CS next."
* * *
Senator Elderman sighed as he looked over the latest news from his shadow operatives. He had been assigned by the Lord High Rikonian to orchestrate a subtle takeover of the United States government. "*Sigh*, this is not easy. I never realized how hard it would be to find lookalikes for all of the world's leaders."
"But I am doing a good job, right?" Darrel Hammond asked.
"Yes, you are fooling everyone. But Saturday Night Live is starting up again soon, and, well, people may get suspicious if you're not at rehearsal. *Sigh* I need some fresh air."
As Elderman stepped out of his office door, a vibro knife went through his throat. He gurgled a single word... "Why?" Or maybe he said "Fly" or "Thigh". No wait, why the hell would he say "thigh" with his dying breath? That's just stupid. "Why?" yeah that's it!
"Why?" Laughed the man hiding in the shadows as he reholstered his vibro blade, "because I an a Sigh Slayer."
And as Matthew Braydon walked off, he heard a clink sound, looked back and saw his vibro-blade lying on the floor. A quick glance toward his holster showed it was shredded. "Note to self: next time I reholster a vibro blade, I should turn it off first."
* * *
Veracusse got up off of the rock he had sat on to compose his latest journal entry. It had caused him to reflect on how tough it had been to leave Phase World behind, but it was important that he do so. He had always hated it there, but lately things were even weirder. The older Prometheans were preparing fro something and no one would tell him what it was.
"Probably has something to do with that Rikonian guy showing up out of nowhere," Veracusse mused.
"Hello, eh! Take off ya hoser, eh!" shouted Veracusse's new travelling companion, Tisaphone Comstock.
"Oh, er, I am sorry, I do not understand this strange langauge you speak. It is similar to Trade 4, but oddly divergent."
"Eh, eh?"
"Listen, Tisaphone. I heard tales of a great hero anemd Captain Riko! Can you take me to him?"
"Oh, sure, eh! He lives in America, eh! I'll take you to the Justice Force HQ, eh!"
"What is an HQA?"
"No silly, eh. It's not HQA, eh... it's HQ, eh."
"Excellent," Veracusse said.
"Of course there's a lake between us and our goal, eh, so we should take a boot."
"We plan to walk over the lake?"
"No silly, eh! Oh I get it, eh! You thought I said 'boot,' but what I really said was 'boot'"
* * *
Bri stood outside the door. "Hey, Mek, how much longer are you gonna be in there?"
"Is it dawn yet?"
"Not for another two hours! Why?"
"Damn! It's a part of the enchantment that gave me the immortality. Every time I drink a whiskey drink and a cider drink and a lager drink and a lager drink, my bladder is so full I end up (word deleted by CDA)ing the night away."
"Dude, you take that song way too seriously."
* * *
A crowd of demons surrounded the helpless woman. The demons fed on fear, and they used their captives cruelly to generate more fear.
"BOO!" a demon shouted as it jumped out from behind a corner at her.
"Hey, you interrupted me!" another demon said. "Now where was I? Oh yes, my pretty..." the demon grinned a sadistic grin at his captive. "The terror and fear that you shall give me will be sooo exquisite. Because you see, when the woman got to the gas station, an attendant found..."
The demon waited a few minutes. "... a hook stuck tot he car door! HAHA! Scared yet human?"
"Uh, not really, I heard that one in summer camp."
"Well, you are tough, human, but let's see if you can stand up to this!" a demon shouted as he pulled out a bootleg tape of The Blair Witch Project. "This will really scare you!"
He put the tape in the VCR and turned his captive's chair so that she was facing the television screen.
Hey, I never said these were competant demons.
On to Chapter 3