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Lord High Rikonian (10/14/2009 12:00:00 AM
Rating: 4.00 shots
Starring: Jim Belushi, the guy from that show about the magic newspaper, and a hot chick
Plot: OK, I missed the first 15 minutes, but where I came in this up and coming hit man (the newspaper guy) wants to join the ranks of this "Family" but the Don wants him to learn the ropes from this master hit man (Belushi). The master hit man turns out to be a nut who comes off as part Yoda, part old guy from Karate Kid (Arnold from Happy Days), and all Jim Belushi. The wacky stunts he has his poor apprentice doing to learn the secrets of killing for money are hilariously ridiculous.
Viewing Advice: Watch this film.
Lord High Rikonian (10/17/2009 5:58:31 PM
Rating: 3.70 old creepy Nazi bastards
Starring: Some Dude, That Guy Who's Playing Magneto, "Mental" Geller From Friends
Plot: Based on the Stephen King story of the same name, a spoiled brat yuppie bastard high school kid finds a Nazi in his neighborhood and blackmails him into telling about the whole Nazi experience. It's a bit formulaic and predictable at points, but for the most part, it's a highly original and unsettling film.
Also, the film is actually based on the story Stephen King wrote. Which is very surprising given King's track record of movie "adaptations" at the time this movie was made.
Viewing Advice: If you're looking for a scary and creepy flick in the psychodrama dept. rent this. If you're expecting Stevo to spring a mutant telekinetic or devil car or something on you, then maybe you should go with another of his flicks.
Lord High Rikonian (10/17/2009 5:56:06 PM
Rating: 5.00 boomsticks
Starring: Bruce Campbell, some English people, and quite a few zombies
Plot: This movie has it all! Well, OK, maybe not everything, but close. It has time travel, zombies, wit, one of Bruce Campbell's better performances, and lots of chainsaw-slicing and shotgun-blasting of evil dead guys.
Ash Williams (portrayed by Bruce Campbell despite being a chick in the Mass Effect video game) who has already had his girlfriend get possessed and try to kill him and had to cut off his own hand, gets time warped back to medieval England where he has to get the Necronomicon back to return to his own time. He screws up, an army of darkness (hence the title) arises, and one of the coolest battle scenes I have ever seen transpires. This movie rocks.
Viewing Advice: I would recommend watching it from a videotape so you can go back and rewatch stuff, but however you do it, SEE this movie!
Lord High Rikonian (10/18/2009 4:22:26 PM
Rating: 3.80 tax returns (bazinga!)
Genre: Comic Book/Horror
Starring: Wesley Snipes, Kris Kristopherson, Norman "hey, I was in Boondock Saints!" Reedus, Ron "I spent several years in beast makeup on TV but I look freakier without it on!" Perlman, and weapons. Lots and lots of bladed weapons.
Plot: Blade finds out that Whistler, his old mentor is being kept alive by vampires, so he rescues him, along with his new mechanic sidekick (Reedus). But there's more than a simple rescue mission afoot here. A new strain of evil mutant vampire has arisen, and it feeds on humans AND vampires! Blade ends up leading a squad of vampire hunter-hunting vampires in a desperate mission to kill off these new ubervamps before they spread too far to be contained.
Viewing Advice: Watch this movie, preferably with the brightness turned up a little, because a lot of this movie takes place in dark blue-lit sets. Then watch it with the commentary!
GENERAL ADVICE: Pay your taxes.
Lord High Rikonian (10/17/2009 5:52:38 PM
Rating: 0.50 maps kicked into the lake
Genre: Slickly marketed disappointing shit
Starring: Three of the dumbest, most annoying people I've ever seen
Plot: What plot? Three college kids decide to make a movie, go into the woods, see some rocks, get lost, argue about getting lost, then get killed. But they don't SHOW them getting killed. No. The movie ends prematurely when they drop their cameras. When I saw this flick, everyone in the theater was LAUGHING. It's a better comedy than horror movie. I know the whole idea was to make a movie for a low budget that says "Ooh! Look! Scary!" while at the same time not costing a lot. But this film just kept saying "Oooh! Look! This doesn't cost a lot!" while at the same time not being very scary. Scariest part of the whole flick was that extreme close up of that chick's nostrils.
What I am trying to say here is... this film sucks ass! OK, it's not as stupid as Nowhere, but it is close. I am greatly saddened by this film because it is yet one more reminder that Mystery Science Theater 3000 is dead. Which is unfortunate, becuae that is the perfect venue for this movie.
Viewing Advice: The Blair Witch Project has got to be the lamest project I have ever seen. I would recommend seeing one of many other fine projects which you will enjoy a great deal more. Recommended projects include: Project X, The Manhattan Project, Colossus: The Forbin Project, or just buy the newest CD from The Alan Parsons Project.
And if you're looking for horror, see the Haunting instead. It may not be scary either, but at least you get effects, and Catherine Zeta Jones.
