THE RIKONIAN WAR
CHAPTER VI
Weasel Boy poured the Ronco™ Vaculux's contents onto the table. "Well, that's him!" he said.
"Ah, I assumed the remains would be more substantial, oh well..."
Enterres cast the Id Self spell. Lights swirled around the dust. A wind picked up. Some of the ashes got in Weasel Boy's face, causing a violent sneezing fit. "Dammit! Enterres *sneeze* I'm allergic *sneeze* to cremated *sneeze, cough* remains!"
A shape arose from the pile of dust. It was human. As the smoke cleared, they could see Captain Riko, wearing a black bodysuit with silver trim and sporting a goatee.
"Ah, Captain Riko! You can help us save the universe!" Flash Fighter said.
"Yes..." Riko said as he rubbed his chin, "I would be happy to ensla-- er defend, the universe!"
Enterres looked troubled. "Something is not right, but I can't put my finger on it..."
* * *
"Unhand our beloved emperor, fiend!" Deadboy shouted.
"What? I'm not holding on to him?" Mav countered.
"Oh? OK. Then grab him and then unhand him, fiend!"
"OK," Mav grabbed Prosek's arm, then shoved him away. "Now what, freak?"
Deadboy pulled out a metal disk with a skull emblem. "Now you feel the wraith of my Skullarang™!"
"That's not a boomerang, it's a disk! It should be a Skullbee™"
"Oh yeah, you're right, well, anyway, feel my wraith!" Deadboy threw the disk and it hit Mav square int he forehead, bounced off a bit, and flew back into Deadboy's hand.
"Ouch! That really hurts!" Mav said.
"Well, justice hurts!"
"What justice? You're the CS!"
"Um, Mav does kinda have a point," Prosek said.
Deadboy just shrugged and threw the disk again. This time at Iron Knight, the cyborg who had just joined Mav. The disk bounced harmlessly off the borg's armored hide. Before it could go back to Deadboy, the borg caught it.
"Hey!" Deadboy shouted, "give that back! It's mine!"
Alexander Krieg, zapper extroardaire, tapped the disk, then said "go on, give it back..."
Iron Knight threw the disk back to Deadboy. Deadboy caught it and his hair immediatel went straight out. "YEEEOW!"
"Consider yourself zapped, Deadboy!"
"I've been thinking," Mav said, "And I think it's about time we let Deadboy in on my Truth In Advertising idea."
"Yeah, we should," Krieg agreed. "I counted once, and you're right, there really are only 1.95 scoops of raisins!"
"Not that one, idiot!" Mav snarled. "The other Truth In Advertising idea!"
"Um, the one about 1-800-CALL-SAVING-456-101022090210666 not really saving money over other long distance options?" Iron Knight asked.
"No! The one about Deadboy!"
"Huh? Not following ya," Iron Knight and Krieg said.
"Well, he's called Deadboy, but he's not really dead now is he?"
"Oh yeah," Krieg said, "of course, he's also not really a boy. I mean, he is grown up now, he'd be more of a man, right?"
"Guys! Come on, let's just kill him!" Mav shouted.
"And it's not really advertising, now is it?" Iron Knight said, "I mean, he doesn't buy billboards or interrupt our TV shows!"
"Just shut up and get them!" Mav shouted.
The group of mercs turned toward their rivals to see they had ducked out of sight during the argument. "Great! They got away! Thanks a lot guys!"
* * *
Flash Fighter and Captain Riko were walking through town on their way to pick up some supplies. A young school teacher was taking her class on a field trip, saw the two of them, and ran up to the Captain. "Captain Riko! Would you say a few words to my class? It would mean a lot! You know, moral lessons and that sort of thing! By the way, nice goatee!"
"I'd be glad to, baby," Riko said.
Riko looked at the kids and flashed his perfect smile. "Do drugs, kids!"
"What?!" the teacher yelled.
"And remember, don't kick a man while he's down. Wait till he starts to get up. You can get a better angle and break his neck with one hit!"
Seemingly ignorant of the horrified looks he was getting, Captain Riko continued. "And remember, Nixon was truly our greatest President!"
* * *
Mer Mei was strapped into a chair in the not-so-good Doktor's lab. Tubes led into her arms, elctrodes were hooked up to her. She wasn't quite sure what was planned, but it did not look good. She jumped a little as she noticed a presence int eh room. "You?! What do you want?"
"Refresh my memory," the Lord High Rikonian, "it was the Doktor who kidnapped you, right?"
"Um, yeah..." MerMei said, hesitantly.
"Good. Then this is not against supervillain regulations," the Rikonian said as he undid the locks on the chair.
"What are you doing?" MerMei asked.
