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Realm of Rikonia
Rikonian Revuze
(Movies)
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Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 6/22/2013 7:47:20 PM)
Rating: 4.00 fishing trawlers
Genre: Superhero epic
Starring: Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Michael Shannon, Jack Knife, Morpheus, Not-Emil Hamilton, Not Jimmy Olsen, Hal Jordan's voice
Plot: When I was a kid, there was a movie called Superman, and it had to audacity to use the tagline "you will believe a man can fly". Well, I saw that movie in the 80's and I can tell you, no you freaking won't.
But after seeing Man of Steel, I am pleased to say that this promise has finally been delivered upon, and Snyder and Nolan have gone one better. Not only will you believe a man can fly, you will believe a man can make a decent Superman movie. Well, two men. And lots of actors and effects people.
Cavill and Adams excel as Clark and Lois, living up to a strong legacy of performances that make those characters come alive even when the movies that surround them fall flat. Snyder and Nolan had the opposite problem: They were tasked to do that which nobody has ever done well: Make a Superman movie. And they succeeded. This isn't just a good Superman movie, it's a good movie in Zod, er in general. The movie spends just as much time showing Clark's attempt to find his place in the world as it shows him punching the faces of dudes who are not from this world. There are some strong character studies of Jor-El and Zod as well, and we get to see glimpses of the good man that Zod once was, even as we watch the shattered ruthless monster that he has become. The fighting is epic, truly epic. Picture the style of a Snyder film, the plot and characterization of a Nolan film, and the explosivo factor of a Bay film and you've got a good idea of what this movie is. In prior Superman movies, the fights looked like fights that mortals could have, and Superman's sheer power is only conveyed by lifting things and going really fast. But the fights in Man of Steel truly convey the power of the characters. These are basicalyl gods waging war against each other, and never before has it been done so convincingly. I hate to speak against Avengers, but the fights in Metropolis are what the Chitari invasion should have been. And the visual effects were awesome! CGI that actually looks like real stuff. Well, except for that CGI Zod, that was a bit too uncanny valley if you ask... what's that? That's not CGI, that's a real actor? I retract my last statement then.
I wonder where the franchise can go from here. This is as epic as a thrid movie should be and this is right out the gate. I think to even have a chance of living up to this legacy in MoS 2, they'll need to get Statham to play Lex Luthor.
Also, as I was walking out, the musical fanfare blared loudly, giving me an extra bonus: I suddenly knew exactly what it feels like to be a Kryptonian who hasn't learned to control his super senses yet. Thanks movie speakers...
There was one controversial point at the end where and be careful about clicking this spoiler, because this is a super spoiler. Seriously, don't click it if you haven't seen the movie yet!
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OK, so some people have expressed disdain with Superman snapping Zod's neck. But he had no choice. He tried to refrain from killing Zod, but it was Zod or those people and Superman chose to protect the innocent. Which, if you think about it, still makes Cavill's Superman far more virtuous than Reeve's who straight up murderized a completely de-powered Zod in Superman 2 (after crushing his hand bones). Cavill's neck-snapping Superman is practically Ghandi.
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Viewing Advice: See it on the big screen, 3D if you're into that. But BRING SOME DAMN EAR PLUGS!!!
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 4:53:10 PM)
Rating: 5.00 magic razor hats
Genre: 1970's kung fu epic
Starring: A magic hat. Also, a bunch of Chinese guys from the 1970's
Plot: It's China in the distant past. A time before such innovations as the automobile, guns, and eyebrow trimmers.
In this dark time, there is some serious strife in China, and a rebel hero known as the One Armed Boxer is sought by the corrupt new ruler of China. He is called the One Armed Boxer because he fights without weapons and because he only has one arm, thus giving new meaning to "unarmed combat". The One Armed Boxer is an amazing warrior, who is able to defy gravity and possesses incredible skill. Amazingly enough, he is also capable of subtle acts of shapeshifting, like how in some scenes he has a gut and in other scenes he does not, and in some scenes, a triangular bulge can be seen expanding from his back briefly. It looks almost like the missing arm was being clumsily hidden under the shirt and they didn't bother to do retakes, but several experts in the mystical Chinese fighting arts assure me that this sort of torso shapeshifting is the result of advanced breath techniques which channel the chi.
At any rate, the evil ruler of China wants the Notorious OAB dead. So he picks the only suitable assassin to send after a One Armed Boxer: a blind guy with a magic razor hat. The evil blind guy also possesses giant bushy eyebrows, which leads me to wonder if he was in fact truly blind, or if he could someday see again if he could trim those suckers. Sadly, since the eyebrow trimmer was apparently not invented yet, we will never know the answer to this question. The blind man may have been blind, and lacking in basic eyebrow maintenence, but he more than made up for it with his hat, the Flying Guillotine, which would fly through the air and lop people's heads off.
This movie has a one-armed guy fighting a blind guy with a magic hat. That alone is worth the rental, but there's more. The one-armed guy is played by Jimmy Wang Yu, who, in addition to having the perfect Chinese porn name, is also a megastar for playing one-armed guys despite the obvious handicap of actually having two arms. And the Flying Guillotine is also a major star of 1970's Hong Kong cinema. Not the old blind guy. The hat is a major star. So, when you break it down, this movie is, in addition to it's own merits, basically the Freddy Vs. Jason of 1970's Kung Fu.