Lord High Rikonian (10/17/2009 5:51:43 PM
Rating: 4.90 gay Green Goblins
Genre: Zany Crime Movie
Starring: Sean Patrick Flannery, Norman Reedus, the Green Goblin, a somewhat goofy Italian guy, the Scottish guy from Head of the Class
Plot: The Russian Mafia is horning in on an Irish neighborhood, and two Irish brothers have a run in with them that almost gets them killed. The two brothers take the fact that they managed to come out on top in that encounter as a sign that they are vessels for the vengeance of God and become vigilantes. Their friend the goofy Italian Mafia guy joins them on their crusade to stamp out crime and zany highjinks follow.
Viewing Advice: You MUST rent or buy this movie. I recommend buying it because you'll want to watch it again. Be sure to get the DVD, because the deleted scenes and gag reel are not to be missed. Especially the hilarious deleted scene where the brothers McManus get a call from their somewhat twisted mother.
My only complaint is the commentary. It was just a technical filmmaking commentary (yawn!). I would give this a 5.0 and list it in the commentary recommendations section if they would have done a commentary with Flannery, Reedus and Dafoe. Oh well, they're making a Boondock 2, so maybe they'll make such a kickarse commentary for that DVD release.
GENERAL ADVICE: I don't care if you are a big bad Russian Mafia enforcer guy, don't start shit at an Irish bar on St. Patrick's Day.
Lord High Rikonian (10/17/2009 5:48:35 PM
Rating: 0.80 has-been child actors
Genre: Shitty horror movie
Starring: That Kid From T2, Some Dork With Bad Hair, some Other Dork WIth Bad Hair, Frank Langella
Plot: Hey, remember Edward Furlong? The kid from T2? Well, after T2, his career seemed pretty hot. The country had "Furlong Fever." It seemed like he weas destined for stardom. So what happened to little Eddie Farthing? Well, he starred in this piece of shit. That's what happened. Yes, poor little Eddie Cubit couldn't get work as Kato Kaelin's sidekick after this dreck. You suck, Eddie.
Anyway, the plot is, Eddie Fathom is this horror film buff who orders a CD ROM game called Brainscan, that is supposed to be the ultimate horror game. The only problem is it makes him kill people. Oh yeah, and this evil imp guy comes out of the CD to harass him.
This movie has the most fucking unbelievably lame writing. Like when the principal shuts down the horror film club (because he saw them watching a horror movie) his lecture sounds like a bad parody of a 50's filmstrip "So, you like to watch horror movies? I suppose you also like to smoke marajuana cigarettes to relax or watch pornographic sex movies and get an erection and rape some woman" I kid you not, he actually said this. Even the biggest dillhole dumbass dipshit weinie of an authority figure would never be able to let out this sentence with a straight face. You suck, Principal Dude.
Frank Langella played the detective who was looking for the murderer. Too bad he was acting more like the dean from a college frat movie than a cop. You suck, Frank.
Oh yeah, I would be remiss if I did not mention Trickster. No, not the Mark Hammill-portrayed Flash villain (we should be so lucky). This Trickster is that demomic imp guy, who I guess was supposed to be scaring us all when he mutilated himself and pranced around Eddie Kilogram's room, but to be honest, Drop Dead Fred was much scarier than this dumb fuck. Hell, Right Said Fred is scarier than he is! In fact, they asked Right Said Fred to play the Trickster, and he said "I'm too sexy for this role... too sexy for this role... the screenwriter is an asshooo-ole!" Drop Dead Fred had pretty much the same response, which prompted Right Said Fred to sue Rik Mayal, just before Vyvyan and Mike snuck up behind him and shoved some dynamite down his shorts. Ah, those wacky Brits! Oh yeah, and you suck, Dorky Red-Haired Imp Dude.
Viewing Advice: Don't watch this. For that matter, I seem to recall Frank Langella was also in Masters of the Universe (another film not to watch) and Captain America (yet another film not to watch). So if Frank Langella is in a movie, you should probably put it down and pick up that nice Yahoo Serious movie instead. It'll be less annoying.
Lord High Rikonian (10/17/2009 5:46:09 PM
Rating: 0.80 creepy European SNL hosts
Genre: Shitty Sci-Fi Movie
Starring: That creepy European guy who hosts SNL all the time, a couple chicks, some dudes
Plot: Chris Walken and this chick who smokes too much invent a device that lets you interface with the brain. Some Evil Corporate Types kill the smoking chick and steal the project. Walken then steals the project back, thanks to this facilities laughably inept security. I mean, when Walken is breaking into their main fucking files and the main security guys tells the keyboard jockey to "just see how far he can get" I laughed my ass off. If Moose and Squirrel ever find Boris and Natasha too difficult to deal with, they can go to this place. Anyway, I was really disappointed, because usually Walken's work is pretty good. I mean, I liked those two Prophecy movies, and I'm not really into the whole angel shtick. Chris, we expected better of you. Oh well, this was way back in the 70s or early 80s, so I guess the Statute of Limitations has passed. Still, this movie sucks!
Viewing Advice: Don't watch this. In fact, what with this film sucking, and Brainscan sucking, just don't rent any movie with the word "brain" in the title. Ah well, at least Langella's not in it.
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