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Realm of Rikonia
Rikonian Revuze
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Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/14/2009 12:00:00 AM)
Rating: 2.00 thought matrixes (1.99 more than the writers have)
Genre: Science Fiction
Starring: Jean Claude Van Damme, that hamburger helper looking dude from Spawn, some chick reporter who, while cute, was not nearly as cute as the one from the last movie, some blue-haired freak, some evil government guys and corrupt science guys, and Whoopie Goldberg
Plot: The Unisol project is still on, and Jean Claude Van Damme has returned! No, wait, he just kinda stayed around. You gotta leave to return.
OK, then, the other Unisols return! No, wait, they all died, and these are all new Unisols. Um, well someone has returned, and there are lots of new Unisols, the squad leader of whom is some big bald wrestler dude named Whoopie Goldberg. The project gets cancelled, and Seth (the AI in charge of it) panics and starts killing people, trying to keep from being deactivated. Of course, the guys who designed teh system gave Seth complete control over the Unisols, so they all serve him. It's kinda like the Borg except these guys have less implants and are all wrestlers instead of pasty goth punks with a techno fetish. Anyway, Jean Claude Van Damme hooks up with yet another cute chick reporter to try to stop them. Yeah, Jean Claude, maybe if you team up with Cynthia Rothrock or Linda Hamilton next time, you'll have better luck.
But Van Damme had no time to reflect on thoughts such as that, because Seth downloads his brain into Michael Jai White (the dude from Spawn, only he's not all burned up and demon-possessed now), and Seth's new body is the ultimate Unisol.
Viewing Advice: Did you see Universal Soldier? If you haven't and are at all worried about not getting the plot of #2, then go to the video store, ask for a copy of Universal Soldier, and then proceed to beat yourself to death with it, right there in the cashier's line. Because if you cannot follow this plot, then socially and Darwinically speaking, we do not need you.
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