THE RIKONIAN WAR
CHAPTER IV
Veracusse emerged from behind the bushes after about 5 hours. "Woo! I think that Canadian bacon I ate was bad."
"It's not bacon, eh!" Tisaphone corrected him, "It's ham, eh!"
"Yeah, well, uh, hey where's your new friend?"
"Oh, he went off to find Weird Al, eh"
* * *
Karl Prosek finally got to Desmond Bradford's research complex. "Des, I brought nackos! I figured we could watch some hockey or something. Er, Des? Oh wait, there's a note here."
"Hmm, 'I am on Phase World, and will be back by noon. If that moron, KP calls, don't tell him where I went.' Hmm, Phase World? I'll have to check this out. And I should really find out who this 'KP' idiot is. He seems to be bothering a lot of my people."
Prosek turned around and saw a device labelled "GATEWAY TO PHASE WORLD. DELICATE MULTIDIMENSIONAL EQUIPMENT. DO NOT TOUCH. THIS MEANS YOU, KP"
"Hmm, a gateway to Phase World. I think I'll try it. I just hope that KP idiot hasn't messed with this."
* * *
Johnny Cannuck, hero of Canadians everywhere, had walked for aboot, er about three hours, when he stopped and exclaimed "Wow! I found the Legendary hero! I found Weird Al!"
AnubisXy stopped applying his lead bandage to his hand long enough to turn around and ask who the hell Johnny Cannuck was.
"Well, I'm Johnny Cannuck, and I was just aboot to ask if you would help me save Canada."
"Go away punk, I could care less aBOUT Canada," Anubis snarled.
"But, Great Weird One, you are the only one that the Canadian Elders say can defeat the evil Lord High Rikonian!"
"I don't care--- wait a minute. Lord High Rikonian?!"
"Yes, he's aboot to take over Canada!"
"Hmm..." AnubisXy mused, "I was just about to go attack the Rikonian myself. Perhaps we should ally ourselves..."
"Ah yes, that would be aboot perfect! I know that your noble and honorable soul will lend nobility to our quest, oh scrupulous one. May the benevolent spirit of Our Savior Tom Green be with you always."
"Uh, yeah whatever..."
* * *
Mek and Bri were relaxing on the bridge of the SkyBoat, when suddenly, Bri got up and began flying into one wall after another.
"Hey, Bri, cut that out, I'm trying to relax!" Mek shouted.
"It's not me," Bri said, "This invisible person is beating the crap out of me!"
"Yes, it is I, Aura, the sw@nky pirate captain! And with my mystic belt of invisibility, I am unstoppable. AnubisXy sends his regards! HAHA!"
Mek stood up and set down his cider drink. He focused for a moment, then drew his Blanke Rune sword and swung it, hilt-outward, so the hilt connected with the invisible piratewoman's head just as she was leaping to plunge a dagger into his heart. Aura become visible as she collapsed unconscious onto the deck.
"Wow!" Bri said, "that was amazing, but how did you know where to strike?"
"Easy," Mek explained, "I happen to have the psionic ability: See Aura."
* * *
Enterres, Xar, and the Elemental were journeying to a version of 20th Century Earth where Enterres had foreseen that they must go, when their rift crossed that of a dimension-crossing dragon. All four of them materialized right outside a large white marble arched building with a gleaming steel "JF" sign on the front of it.
"Well," said Enterres as he dusted himself off, "this is the place. Come on."
"Er, hi, I'm Drakenred," said the diminutive dragon.
"Yes, I knew that," said Enterres, mysteriously.
* * *
"Egad! Someone's at the door!" Knight shouted.
"Well, let them in," Ronin replied.
"Wow! Good idea!" Knight said as he ran to open the door.
"Hey! Did anyone order three wizards and a dragon?"
"I didn't!" Ronin answered.
"Me either!" Weasel Boy shouted.
"I didn't!" Draconis shouted, "but do they have the sushi pizza I ordered?!"
"We will enter now," Enterres said.
"Uh, you will enter now," Knight said.
"Wow!" FlashFighter said, "Did you use the Force™ on him?"
"No, he's just very suggestable. You are the heroes known as Justice Force."
"Um, are you the IRS?" Draconis asked.
"No."
"Oh, then yeah, we're them."
"I have a job for you all," Enterres began. "There is a great evil in the megaverse which threatens to consume all. It is the Lord High Rikonian."
"Oh sorry," Knight said, "but we're busy. We gotta track down Doktor der Schwärzung and some Rikonian guy he's hanging out with."
"That's the same guy, stupid!" Draconis shouted.
* * *
Deadboy had just returned to the Deadcave. His sidekcik Snake was waiting for him.
"I have news for you, Snake," Deadboy said. "I found out from an informant that Mav and his gang have gone to Phase World."
"Uh, I have bad news." Snake said. "You remember that transmitter we put on Prosek in case someone tried to kidnap him? Well it stopped trnasmitting, but its final sends indicate it went through a dimensional rift to Phase World. YOu know what we have to do now, right?"