But wait, there's more! You also get the tournament! An amazing martial arts spectacle where people from different lands fight using cheesy special moves. They even have an Indian guy with stretchy limbs (sound familiar, Guile fans?) and a guy named Win Without A Knife who has a very ironic way to win his fights.
Of course, no 1970's kung fu flick would be complete without some stupid writing. Like when a one armed bum is making trouble in a restaurant and the blind guy killed him, thinking he's that other one-armed guy. When confronted with his mistake, the Stevie Wonder of archvillains exclaims "I do not care! I will kill every one-armed kung fu man I come across until I kill the One Armed Boxer!" By the way, there are about three or four one armed guys in this flick.
Viewing Advice: To properly enjoy this movie you must be in the right mindset, which I will refer to as the "guy mindset". This mindset is one whereupon the subject enjoys seeing kung fu fighting, bad acting and ludicrous special effects. This is not the movie to watch if you want to see a serious treatise on ancient Chinese historical strife or gain any insight into the mystical or spiritual tenets of kung fu. But if you want to see kung fu fighting, a magic decapitating flying hat, and a cripple fight, then this is the flick for you.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 4:54:58 PM)
Rating: 4.00 dead flies
Genre: Psychological thriller/horror
Starring: Jeff Goldblum, Kathy Baker, a bunch of British people, some flies, and a dog
Plot: Jeff Goldblum is a creepy scary looking psycho who just might be the devil! Oh yeah, and he made this film where he plays a killer named Mr. Frost.
Basically, Mr. Frost killed a bunch of people, and plays these Hannibal Lechter type mind games with the chick who'se trying to rehabilitate him, because his big devil plan involves her killing him. Apparently the Four Horsemen are on strike or something.
Viewing Advice: Don't watch this film if you are easily weirded out. It's a good film if you're into those freaky psychological thrillers, and it is scary, but if you are expecting the Exorcist, forget it.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 6/3/2013 12:04:51 AM)
Rating: 5.00 teleportation helmets
Genre: Magical Mystery Tour
Starring: Zombieland, the Tooth Fairy, Alfred, Lucius Fox, the Hulk, Green Goblin's kid brother
Plot: Now You See Me has a great cast, and it knows how to play to their strengths. Jessie Eisenberg is a fast talking douche, Isla Fischer is a more than capable verbal foil for him, Mark Ruffalo gets mad, Woody Harrelson just Woody Harrelsons it up. Hell, they even have Morgan Freeman in a role where delivering exposition in character makes sense and fits the film's plot and pace perfectly. And Leterrier's European-inspired pacing also suits the film well.
From the first introduction of the Four Horsemen, to their first crime (the teleporting bank robbery you all saw on the trailer), to the manhunt, betrayals, mishaps, chases, and fights, this movie excels. A perfect mixture of humor, suspense, and puzzles for the viewer to try to work out before the film reveals them (most notably, who should you be rooting for? is there a fifth Horseman? what is the Four Horsemen's endgame? will it work? and is their magic actually real?) await you if you choose this movie.
You'll guess some of this, and guess correctly. But I promise you that you'll be wrong about at least some of it. Now You See Me has a masterfully crafted plot that is delightfully twisted. And the big shocker at the end where
may well leave you congratulating the movie on foiling your attempts to predict it.
Viewing Advice: Don't look too closely. Not because the closer you look, the less you will actually see, but rather because if you sit in those close seats, you'll get real bad neck strain from looking up the whole time.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 2/19/2013 2:33:02 PM)
Rating: 4.00 bald dudes
Genre: Crime revenge thriller
Starring: The Stahamator, Thing Mackie, J-Lo, not Woody Harrelson in a cowboy hat
Plot: Jason Statham is subject to a very particular typecast. Not just a slick badass criminal, but a slick badass criminal who lives by a code and has to go against his conspirators after they betray him. So you can be forgiven for thinking of this movie as a Marvel Ultimate version of Transporter. But really this story predates those movies, since it's based on a Richard Stark novel, and unlike Payback which changed the character name, Parker carries this banner proudly.
The story starts with a botched (thanks to the connected dumbass in the crew) but recovered heist, but of course things don't stay simple. After the heist, Michael Chiklis tries to change the deal (dude, seriously, that's Statham in the back of the car. You're just gonna get your ass killed!), Parker is seemingly killed, but the aforementioned connected dumbass can't follow through so Parker lives, recovers, and seeks out his elaborate revenge.
The movie is fun, violent, and clever. Although Statham's Texan alter ego in the second act made me wonder if they got Woody Harrelson to double for him.
Viewing Advice: If you like Jason Statham movies, you'll like this movie. This is a prime example of a Statham film. If you like to see Michael Chiklis lose his shit, you'll like this movie.
GENERAL ADVICE: If you're committing a crime and working with a bald British dude, DON'T BETRAY HIM! It won't end well for you. I don't care if the crime is sneaking into a theater, the betrayal is simply not opening the fire escape to let him in, and the bald guy is Karl Pilkington, you will be brutally murdered by a shiny headed limey, and people will be cheering it.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:04:31 PM)
Rating: 5.00 mother (shut your mouth!)
