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Realm of Rikonia
Rikonian Revuze
(Movies)
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Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:30:21 PM)
Rating: 4.00 cheap corpse masks
Genre: Schlock Horror
Starring: Bruce Campbell and four other people
Plot: A bunch of college kids go to a cabin in the middle of nowhere, dig up an old reel to reel tape player which contains the spell for calling demons and basically giving them clearance to kill you in whatever horrible way they want. So of course, they play the tape, demons come, and gradually kill and possess them. Unless you are really a fan of the franchise, you can probably do without this film. It's not all that bad, but Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn was much better. It had more humor to it, whereas this was attempting (at least I think it was) to be a serious horror flick. Kinda hard to take a film seriously when the zombies all look like they got their makeup at the K-Mart Halloween rack. I've seen a lot of these college kids vs. the slasher/demon/whatever flicks and I always wonder how the morons from those movies ever got into college in the first place.
Viewing Advice: If it's on TV, then watch it. You probably don't want to order the video (which I did. oops)
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:28:44 PM)
Rating: 5.00 bats
Genre: Comedy (I think)
Starring: Johnny (greatest actor alive!) Depp and some other guy
Plot: Johnny Depp is Raoul Duke and the other guy is his "attourney" Dr. Gonzo. They are sent by a magazine to cover a big Nevada motorcycle race, and they take most every psychotropic substance known to man. This is a freak show. The hallucinations are freaky and rendered incredibly with the advanced visual effects used. But the best part of the story is Depp's voiceover running account of what's going on. "My God! The entire place was filled with reptiles, and somebody has given then alcohol! It would only be minutes before we were torn to shreds!" which he somehow delivers with a serious voice.
Viewing Advice: Watch this movie. But, if you do drugs, do not take them while watching. I don't know what would happen, but it would really fuck your mind up.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/27/2009 8:32:50 PM)
Rating: 4.00 brutal eviscerations
Genre: Horror comedy
Starring: Henry Rollins, Jason Mewes, that Champion of the World guy, Navi Rawat, Clu Gulager, and some dude named Balthazar
Plot: An isolated bar filled with a disparate group of people. No working phone. No cell service. It's like they're asking to get killed by a monster.
But before we get to that, let's meat, er meet, the cast. No wait, I was right the first time. The old bartender is Clu Gulager, who is useful. But perhaps not as useful as Gallagher would be, because he'd have that giant sledgehammer. Henry Rollins plays a douchebag motivation speaker (that's a motivational speaker who is a douchebag, not a speaker who motivates douchebags. Although this character could realistically only motivate douchebags). Jason Mewes plays Jason Mewes. The Champion of the World guy from 30 Rock plays the schlubby beer delivery guy. Balthazer Getty is the movie's dumb jock type. The guy who always gets killed in this sort of movie (as the introductory subtitles point out. His younger brother is in a wheelchair, so that's a huge complication. There's also a single mother, a ditzy waitress, a badass asshole type. And the Hero.
You know he's the Hero, because he shows up right before the monsters start attacking the bar, he says he's the guy who's gonna save all their asses, and the helpful subtitle captions tell you he is. See, this movie has very helpful captions in the beginning that tell you who everyone is, what their jobs and/or roles in the horror film are, and their life expectancy, and always with a sarcastic touch. The captions aren't that helpful though because the Hero needs to be replaced a couple minutes into the movie. And that's the last spoiler I'll give. From here on out, the only thing to be spoiled is your appetite.
I will say, however, that this movie has fun with the expectations of classic horror movie tropes. It alternates between defying your preconceptions and revelling in the cliches. Will any of these people live through the night? Who will end up being the dirtbag who betrays the others and almost gets everyone killed (there's always that one guy)? Will Jason Mewes live to make Clerks 3? You'll have to watch an hour and a half of cheesy old-fashioned stop motion effects, brutal violence, and hilarious comedy to find out.
Viewing Advice: Watch this movie! It is very funny and it has a retro horror slasher flick vibe to it. But be warned, this is the most brutal horror comedy you're likely to see for a while. And also, a volume warning: Early on in the flick, one of the characters shouts something to the monster to the effect of "get the fuck out of here, you motherfucking monkey!" This line is very loud. It may even be the loudest part of the whole movie. So you may want to keep the volume down if you live in an apartment.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 2/22/2011 12:40:33 PM)
Rating: 4.00 flea collars
Genre: Horror
Starring: Mario Van Peebles
Plot: Mario Van Peebles is a good cop! Er, sorry, I just love using that phrase. Saw too many bad 80's cop movies as a kid, I guess. Anyway, he is a good cop, and so is his partner, who gets all shot up and is probably gonna die. Then someone gives him a serum and he's suddenly fully healed and exhibiting superhuman abilities.
