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Realm of Rikonia
Rikonian Revuze
(Movies)
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Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:07:47 PM)
Rating: 3.00 bullets
Genre: R-Rated Comic Book Adaptation
Starring: Dolph Lundgren, the dude from Iron Eagle, some Italian dudes, some Japanese dude, and a shitload of guns and bullets.
Plot: Frank Castle's family gets killed by the mob, Frank kills a bunch of Mob guys. Unfortunately, he doesn't have the cool skull T-shirt (how fucking hard would it have been to get him one, the guy from Soundgarden has one, so why didn't Punisher?!)
Viewing Advice: If you are not a purist fan of the comic, then watch it, it's a good action flick taken on its own merits. Just make sure you watch it when it's on TBS, because I hear if you watch the uncut version on pay cable or video you see Dolph's ass, and no one wants to see that.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/16/2009 3:43:40 PM)
Rating: 3.00 throwing stars
Genre: Ninja flick
Starring: Some Ninja Guy, a Bunch of 1970's Guys, Some Blonde Chick, The Ninja Guy's Kid
Plot: Evil Ninja guys kill the Ninja Dude's family, except for his mother and son. He takes them to America to keep them out of Ninja stuff. Sadly, an evil Ninja is operating in his city and he gets involved. Needless to say, our Ninja hero kills a lot of evil Ninja scum. Hey! They shoulda got this guy for those Revenge of the Nerds movies. "The jocks burned down the dorm! Oh look, someone stuck throwing stars in their eyes!" Or maybe those Revenge of the Pink Panther movies. Uh, then again, maybe not.
Viewing Advice: If you like Ninja flicks, I recommend this one. It's not that bad a flick. It does fall into that B movie 1970's style, but it's not nearly as bad as a lot of those flicks. And it's a shitload better than Ninja 3: the Domination!
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 6:25:17 PM)
Rating: 0.00 titanium fangs
Genre: Shitty horror/martial arts/ cyborg movie
Starring: An assortment of washed up American actors and washed up Japanese actors, all badly dubbed
Plot: Japanese kung fu drug dealers are using kung fu vampires to fight the American DEA (which surprisingly opts to use guns instead of kung fu). Apparently, they blow up one of our DEA agents and our government brings him back as a cyborg.
Viewing Advice: Hey, you know how old martial arts movies are kinda stupid, and the acting is bad, and everything is poorly dubbed and the moves look so fake? But they're fun to watch anyway? Well, forget that theory, because this movie just fucking sucks. Oh yeah, when you rent it, the box will probably have a cool picture of Robocop on the front cover. There's no Robocop, nor any cyborg looking anything like him. The "cyborg" in this piece of excrement is actually a bad actor in a thick mylar jacket with the hood up.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 9:57:44 PM)
Rating: 4.00 of Tim Curry's garter belts
Genre: Horror Comedy Musical
Starring: This Creepy English Guy in Makeup, MeatLoaf, Susan Sarandon, That Old Dude From Spin City, and a bunch of weird looking people.
Plot: OK, this is really screwed up here. Basically (and I am writing from memory here, as I haven't seen this for a year and am only writing it now because of overwhelming demand). But anyway, Brad and Janet, a young couple played by Barry Bostwick and Susan Sarandon have car trouble and have to go into this creepy old house for refuge. Now, when you see these kind of movies, there are always very obvious clues that this house is not a good place to be waiting out a storm. For example, in this movie, the door is answered by an undead-looking butler (Clue #1) and his Goth-fetish chick looking sidekick (Clue #2) who introduces them to the guy who owns the house, a transvestite (Clue #3) mad scientist (Clue #4) named Dr. Frank N. Furter (Clue #5, ok so maybe it's not all that scary, but still, how normal can a guy be if that's his name?) And speaking of Clue, you should probably watch that too. Tim Curry is great as the butler.
Well, Frank has lots of weirdos at his house. And at one point, Meat Loaf rides his motorcycle in, but his appearance is all too brief. But, while he's there, his singing is amazing. His part is the one that no one could sing. The guys told him to just mumble if he got stuck, but he sang the whole damn thing. I think he was the only guy to ever play that role who could do that. What can I say? The Loaf rules.
Dr. Furter's master plan, which he attended to in between musical numbers, was to create a man. Kind of like Frankenstein, but whereas Frankenstein created a freakish undead guy, Frank N Furter creates a blond guy in his underwear, who was most likely the inspiratipon for the He-Man cartoon.
Oddly enough, Susan Sarandon ends up having a sexual tension with Furter. And Brad gets jealous because "Dammit! Janet!" a guy doesn't want his wife to have an affair with a guy who looks like he just got back from the Judy Garland convention. But it all kind of works out in the end, paving the way for a sequel. Too bad the sequel sucks.