Genre: Biographical comedy drama
Starring: Noah Wyle, Anthony Michael Hall (The Hall who didn't do Weekend Update)
Plot: I was going to say "boards".
Anyway...
Steve Jobs (Wyle) is the up and coming genius behind Apple. Bill Gates (Hall) is the up and coming genius behind Microsoft. Watch their epic rivalry.
It would be easy for the makers of this film to cast Gates as an evil genius, a Lex Luthor or Darth Vader, but for much of the film, he's played out almost as a wide eyed innocent (well OK, a wide eyed innocent who drives way the hell too fast and goes to strip clubs, but still...). In fact, Hall's Gates reminded me an awful lot of Luke Skywalker from the first two movies in the original trilogy (I half expected Jobs and Gates to cut each other's hands off with light swords). Jobs on the other hand, comes off not like Vader, but like Grand Admiral Thrawn (complete with an obsession for art). Star Wars comparisons aside, this is a great movie. The scene with Gates and his friend joyridng the bulldozer rocked. What really surprised me was the fact that, even though Gates is almost universally hated, and Jobs is seen by many computer geeks as the new Messiah (maybe it's the haircut), we see a movie where Gates is seen as the good guy and Jobs is seen as the bad guy for much of the running time (though there are moments where Jobs comes through as likeable and noble and Gates has a couple really nasty moments). All in all, this is not a movie just for computer people, but a movie about people, and the forces of fate, conflict, and yes, good and evil that shape all of our lives.
Viewing Advice: Original advice:
Definitely see this film. It'a TNT original, so if you don't have cable, get it (unless you are Amish or something)
Current advice: I think you'd have to rent it now. But you should do so, as this movie is very entertaining.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 9:57:44 PM)
Rating: 4.00 of Tim Curry's garter belts
Genre: Horror Comedy Musical
Starring: This Creepy English Guy in Makeup, MeatLoaf, Susan Sarandon, That Old Dude From Spin City, and a bunch of weird looking people.
Plot: OK, this is really screwed up here. Basically (and I am writing from memory here, as I haven't seen this for a year and am only writing it now because of overwhelming demand). But anyway, Brad and Janet, a young couple played by Barry Bostwick and Susan Sarandon have car trouble and have to go into this creepy old house for refuge. Now, when you see these kind of movies, there are always very obvious clues that this house is not a good place to be waiting out a storm. For example, in this movie, the door is answered by an undead-looking butler (Clue #1) and his Goth-fetish chick looking sidekick (Clue #2) who introduces them to the guy who owns the house, a transvestite (Clue #3) mad scientist (Clue #4) named Dr. Frank N. Furter (Clue #5, ok so maybe it's not all that scary, but still, how normal can a guy be if that's his name?) And speaking of Clue, you should probably watch that too. Tim Curry is great as the butler.
Well, Frank has lots of weirdos at his house. And at one point, Meat Loaf rides his motorcycle in, but his appearance is all too brief. But, while he's there, his singing is amazing. His part is the one that no one could sing. The guys told him to just mumble if he got stuck, but he sang the whole damn thing. I think he was the only guy to ever play that role who could do that. What can I say? The Loaf rules.
Dr. Furter's master plan, which he attended to in between musical numbers, was to create a man. Kind of like Frankenstein, but whereas Frankenstein created a freakish undead guy, Frank N Furter creates a blond guy in his underwear, who was most likely the inspiratipon for the He-Man cartoon.
Oddly enough, Susan Sarandon ends up having a sexual tension with Furter. And Brad gets jealous because "Dammit! Janet!" a guy doesn't want his wife to have an affair with a guy who looks like he just got back from the Judy Garland convention. But it all kind of works out in the end, paving the way for a sequel. Too bad the sequel sucks.
Viewing Advice: OK, if you're renting, you may wish to skip all that stuff like throwing toast and toilet paper at the screen and shooting water guns. You may, however, feel free to shout out "Buy an umbrella you cheap bitch!" when you see Janet walk through the rain, with little fear of property damage (unless your wife or girlfriend is there and is a feminist). And never ever watch that piece of shit sequel.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 9:50:31 PM)
Rating: 4.00 Isaac Hayes theme songs
Genre: Blaxploitation
Starring: Richard Roundtree
Plot: Shaft is the man, who something, something, and won't diss his brother man, or something, and he's one bad mother---, shut my mouth?! But I'm talking about Shaft! Yeah, well, you better dig it!
Anyway, this pimp's daughter was kidnapped. The pimp hires Shaft to get her back. Shaft gets a black revolutionary guy to help him, and they all go up against the Mafia.
Viewing Advice: I am not a fan of the 70's. I don't particularly like detective movies. So a detective movie set in the 70's isn't exactly my speed. Yet, I really liked this movie. Roundtree has this cool vibe, dude. So is this film going in the 4-5 Club? You damn right... Should you go rent it? You damn right...
Also, some personal advice. Never trust a guy named "Bumpy"
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