"I'm rescuing you, what else would I be doing unlocking your chair?"
"But, but, you're the bad guy! I mean, not that I don't appreciate it, but, well, you're the bad guy!"
"Well," the Lord High Rikonian explained, "I always did think outside the box. Now hurry, we don't have much time!"
"Why? Is the Doktor coming?"
"Who cares, I could vaporize him with a stray thought. But Friends is coming on and I ran out of videotapes!"
* * *
"What the hell were you doing?!" Flash Fighter demanded.
"Not now, my Riko-Hearing™ is picking up trouble!"
Captain Riko flew into the air and his Riko-Vision™ saw an old lady fending off a purse snatcher with her cane. "Don't worry! I'm coming!"
Captain Riko flew over to the scene, grabbed the cane, then snatched the purse and handed it to the thief. "Here you go. Watch yourself now." he said.
"Uh, wow! Thanks Captain Riko! YOu're my hereo!" the purse snatcher said.
Flash Fighter came running up. "Oh my god! You're an evil alternate Captain Riko!"
"Um, yeah. What? You didn't want an evil Riko? Hmm. This is awkward."
"Flying Thunder Punch™!"
Captain Riko effortlessly parried the flying thunder punch, sending him flying into a pile of trash cans.
"Um, wow. Let's see, what is it that Ronin always said?" Flash thought. "Oh yeah, 'don't be a shmuck!' All right, I won't be a shmuck!" he said.
"Turbine Foot Sweep!" Flash Fighter shouted as, instead of a foot sweep, he executed a kick to Captain Riko's head. "YEEOW!!!" Flash cried out, "I broke my foot!"
"No one told you I was invulnerable, did they? Too bad."
"Damn! What would Ronin say to this... Oh yeah, I got it... 'Um, sorry Flash, I got nothing.' Crap that's not a lot of help is it?"
* * *
Flash Fighter limped into Justice Force HQ. "Where's Riko?!" Draconis asked him.
"Well, we were on our way to ToggleMart to pick up some space toggles, when..."
"Great!" Weasel Boy said, "you flipped more toggles and killed this Captain Riko too! I knew we couldn't trust you!"
"No, we never got there. He stopped to talk to some school kids, and I realized that he was an evil alternate Captain Riko when he told them that Nixon was our greatest President."
"Egad! We've got to stop him!" Knight said.
"No time," Enterres explained, "we have to go to Phase World to destroy the Lord High Rikonian."
* * *
The rat finally got back. "It's about time!" AnubisXy snarled. We need to get to Phase World so we can find out where this Rikonian guy is!"
Anubis used his Narumi Rift-O-Matic™ to open a rift to Phase World.
* * *
"I've got you now, flathead!"
Just before the thumb and forefinger clamped together, AnubisXy and Rodimus jumped through a rift. A garbage can behind them crimped up into a flat metal disk.
"YOu live today, flathead! But you cannot escape me! I will crush your head!"
* * *
Captain Riko was relaxing in the hotel room he had rented when he saw a ghostly image (resembling him, but wearing a cloak) standing in the middle of the room. "I am the Lord High Rikonian. It is your destiny to join me in my quest to conquer the Megaverse!"
"Um, OK. Can it wait until Frasier is over?"
"Um yeah, I'm watching that too."
* * *
"Bri! Set a course for Phase World! Maybe we shall find this AnubisXy person there!" Mekitsume Chumbawumba shouted.
"Er, OK"
"Bri? Are your knobs sliding down your head?"
"What? Oh crap, my sweat must be weakening the stick-on pads!"
* * *
Johnny Cannuck stepped into the portal to Phase World. Surely there he would find allies to support the New Canadian Order™
"My destiny is at hand, eh!"
* * *
Matthew Braydon was asleep when the Lord High Rikonian appeared to him in a dream. He was shown images of vast wealth and power. "Join my mighty forces, Braydon, and you shall be rewarded. I shall charge you with the task of eliminating a pesky rival, the evil necromancer vampire AnubisXy."
"No problem, Rikonian. I happen to be a Xy Slayer."
* * *
A giant humanoid being wearing a leather jacket and aviator goggles drifted through space toward Phase World. "It's been five million years, 364 days, 23 hours, and 15 minutes. Almost time to destroy this place!"
* * *
The Lord High Rikonian looked at his watch. "Oh! I almost lost track of the time. OK gang! After Frasier is over, we better leave this popsicle stand and retire to the dimensional kingdom of Rikonia! Hehehe, our enemies will sure be surprised when they get here!"
His motley army shouted their assent, all except for the Doktor, who was sitting in a corner sulking over not being able to perform insane mad scientist experiments on Mer Mei.
On to Chapter 7