Viewing Advice: OK, if you're renting, you may wish to skip all that stuff like throwing toast and toilet paper at the screen and shooting water guns. You may, however, feel free to shout out "Buy an umbrella you cheap bitch!" when you see Janet walk through the rain, with little fear of property damage (unless your wife or girlfriend is there and is a feminist). And never ever watch that piece of shit sequel.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 9:50:31 PM)
Rating: 4.00 Isaac Hayes theme songs
Genre: Blaxploitation
Starring: Richard Roundtree
Plot: Shaft is the man, who something, something, and won't diss his brother man, or something, and he's one bad mother---, shut my mouth?! But I'm talking about Shaft! Yeah, well, you better dig it!
Anyway, this pimp's daughter was kidnapped. The pimp hires Shaft to get her back. Shaft gets a black revolutionary guy to help him, and they all go up against the Mafia.
Viewing Advice: I am not a fan of the 70's. I don't particularly like detective movies. So a detective movie set in the 70's isn't exactly my speed. Yet, I really liked this movie. Roundtree has this cool vibe, dude. So is this film going in the 4-5 Club? You damn right... Should you go rent it? You damn right...
Also, some personal advice. Never trust a guy named "Bumpy"
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 9:48:53 PM)
Rating: 0.00 shitty sequels
Genre: Crap sequel to a classic horror comedy musical
Starring: Oh crap, I don't even remember. I think that Sarandon and Bostwick were in it, but maybe they were smart enough to pass on this film role. Oh yeah, I think they had a creepy midget guy.
Plot: It's after the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Brad and Janet are having marital troubles. And some general guy is trying to kill Brad (or was that Janet?). To be honest, I tried to watch this, but after about 25 minutes, I switched over to some stupid beach movie on USA. And I was thankful!
Viewing Advice: Don't watch this. Try to catch a better film like the Silencers or Universal Soldier or Blair Witch instead.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 9:45:39 PM)
Rating: 3.00 damn space hippies
Genre: Direct to Video Sci Fi Thriller
Starring: Jack Scalia (Funny, I thought he was a Supreme Court Justice), some damn hippie space guy, and this cool dude named Carlos
Plot: Evil aliens steal a cow and kill a guy in the 60s. Years later, evil aliens with black eyes and funky sonic powers kill a senator and Jack Scalia (one of the 2 characters in this movie you can actually root for) is upset because he failed to stop them, then he ends up befriending one of the lamest aliens I've ever seen (though JarJar is much much lamer, but still, this guy sucks), and trying to save him from the evil alien leader (played by Carlos something or other) who for some reason looks just like Clark Kent. Come to think of it, he DOES have strange powers beyond those of mortal men, and he DOES wear glasses to conceal his identity. Anyway, they all fight and a bunch of people die and... well, I'd hate to ruin the ending for you, so I'll stop here.
Viewing Advice: If you're watching USA Up All Night, and Gilbert Gottfried or Rhonda or Kato Kaelin or whoever the hell they have now says "Up next: Silencers" and there's nothing else on, or you lost the remote, then watch it, it's actually kind of enjoyable. Otherwise, don't bother.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 9:44:38 PM)
Rating: 3.00 killer cyborgs
Genre: Sci-fi
Starring: Mario Van Peebles, Gary Busey, Dolph Lundgren
Plot: The military has created the ultimate soldier. He's a robot named Solo. But Solo has a conscience and the military brass don't like it. So there's talk of having him dismantled after he messes up a mission because he didn't want to blow up a bunch of innocent people.
The supreme military guy sends Gary Busey after Solo, who has been taken in by the villager he aborted the mission to save. Meanwhile Solo kills a bunch of evil commie troops who threaten the village. Then all hell breaks loose. And then, the evil robot, played by Dolph Lundgren, shows up.
Now what I don't get is, in the first mission, the basic plan is, they blow up this hill (which would kill the afforementioned innocent people) so Solo and a few human soldiers can attack this commie airstrip. Now, mny question is, if Solo is so much faster and stronger, and bulletproff, that he can practically take on a whole army all by himself, why the hell did they use this half ass plan? Just send him in solo, as his fucking name suggests, and let him dish out some anti-commie action, Arnie-style! I mean, I sincerely hope that the secret military leaders that I pay my taxes to support aren't dumbasses like the general in this movie!
And why did these guys build the Dolph droid? Have they learned nothing from Universal Soldier?!
Viewing Advice: Are you a big fan of Mario Van Peebles or Dolph Lundgren? Do you just love super-robot movies? Are you stuck awake at 3 AM and have to choose between this and the Juiceman informercial? If so, watch this movie. Otherwise, you can pass.
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