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Realm of Rikonia
Rikonian Revuze (Movies)

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The Returner
Reviewed By: Zerebus (10/17/2009 7:48:36 PM)
Rating: 3.00 Engrish Muffins
Genre: Science Fiction
Starring: Takeshi Kaneshiro, Anne Suzuki
Plot: The Returner is a Japanese science fiction movie that unabashedly rips off numerous Hollywood films. With elements from The Terminator, Transformers, The Matrix, and Close Encounters of the Third Kind mashed up against Japanese cultural stereotypes and she's-too-young-for-this-to-be-right male-female relationships, the Returner is a surprisingly entertaining movie about a time traveling resistance member who must recruit a Japanese Keanu Reeves to stop a war with the not-Decepticons. Look out for hilarious Engrish sequences, lots of wire fu, and a heavy dose of forced disbelief suspension.

I have yet to finish watching this movie. I have tried five times to finish watching this movie. I just can't do it. You see, I have this condition wherein I have to breathe in order to survive. Allow me to explain the problem: About half way through the movie, there is a flash-back-forward sequence (how does one categorize a flash back of the future?) to a secret rebel stronghold filled with mostly American actors. These people clearly know how to speak English. Unfortunately, they are being paid to speak lines that don't quite match up with proper English grammar. Hearing "Our heaviest flyboy is no good!" being used to describe a rifle's ineffectiveness against the not-Decepticons is apparently more than I can take. Simply put, this sequence has repeatedly left me in a state of catatonic laughter so severe that I have to stop the movie. Attempts to restart the movie or jumping ahead to anything short of the credits will resume my affliction.

Ah well. This is also why I'll never be able to finish the last (extra!) episode of Excel Saga, either. Man. Needing to breathe sucks.

Overall, the Returner is a fun movie. I give it two and a half Engrish Muffins out of five, because that's about how far into the film I ever seem to get.

Viewing Advice: Viewers are advised not to be drinking or eating during the Air Force mountain base attack sequence. You engage in such activities at the peril of your surroundings.
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