THE RIKONIAN WAR
CHAPTER V
"So, Johnny. I think you should-- Wiat a minute," Anubis said as he sensed a familiar presence behin dhim.
He turned around and saw a small child standing in the street.
"Hey kid," Johnny Cannuck said, "Are you lost, eh? Hey, I bet you never thought you'd meet Weird Al Yankovic, eh!"
"That's not Weird Al Yankovic! It's some wanky guy named AnubisXy!"
"That's sw@nky™!" Anubis snarled.
"Wait a second, eh!" Johnny exclaimed, "you mean you are not Weird Al Yankovic, eh?!"
"Er, yeah. Sorry about that."
"Then you sir, are my nemesis, eh! The forces of Canada shall destroy you, eh!"
"Oooh! Canada! I'm soooo scared!"
* * *
"...And so you see, this Lord High Rikonian will try to conquer or destroy the Megaverse!"
"Wow can we stop him?" Draconis asked.
"Well," Enterres said, "according to my findings, the Lord High Rikonian's essense is so powerful, that fragments would break off and become sentient. If we could get one to join us, I think it could destroy him."
"Hmm," Flash Fighter said, "Do you know who these fragments are?"
"One of them is your enemy, Doktor der Schwärzung. Another is the planet destroying entity, Zerstörer der Welten is another. But one fragment is a hero, and my calculations indicate it is on your world!"
"What do we know about this fragment?" Flash Fighter asked.
"Well," Enterres explained, "he would be powerful, noble, and in some way resemble the Lord High Rikonian."
"Hey!" Weasel Boy said, "that sounds like our leader, Captain Riko!" Weasel Boy pointed to a large portrait of Captain Riko.
"By the many pantheons and godlike beings of the Megaverse! That is him! Take me to this hero at once!"
"Um, slight problem"
"What problem?"
Weasel Boy pointed at Flash Fighter. "He killed him yesterday."
* * *
"I'm never gonna dance again..." Prosek slurred drunkenly, "'cause guilty feet have got no rhythm... dum dum dee dee dum dum dum, something about dance floors."
"Well well well!" Maverick said as he jumped out in front of Prosek, "what have we here?"
"Oh, hi," Prosek said, "Wanna go to the kareoke bar with me? That place is so cool!"
"Um, no. I'm here to kill you, Prosek"
"Huh? Like, why dude?"
"Don't you recognize me? You kicked me out of the CS army with a dishonorable discharge because I decked an officer."
"Oh sorry. Doesn't ring any bells. We get lots of that."
"It's me, Maverick!"
"That's only our second most popular callsign, right behind Keanu."
"I stole a super SAMAS and you marked me for death! That ring any bells!"
"Um, no. Wait a minute. Are you Pierce?"
"No. I am not Pierce! OK, one night I got drunk, and I snuck into your house and put your poodle in the clothesdryer."
"YOU?! That was YOU?!" Prosek bellowed. "Poor Boopsie was never the same after that! I'll kill you!"
"Aah... now you remember me."
* * *
"I'm a rocketman! Rocketman! ROCKETMAN!" the glowing alien sang as he flew through space.
A guy in armor flew up to him. "BruteForze, quit singing that old Elton John song. I need to speak with you!"
"Huh? I thought it was a William Shatner song," the Blaize known as BruteForze replied.
"Whatever," Tymero snapped, "we have to act fast. A great evil is afoot!"
"Well, as long as it's not the Lord High Rikonian," sighed BruteForze.
"Uh, Brute... you may want to sit down."
"How in Hades am I supposed to sit down?! I'm in the middle of empty space!"
* * *
AnubisXy was relaxing before his big trip.
"Come on, Anubis! Taste this mango!"
"What?" Anubis snarled.
A tall lanky guy with a goatee was standing there, holding a mango. "Try this mango! Come on, try the mango! The Mango is good!"
"What are you on?"
"What? You don't like mangos? Why don't you like mangos?"
AnubisXy conjured a few zombies to chase off the annoying mango guy. "I'll be back, eh! You can't keep teh Tom Green Show away forever, eh! Go on, try the mango!"
* * *
"All right Snake! I think we're ready." Deadboy said as he adjusted Desmond Bradford's Phase World portal's control dial.
"Good! Now let's go stop Mav and rescue our emperor!"
"Um, Snake, aren't you forgetting something?" Deadboy held a small eyemask in his hand.
"Hey, I'm not wearing that. It looks stupid!"
"Hey, I didn't make you wear the little green shorts. So come on, wear the mask. It's a traditional superhero sidekick wardrobe thing! YOu don't see me complaining that I have to wear my underwear on the outside of my suit. And let me tell you, those MDC zippers really hurt!"
"Those masks are stupid. No one will be fooled."
"Sure they will," Deadboy put the mask on Snake.
"Hey! YOu, sir. Where did my sidekick Snkae go? He was here just a minute ago!"
"It's not working Deadboy. Quit clowning around."
Deadboy grew frantic. "Ack! Wher eis Snake!" He started shaking his sidekick. "Who are you and what did you do with Snake?!"