"Yes! I do!" Deadboy said. "We have to go to the drycleaners and pick up our spare costumes!"
"Um, yeah, OK, but I think first we have to go to Phase World to rescue Emperor Prosek and capture Maverick!"
"OK, but we have to be back by five. It's a long weekend coming up, and you know how itchy these costumes can get if we have to wear the same ones for too long!"
* * *
"This is stupid," Arthur said.
"Nonsense," the sword coutnered. "This is our destiny as heroes, chum!"
"Um, yeah about that. I don't want to be a superhero anymore."
"Well, no time to argue, she's coming!"
A tallfit woman with Nordic good looks approached. "I am known as the Lady B'rsl'yr. I have come from Atlantis to battle the evil Lord high Rikonian. Are you the one I talked to in the ad?"
"Um, no," Arthur said.
"Um, yes," the sword said, "I called you."
"What the hell?" Arthur asked, "How did you dial? You're a sword!"
* * *
AnubisXy was meditating, when a figure appeared before him. It was a ghostly blue figure clad in brown desert robes, with long hair and sunglasses, and it looked kind of like the Lord High Rikonian, only much older.
"You msut use the Force... hey wait a minute! This isn't Empire Sw@nks Back, is it?"
"Um, no, this is the Rikonian War."
"Damn, I have manifested in the wrong message board fanfic. Um, don't use the Force then."
* * *
The Lord High Rikonian was leaping from rock to rock of the desolate desert world. The Doktor had trouble keeping up with him, until the Lord High Rikonian opened a rift and Murdly drove through it in his car and offered to let the Doktor ride with him. The Rikonian also took a few seconds to put MerMei in the trunk, as he was getting tired of shlepping her around with his telekinesis.
Finally, the Lord High Rikonian stopped his leaping. "Aha, this is the place! Hey! Look up at that young red sun! This place has definite possibi--Oof!" Unfortunately, Murdly was following too close and couldn't stop his car when the Lord High Rikonian stopped.
The Lord High Rikonian took a second to realign his molecular structure, then walked up to his lackey. "Murdly, when this is over, I am going to sue you for that. So be ready, because I want you to represent me."
The Doktor examined the rocky clearing that the Lord High Rikonian had selected.
"Umm, Herr Rikonian, zir! Ziz clearink is approximately well, er, it's frickin' huge! I zot you vanted a base!"
"Yes, a base, with a city built around it. it shall be so magnificent and eclectic that I can hide anything there and no one shall ever suspect. Why, my enemies could set up shop within its walls and never even think that I am there!"
At this moment, a guy in a long leather overcoat wearing aviator glasses walked up to the group.
"Hello, my name is Zerstorer der Welton. And, well, you may wish to leave, I plan to destroy this world."
"Vat? But vy?" the Doktor asked.
"Well, it's a world, and I destroy those."
"Ah, yez, Zerstorer der Welton... Destvoyer of Vorlds!"
"Exactly."
"But vy zis particular vorld?"
"It was the site of the galactic DMV. I hate those guys."
Murdly stepped forward. "Um, according to the precedant of Balasco vs. Galactus, if an evil supernatural being, heretofor known as the evil rat bastard of the first part, stakes out an uninhabited world for his own use, then ipso ergo cognito sum, any world devourer or world destroyer, heretofore known as the evil rat bastard tot eh second part, shall be legally bound to avoid destroying or devouring said planet. Furthermore, in the civil case of Observor vs. Michael J. Nelson, it has been shown that... oof!"
Zerstorer casually flung Murdly back into a pile of rocks. "I hate lawyers. In fact, I'm off to destroy a planet of lawyers after I finish this joint off."
The Lord High Rikonian was unusually calm. "Um, Zerstoer, you don't mind if I call you Z-Dog, do you?"
"Actually, I would mind,"
"OK, that's great, Z-Dog. Anyway, listen, this is my world, and you are not going to zerstor it. Now, I know you seek revenge against your DMV, but the neutron bomb I set off to clear this clearing already totally destroyed it."
"But... my revenge..."
"You're immortal, you can always come back later."
"Yes! In five million years, I shall return!"
"Um, hmm. Make it five million and one, and you've got a deal!"
"OK, coolness, evil dude!" The Zerstorer der Welton lifted into the sky.
"Ah, that worked out impeccably," the Rikonian said.
"Impeccably? IMPECCABLY? You frickin' moron! That Zerstorer freak vill come back in our near future and zerstor zis welton!"
"Yes, my cranky scientist lackey, that he will. But we have all of the time between now and then, while our enemies are locked in the present, er future. And they are sure to find out where I am hiding. When they arrive to 'zerstor' me, the Zerstoer der Welton shall arrive and eliminate this world, and them along with it. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!"
The evil supernatural being's two lackeys joined in on the maniacal laughter.
On to Chapter 5