THE RIKONIAN WAR
CHAPTER III
Ronin and Flash Fighter had gone to meet a contact who had news of a new supervillain, deadlier than any they had ever faced. They never found the contact, but they did find his laptop computer three weeks later in some woods in Maryland.
They had taken it to Justice Force HQ, but, since none of them ws a computer scientist, no one could figure out hwo to extract the hidden data within.
Ronin finally threw his hands up in disgust. "Damn! The information we need is in a Java app. And I can't do anything with that stuff!"
"Hey," Draconis said, "I have a friend who says that he can do all sort of stuff with Java because he got this program that helps you code it. It's called Borland's JBuilder!"
"I could use that."
And so, Ronin went to the Justice Force main computer, minimized the Tromette of the Month site, and looked up Borland's Web page. "Aha! There it is... Jbuilder. Let's see... product number, credit card number, send, superspeedy delivery... Hmm, it says here the factory is next door. It should be here soon."
Three hours later, the doorbell rang. A dripping wet guy in seaweed covered battle armor carrying a large enchanted sword stood there. "I am JRifter!"
"Oh, uh, what?"
"You went on Borland's Web site and ordered a JRifter. Here I am."
"Um, we ordered JBuilder. It's a Java development package."
"Java? Why didn't you say so, it's my specialty!"
"Really?"
"Of course!" JRifter said as he stepped inside the HQ. He walked right past the computer into the kitchen and soon the aroma of coffee beans could be smelled. "Uh, not that kind of Java!" Draconis shouted.
JRifter stepped back intot he main room. "Oh! The other kind of Java! Got it." JRifter pulled out Truman Capote's Big Book O' Evolution. "Hmm... Neandarthal... Cro Magnon... Aha! Java Man! It says that Java Man was a tool user who..."
"Not that kind either," Ronin sighed.
"Oh, well, uh. Sorry guys."
Flash FIghter looked at the computer and at the laptop. "Hey, if we hooke dit up to that big supercomputer you got, could that decipher the data?"
"It could," Weasel Boy said, "but our resident technical genius is the only one who ever understood how to do stuff like that."
"Well who is he?" FlashFighter asked.
"Well, he was Captain Riko, before you started playing with toggles!"
"Oh. Great! I just knew you'd bring that up again!"
"Guys, calm down," Ronin said, "I heard an ad on the radio for BSKH Tech Services. I'll call them to help me with this."
* * *
"Tisaphone, eh?"
Tisaphone Comstock turned around and saw a guy in soem sort of bizarre armor with the Canadian po--- er maple leaf flag on it. He seemed to be holding a glowing maple leaf in his hand.
"No, eh, it's some kind of psi sword, eh," TIsaphone replied.
"No, eh! I asked if you are Tisaphone."
"Oh!, Eh. Yeah, eh. I'm Tisaphone, eh!"
"Cool, eh! Hey, let's drink some Molson's and listen to Gordon Lightfoot, eh! Canada Forever, eh!"
Just then, Veracusse poked his head out from behind some bushes. "Psst! Tisaphone! Where is the toilet paper?"
"Just use some leaves, eh!"
"Lousy no good primitive planet." Veracusse muttered from behind the bushes.
"Hey, listen, eh. My name's Johnny Cannuck. I come from the future, eh. And I travelled back in time through a rift™ to stop the evil Lord High Rikonian!"
"Who, eh?" Tisaphoen asked.
"He's an evil *ugh* warlord who has *heeeeave* begun his quest for megaversal *plop* domination," Varacusse added from behind the bushes.
"Wow," Cannuck said, "So you know him, eh?"
"We Prometheans know many things, Canadian!"
"That was snippy, eh. No decoder ring for you!" Cannuck said. Then he turned to Tisaphone. "But hey, eh, you can have a decoder ring. Especially if you can help me find the legendary hero, Weird Al Yankovic, eh."
