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Realm of Rikonia
Rikonian Revuze
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Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:52:38 PM)
Rating: 1.00 maps kicked into the lake
Genre: Slickly marketed disappointing shit
Starring: Three of the dumbest, most annoying people I've ever seen
Plot: What plot? Three college kids decide to make a movie, go into the woods, see some rocks, get lost, argue about getting lost, then get killed. But they don't SHOW them getting killed. No. The movie ends prematurely when they drop their cameras. When I saw this flick, everyone in the theater was LAUGHING. It's a better comedy than horror movie. I know the whole idea was to make a movie for a low budget that says "Ooh! Look! Scary!" while at the same time not costing a lot. But this film just kept saying "Oooh! Look! This doesn't cost a lot!" while at the same time not being very scary. Scariest part of the whole flick was that extreme close up of that chick's nostrils.
What I am trying to say here is... this film sucks ass! OK, it's not as stupid as Nowhere, but it is close. I am greatly saddened by this film because it is yet one more reminder that Mystery Science Theater 3000 is dead. Which is unfortunate, becuae that is the perfect venue for this movie.
VIEWING ADVICE:
Viewing Advice: The Blair Witch Project has got to be the lamest project I have ever seen. I would recommend seeing one of many other fine projects which you will enjoy a great deal more. Recommended projects include: Project X, The Manhattan Project, Colossus: The Forbin Project, or just buy the newest CD from The Alan Parsons Project.
And if you're looking for horror, see the Haunting instead. It may not be scary either, but at least you get effects, and Catherine Zeta Jones.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:48:35 PM)
Rating: 1.00 has-been child actors
Genre: Shitty horror movie
Starring: That Kid From T2, Some Dork With Bad Hair, some Other Dork WIth Bad Hair, Frank Langella
Plot: Hey, remember Edward Furlong? The kid from T2? Well, after T2, his career seemed pretty hot. The country had "Furlong Fever." It seemed like he weas destined for stardom. So what happened to little Eddie Farthing? Well, he starred in this piece of shit. That's what happened. Yes, poor little Eddie Cubit couldn't get work as Kato Kaelin's sidekick after this dreck. You suck, Eddie.
Anyway, the plot is, Eddie Fathom is this horror film buff who orders a CD ROM game called Brainscan, that is supposed to be the ultimate horror game. The only problem is it makes him kill people. Oh yeah, and this evil imp guy comes out of the CD to harass him.
This movie has the most fucking unbelievably lame writing. Like when the principal shuts down the horror film club (because he saw them watching a horror movie) his lecture sounds like a bad parody of a 50's filmstrip "So, you like to watch horror movies? I suppose you also like to smoke marajuana cigarettes to relax or watch pornographic sex movies and get an erection and rape some woman" I kid you not, he actually said this. Even the biggest dillhole dumbass dipshit weinie of an authority figure would never be able to let out this sentence with a straight face. You suck, Principal Dude.
Frank Langella played the detective who was looking for the murderer. Too bad he was acting more like the dean from a college frat movie than a cop. You suck, Frank.
Oh yeah, I would be remiss if I did not mention Trickster. No, not the Mark Hammill-portrayed Flash villain (we should be so lucky). This Trickster is that demomic imp guy, who I guess was supposed to be scaring us all when he mutilated himself and pranced around Eddie Kilogram's room, but to be honest, Drop Dead Fred was much scarier than this dumb fuck. Hell, Right Said Fred is scarier than he is! In fact, they asked Right Said Fred to play the Trickster, and he said "I'm too sexy for this role... too sexy for this role... the screenwriter is an asshooo-ole!" Drop Dead Fred had pretty much the same response, which prompted Right Said Fred to sue Rik Mayal, just before Vyvyan and Mike snuck up behind him and shoved some dynamite down his shorts. Ah, those wacky Brits! Oh yeah, and you suck, Dorky Red-Haired Imp Dude.
Viewing Advice: Don't watch this. For that matter, I seem to recall Frank Langella was also in Masters of the Universe (another film not to watch) and Captain America (yet another film not to watch). So if Frank Langella is in a movie, you should probably put it down and pick up that nice Yahoo Serious movie instead. It'll be less annoying.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:46:09 PM)
Rating: 1.00 creepy European SNL hosts
Genre: Shitty Sci-Fi Movie
Starring: That creepy European guy who hosts SNL all the time, a couple chicks, some dudes
Plot: Chris Walken and this chick who smokes too much invent a device that lets you interface with the brain. Some Evil Corporate Types kill the smoking chick and steal the project. Walken then steals the project back, thanks to this facilities laughably inept security. I mean, when Walken is breaking into their main fucking files and the main security guys tells the keyboard jockey to "just see how far he can get" I laughed my ass off. If Moose and Squirrel ever find Boris and Natasha too difficult to deal with, they can go to this place. Anyway, I was really disappointed, because usually Walken's work is pretty good. I mean, I liked those two Prophecy movies, and I'm not really into the whole angel shtick. Chris, we expected better of you. Oh well, this was way back in the 70s or early 80s, so I guess the Statute of Limitations has passed. Still, this movie sucks!
