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Realm of Rikonia
Rikonian Revuze
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Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:14:02 PM)
Rating: 0.00 horrible lifepath errors of Hugh Grant
Genre: Shitty British Horror flick
Starring: Hugh Grant, Amanda Donahoe, a bunch of people who could have gotten work in the 1940s acting in German proganda films about why they need to bomb England.
Plot: Plot?! Oh man, I gotta rename this field! OK, I may have missed some of the subtle nuances, as I rented this movie and fast forwarded through most of the shitty parts (so it took me 10 minutes to watch this). But basically Hugh Grant played this archaeologist or something and he finds a skull that he thinks is a dinosaur skull, but is really a "wyrm" skull. Yes, this "wyrm" is some long dead evil thing that half of the people in this movie worship (sort of like the plot). Anyway, Amanda Donahoe is this slutty evil chick who wants the skull so she can bring back the wyrm and it can kill everyone or something. I guess that whole glass ceiling thing doesn't apply to evil cultists.
Since I fast forwarded through a lot of it, I can't tell you too much, but the evil chick did some sort of evil magic thing to make Hugh Grant give her the skull. Or maybe it was the other guy. They had this other guy who looked a bit like Hugh Grant. And I didn't even notice they were two different people until they were in the same shot. But anyway, she kidnapped this chick who I think was someone's girlfriend, tied her up over the pit the white worm is buried in, and tried to sacrifice her. She was twarted and there was a cave in. And the guy who looks kind of like Hugh Grant was poisoned and it made him evil and he was supposed to take an antidote but he didn't. Or something like that.
My question is, what the fuck is up with Hugh Grant?! I mean, a few years back, Hugh, who was at the time married to Elizabeth Hurley, one of the hottest babes on the planet, and he cheats with a butt-ugly prostitute! Rule #1 of adultery: Never cheat with someone less attractive than your wife! Hugh needs to learn that. So does Bill Clinton for that matter. I mean, Hillary may not be in the Swedish Bikini team, but she's a hell of a lot more attractive than Paula Jones, or than Monica was when he was boffing her. Hell, the way Bill was going, I was half surprised he wasn't doing Linda Tripp! Oh yeah, I was talking about Hugh Grant. Anyway, first I hear about that whole ugly hooker thing, then I heard that he and Elizabeth are breaking up. And now I see this horrible movie and it makes sense. Hugh Grant has no taste or judgement whatsoever. He must have some form of brain damage, perhaps as a result of getting hit on the head or actually eating British food. In fact, I hear he's costarring in Pauly Shore's next movie.
Viewing Advice: If you absolutely positively have to watch this movie, then watch for the ska band singing the song about the white worm legend. It's actually kind of funny and the sole reason this is a 0.2 and not a 0.0.
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