* * *
Sif impatiently tapped her foot and pouted. "Damnit! How long are you going to be in there?" she shouted.
"Just a minute! I'm finishing my lipstick!" the Norse God of Thunder shouted from inside the bathroom.
"Hmmph!" Sif pouted. "Hercules' girlfriends never had to put up with this!"
The door opened. Thor ran out wearing a red dress, full make up and carrying Mjolnir. "I'm coming for you Elemental!" he shouted.
* * *
"So anyway, Xar, this movie was incredible, I mean, these droids all looked real! And this kid could really drive a pod, and, and and... "
"Excuse me," Enterres interrupted the Elemental, "but I think you might want to come with me."
"Where did you come from?" The Elemental asked.
"Uh, you see this big honkin' rift I jsut stepped out of?" Enterres snapped.
"Oh, yeah. But hey, I'm in the middle of telling my friend Xar about this movie I saw!"
"I think you'll want to come with me, right now."
"Now wait just a minute you..."
Suddenly, the doors of the restaurant where Xar and Enterres were eating lunch blew open in a flash of lightning. The massive figure of a God of Thunder, trying to fit into a too small dress, could be seen in the doorway. "Elementaaaaal... I've come back for youuuu..."
"Uh, OK, Enterres. I think I'll just follow you through that rift."
"I thought you'd say that." Enteress said, in a mysterious manner.
* * *
The Justice Force doorbell rang. Ronin opened the door. "Oh my god! Katie Holmes and Brittney Spears!? What are you doing here?"
"Well like, duh!" Brittney said, "What do you think BSKH stands for, silly?"
And so, Ronin, Katie Holmes, and Brittney Spears went in the back to hook up the laptop to the supercomputer. "Wow!" Ronin thought, "Now I can tell everyone I hooked up with Katie Holmes and Brittney Spears! At the same time! Hoody hoo!"
* * *
Karl Prosek was bored, so he decided to go to Lone Star to see what Dr. Desmond Bradford was up to. He also decided to check out his new self-driving car. "Take me to Lone Star" he told it.
About an hour later, the car stopped in the middle of nowhere next to a Winnebago with wings. A guy who looked kind of like Bill Pulman was standing by it. "Mr. Prosek," the car said, "I have taken you to LoneStar. Do you wish to meet Princess Vespa or Dark Helmet also?"
"Not that Lonestar, you idiot! I meant the city state in Texas!"
"Oh."
* * *
Rodimus was just about ready to go home, when a rift opened and out stepped AnubisXy. Anubis's hand was glowing a sickly green color. A lot of the flesh had come off of it.
Anubis chanted something, and then used his right hand to take his staff off of his belt.
"What was that you were just chanting, there?"
"Ah, well, you see Rodimus, I picked up a sword, which later turned out to be radioactice, and my hand has basically died from the radiation poisoning. The only way I can use it is to use necromancy to reanimate it first."
"Wow, that sucks!"
"Yeah, and I think the Rikonian is behind this. Well I will destroy him!" Anubis shouted, shaking his fist in the air and not noticing the chunks of dead skin that fell off of it.
* * *
Kaie Holmes and Brittney Spears walked out from behind the giant mainframe. Draconis walke dup to Katie. "Hello, my sweet isuzu..."
She slapped him and walked off.
Ronin flipped the computer on, and it began analyzing the data in the laptop. Finally, after a few hours, the system had deciphered a video record. It began to play.
"KNIIIIIFE!!!" Knight shouted as he bolted into the room. "Oooof!" he shouted as he tripped over the power cord fro the mainframe and fell flat on his face. The screen went dark.
"Aw, dammit Knight! Now we gotta start over!" the group jeered at him.
"After another few hours (with Knight locked in a trunk), the mainframe finally redeciphered the data. The video started again.
After Pamela Anderson had undone her second button, Ronin stopped the video. "Computer, play the other video presentation, and uh, send a copy of that video to me, OK?"