Viewing Advice: Don't watch this. In fact, what with this film sucking, and Brainscan sucking, just don't rent any movie with the word "brain" in the title. Ah well, at least Langella's not in it.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:44:10 PM)
Rating: 1.00 dollar store special effects
Genre: Shitty horror flick
Starring: Yeah right. Like anyone actually "stars" in shit like this!
Plot: Morons buy a haunted house or something. Guy with a metal hand shows up to inspect the place. Says some cryptic crap and then leaves in a huff
Then the morons put on a moron show. You know every cheap lame "house of horrors" you've ever been too? You remember how you laughed at how fake and stupid they were? Well this is lamer than that. In fact, there is only one horror show I can think of lamer than their crappy house of horrors. And that's this crappy movie that was polluting my VCR with its sheer crapness.
Viewing Advice: Save your dollar. Or give it to the guy from King Missile, and he'll be your friend forever.
Now isn't that a better use of a dollar than renting this piece of shit movie?
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:18:46 PM)
Rating: 0.00 head-loppings
Genre: Fantasy
Starring: Christopher Lambert, Sean Connery, Michael Ironside
Plot: I actually fucking rented this fucking movie, and watched it the whole fucking way through, and I can honestly and certainly state that it fucking sucks, so I hereby reduce it's rating to 0.0 fucking head loppings.
Viewing Advice: Don't fucking watch this fucking film.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:14:02 PM)
Rating: 0.00 horrible lifepath errors of Hugh Grant
Genre: Shitty British Horror flick
Starring: Hugh Grant, Amanda Donahoe, a bunch of people who could have gotten work in the 1940s acting in German proganda films about why they need to bomb England.
Plot: Plot?! Oh man, I gotta rename this field! OK, I may have missed some of the subtle nuances, as I rented this movie and fast forwarded through most of the shitty parts (so it took me 10 minutes to watch this). But basically Hugh Grant played this archaeologist or something and he finds a skull that he thinks is a dinosaur skull, but is really a "wyrm" skull. Yes, this "wyrm" is some long dead evil thing that half of the people in this movie worship (sort of like the plot). Anyway, Amanda Donahoe is this slutty evil chick who wants the skull so she can bring back the wyrm and it can kill everyone or something. I guess that whole glass ceiling thing doesn't apply to evil cultists.
Since I fast forwarded through a lot of it, I can't tell you too much, but the evil chick did some sort of evil magic thing to make Hugh Grant give her the skull. Or maybe it was the other guy. They had this other guy who looked a bit like Hugh Grant. And I didn't even notice they were two different people until they were in the same shot. But anyway, she kidnapped this chick who I think was someone's girlfriend, tied her up over the pit the white worm is buried in, and tried to sacrifice her. She was twarted and there was a cave in. And the guy who looks kind of like Hugh Grant was poisoned and it made him evil and he was supposed to take an antidote but he didn't. Or something like that.
My question is, what the fuck is up with Hugh Grant?! I mean, a few years back, Hugh, who was at the time married to Elizabeth Hurley, one of the hottest babes on the planet, and he cheats with a butt-ugly prostitute! Rule #1 of adultery: Never cheat with someone less attractive than your wife! Hugh needs to learn that. So does Bill Clinton for that matter. I mean, Hillary may not be in the Swedish Bikini team, but she's a hell of a lot more attractive than Paula Jones, or than Monica was when he was boffing her. Hell, the way Bill was going, I was half surprised he wasn't doing Linda Tripp! Oh yeah, I was talking about Hugh Grant. Anyway, first I hear about that whole ugly hooker thing, then I heard that he and Elizabeth are breaking up. And now I see this horrible movie and it makes sense. Hugh Grant has no taste or judgement whatsoever. He must have some form of brain damage, perhaps as a result of getting hit on the head or actually eating British food. In fact, I hear he's costarring in Pauly Shore's next movie.
Viewing Advice: If you absolutely positively have to watch this movie, then watch for the ska band singing the song about the white worm legend. It's actually kind of funny and the sole reason this is a 0.2 and not a 0.0.
Reviewed By: LJ ( 10/14/2009 12:00:00 AM)
Rating: 0.00 Boom! Headshot!
Genre: Zombie Movie
Starring: John Lequizamo, Dennis Hopper
Plot: George A. Romero tries to make a movie after a period of inaction, and wastes the time and money of the audience. The main character has no back story and doesn't want to hear about any of the other character's histories. For some reason people are following a worthless Dennis Hopper, and still spending cash money way into the zombie apocalypse. The smartest characters are a mentally handicapped sidekick, and John Lequizamo. Lot's of jump cuts where characters walk into an empty room, and the next shot has them surrounded by zombies. It ends with George trying to make us sympathize with walking corpses that eat anyone and everyone they see. Oh yeah, they developed skills to use guns and other complicated tools.
Viewing Advice: Run to the hills, run for your liiiiiife.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/14/2009 12:00:00 AM)
Rating: 0.00 commie zombies
Genre: Zombienist propoganda piece
Starring: Johnny Legs and the Mentalist
Plot: Not much to add to LJ's review, except that I cannot believe he didn't mention how bad a commie propoganda piece this movie is. It's like Hero with zombies.
Still, had some cool moments, so I gave it a charitable 0.25 rating.
Viewing Advice: Don't watch it, it's commie propoganda. Unless you are a commie, in which case, you should probably be waiting in line for bread or something?
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