Snake pulled the eyemask off. "Whoa, easy there Deadboy"
"Oh thank the hypothetical god that we don't worship because we are anti-mystical! I thought that strenage masked guy had done something with you!"
"That was me you git!"
"Wow! These masks really do work!"
"This is getting old," Snake thought, "I knew I should have become a lone ranger of CS ideals."
* * *
AnubisXy was ready to leave for Phase World. "Rodimus! Hey Rodimus, come on, let's go!"
A streamlined semifuturistic car with a streamlined semifuturistic trailer pulled up beside Anubis. The car began to shift and change, until a giant robot stood before the great necromancer. "Hi, I'm Rodimus Prime, what do you want, they can hear you all the way on Cybertron!"
"Not you, stupid! I'm calling the other Rodimus."
"Oh, sorry."
* * *
Meanwhile, in the top floor of the book depository across the street, a disgruntled Canadian guy with plastic rimmed glasses pulled his lawn chair to the window, got a good vantage point of AnubisXy and positioned his thumb and forefinger so they looked like they were clamped down on the necromancer's head. "Mess with Canada, eh, flathead?! Well I am crushing your head! I'm crushing your HEEEAAAD!!!"
* * *
The woman strapped to the shair jsut stared blankly at teh screen in front of her. A demon walked in fornt of her to retrieve the videotape. "Ah, that was a scary movie, no?"
"No offence, but that movie sucked."
"Oh. Well, we were saving this, but..." the demon pulled out another videotape. "Ah, yes. Manos: Hands of Fate!"
Another demon walked in. "And if you survive that, we have the entire Joe Don Baker collection, starting with Mitchel. Ah yes, Mitchel. A whimsical romp about a rogueish detective who..."
"ARGH! NO! You fiends!" the woman screamed. "Not Joe Don Baker!"
Suddenly, teh screen exploded. The demons spun around and saw a Russian guy with a shotgun leap through the window. "Die demons! Die!" he shouted as he shot them again.
"Haha! The human thinks his gun can hurt us?! He-- ow! Those bulelts are silver! That stings!"
"Hey, human! You could put an eye out with that thing!"
"Lets get out of here! This guy's like a crazy person! He won't be happy until he puts somebody's eye out!"
The demons ran off. The man ran over to release the woman. "Alexander?" she asked.
"Yes, it's me. I've finally found you."
"The demons were horrible. They-- they-- they were going to make me watch Joe Don Baker movies!"
"Those bastards! Joe Don Baker is the worst actor ever! Although I did find Mitchel to be a whimsical romp."
* * *
It was dark. Strange dark shapes seemed to swirl in the sky. Strange inhuman sounds of despair and hatred filled the air. It also smelled like someone farted.
"Sorry, my bad. Fahita for lunch," Murdly explained.
"I ztill don't zee yy ze haf to do ziz," the Doktor said, "ziz plaze gives me ze cveeps!"
"Don't worry, Dok. This is your standard hellish interdimensional prison."
The Lord High Rikonian pulled an amulet from his pocket and said a few incomprehensible words in a long dead language. Cracks appears in the ground before the trio.
A large oily black mass rose from the ground. It's single eye glared accusingly at the three people it towered over. "WHO DARES DISTURB APSU?!"
"Ur, um, zorry, but you zee, ziz guy here, er um"
The Doktor and Murdly began slowly backing up, leaving the Lord High Rikonian standing, alone against the evil being.
"Apsu, I am the Lord High Rikonian, Master of the Dimensional Kingdoms of Rikonia, and Usurper of the Megaverse. You can obey me or die!"
"OOOOH! I'M SHAKING! MASTER OF RIKONIA, BIG FREAKIN' WHOOP!"
"This is your final chance Apsu, surrender or die!"
"YOU THREE SHALL PERISH!"
"Hey! Vait a zecond! Ve are not vit him! He iz insa--"
"SILENCE!"
"Apsu?" The Rikonian asked.
"YOU ARE A FOOL, AND SHALL DIE!!!" Apsu fired a destructive bolt at the Lord High Rikonian. The Rikonian vanished, and reappered a few feet closer to Apsu. He had pulled something from his overcoat pocket.
"No, Apsu. It is you who shall die," The Lord High Rikonian said as he poured a small pile of a golden powder into his palm. "You should have agreed to serve me when you had the chance!"
The Lord High Rikonian extended his arm and blew lightly on the pile of powder. It flew directly into Apsu's giant eye. "OWWW! IT BURNS! GET ME VISINE QUICKLY! GET BEN STEIN HERE WITH SOME DAMN VISINE!!! DAMN YOU RIKONIAN! SAND IS NOT SPORTING!"
The Lord High Rikonian chanted something, and an etherial being appeared. His haggard face was topped by a black bowl haircut. The Rikonian pointed at Apsu's quivering mass of tentacles. "Moe! Finish him!"
* * *
"I have an idea," Enterres said.
"Me too!" Knight exclaimed. "Let's go out for ice cream!"
"Um, actually," Enterres said, "I was thinking that maybe we can bring an essence fragment to our side after all. You wouldn't happen to have the remains of Captain Riko, would you?"
"Um," Knight said, "hold on, let me see if Weasel Boy emptied our vacuum yet."
On to Chapter 6