Ronin sat down int eh back to watch the video.
The second video was of a nervous guy in a trenchcoat pacing back and forth. "OK, guys," Weasel Boy began, "this is one of our informants, a Michael Tong."
The guy in the video began speaking. "Guys, listen, this is bad. I've been following Doktor der Schwärzung for the last few weeks. And he is on to something big. He has taken preparations to leave quickly, but for an indefinite time. And he is ordering some advanced stuff from Radio Shack. I asked Mer Mei to try to sneak into his hideout, but she never reported back. If the Doktor has, as I fear, left the planet, we may never see her again. But even more ominous is the fact that the Doktor appears to be allying himself with a deadly unknown. Find everything you can on 'Rikonian' and stop them, before it's too late."
Weasel Boy stood up. "Hmm, maybe we need help."
Flash Fighter stood up. "Uh, guys, I'm new at this and all, but I will help you. And you can always count on my brave sensei, Ronin."
"Huh, wha- er?" Ronin stammered. He pulled himself up from his crouching position and walked slowly away fromt he door he had been sneaking to. "Er, uh, sure I will help you, er, I guess."
"Well then it's settled!" Flash Fighter declared. "Now, we just need to get the team's leader in here so we can plan our quest!"
"Uh, slight problem with that," Draconis said.
"And what what that be, Draco?"
"You vaporized him with those toggles, you stupid mitsubisher!"
"Oh great! You people are never going to let me live that one down are you?!"
* * *
As dawn broke, Mekitsume Chumbawumba stepped out of the restroom. "My god, I'm dehydrated!" he said. "I think I need a whiskey drink."
Bri laughed. "yes, and avodka drink and a lager drink and a cider drink. I know. I already asked the barkeep to make them!"
"Good going, old chap!" Mek said.
Just then, another guy with crazy implants walked up to them. "Excuse, me, I am looking for a guy named Ed. I hate him and want to kill him."
Bri asked the guy who this Ed person was.
"Well, i happen,t o have a sketch of him here." the crazy said as he unfolded a piece of paper and pointed at a charcoal sketching of a crazy.
"Uh, that's you, dude," Mek said.
"No, silly!" the crazy said, as he pulled out another piece of paper and unfolded it. "This is a sketch of me!" the crazy explained as he pointed to what ended up being a photocopy of the first sketch.
* * *
Doktor der Schwärzung arrived at the underground parking garage where he was to meet the Lord High Rikonian. "I haf arrived! Ver are you?!"
"There is no need for shouting, my psychotic Teutonic friend. Now, I understand you know a little something about quantum armor?"
"Yezz, I do, but it izz impozzible. Due to proton decay of ze univerze, ze atoms are not ztrong enough to zupport ze qvantum matrix. Ve haf not had suitable conditionz to make qvantum armor for over 5 million yearz."
The Lord High Rikonian rubbed his chin. "Hmm... I bet you can make some quantum armor if you really tried."
The Doktor was growing flustered. "It iz impozzible!!! BUt, hmm, you zaid I am to build your vortress? Ven do I get shtarted?!"
"Intertesting choice of words," The Lord High Rikonian said as he waved his hand and opened a portal through time. "I have waited for several years for conditions to be right to open this portal. Come with me, and see your destiny."
The Lord High Rikonian waved his hand, and the Doktor's BMW's trunk opened. A securely trussed MerMei was telekinetically lifted through the rift.
The two stepped through the portal and found themselves on a barren desolate world.
"This is it. The site of my great fortress. We travelled millions of light years and exactly five million and one years into the past."
"Vow! Zat is imprezzive!" The Doktor said.
"Yes, it is," the Lord High Rikonian answered. "This world is the beginning of the final phase of my plan. Indeed it shall be the center of my empire."
"And vat do ve name zis place?"
"Something dignifed yet proclaiming my vast greatness. I was thinking... Rikonianland!"
On to Chapter 4