Mario is about the only one who thinks this is odd. Hey, you gotta get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on Mario. Just ask Chris Lambert. He almost lost his head to the MVP in Highlander III.
Anyway, Mario's partner ends up killing himself, and Mario ends up joining the same super-werewolf squad that his partner couldn't handle being involved with. OK, remember what I said earlier about the MVP? Well, uh, maybe I spoke too soon. At any rate, Mario soon finds that the creepy European guy who set up the whole operation has a hidden agenda (oh really?).
Viewing Advice: This is a not a very good film, in terms of any great cinematic quality, but it is a fun film to watch. And in the end, isn't that all that matters. If you want a good action movie with superpowered werewolf cops to wile away 2 hours of a boring weeknight, then this is a damn good choice.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:16:22 PM)
Rating: 5.00 angry rants
Genre: Comedy
Starring: Steve Odenkirk, Jim Carrey, that dude who always hangs out with Martin Mull, a few other people
Plot: Steve "that thumb guy" Odenkirk (not the brother of the dude with hair on Mr. Show, as I beleived when I originally wrote this review) plays a guy who is really hostile and complains about everything. As he rants hilariously in his apartment, strange visions of some bizarre demonaic figure (played by Jim Carrey) keep haunting him and telling to to be ready for 8-o-clock. It's basically an Outer Limits episode spliced with a standuop routine, which sounds like a shitty idea, but it works!
Odenkirk gets progressively more and more high strung (which is good since that's the movie title) as 8-o-clock comes closer and closer.
Viewing Advice: Damn, this movie is funny. Go rent it at once. I laughed my ass off.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:24:31 PM)
Rating: 5.00 head-loppings
Genre: Fantasy
Starring: Christopher Lambert, Sean Connery, Clancy Brown
Plot: The flick that started it all. The plot is basically simple. Connor MacLeod is a Scotish Immortal who can only die by having a guy with a sword reduce his height by about a foot. The Kurgan is another Immortal who wants to kill Connor and claim the Prize (which apparently lets you rule the world and stuff). Unfortunately, the Kurgan is not only really strong, but also really evil. This film has awesome swordfights, cool flashbacks of Mac fighting Nazis and stuff), cool effects, and a killer soundtrack.
Viewing Advice: Definitely see this movie. Avoid the sequel.
Watch 3 and 4 (Endgame) if you wish. They're good but not everyone likes them.
Avoid the Source. It's even WORSE than Highlander 2.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:22:36 PM)
Rating: 4.00 head-loppings
Genre: Fantasy
Starring: Christopher Lambert, Mario Van Peebles
Plot: Highlander III: We Can Learn From Our Mistakes! is what this should have been called. For those of you put off by H2:TQ, do not worry. There is no Zeist, no aliens, and no Sean Connery's ghost ("Help me Obi-Wan 007"). This is an entertaining movie, but I must say I prefered the first movie. Anyway, the basic plot is that some dude (I forget the name, but he was the guy played by Peebles) killed Mac's Japanese mentor but got trapped in an avalanche. Hundreds of years later, he emerges (thanks to excavation) and tries to kill Macleod. Peebles is really evil looking and has a creepy voice too, so he really works as a villain. There is plenty of comic relief though, particulary the mental ward escape scene. One thing was disappointing though: no Queen music in the soundtrack.
One thing puzzled me though. The Prize was supposed to make Connor really powerful, but he wasn't. Maybe the answer was in H2: TQ, which means I may have to watch it :(
OK, one other thing puzzles me. When you kill an Immortal you get his power, and we saw Peebles use that Japanese dude's illusion power, but how come we never see MacLeod (either one) using the funky powers of all those dudes THEY killed?
Viewing Advice: Yes, give this movie a shot. This is not a great movie, but it is a good movie.
Reviewed By: Persephone977 ( 10/20/2009 5:39:48 PM)
Rating: 4.00 Kicks to the Head
Genre: Kung Fu
Starring: 3 Holy Fools, 2 Shaolin Princes, 1 Evil Dude
Plot: Funny Kung Fu flick about kung fu, beating the bad guy, and 3 holy fools who aren't allowed to leave their house. Much hilarity ensues, with added blood and gore for flavor. This is a very fun kung fu movie to watch, of the cheesy 70s variety. It includes mythical martial arts sword styles too.
The 3 holy fools are classic slapstick--like 3 stooges as kick butt martial artists. Their student proves his worth by surviving them and beating up the bad guys in spectacular style. A short side plot involves a possessing spirit being exorcised. Watching it you get an idea where some of the anime stereotypes came from.
Viewing Advice: Be prepared for funny cheese, nonsense cut scenes, and wire fu. Do not expect mouths to move in time with words. Look out for the funky special effects and weird swords with special powers.
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