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Realm of Rikonia
Rikonian Revuze
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Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 4:56:57 PM)
Rating: 1.00 shurikens
Genre: Shitty Ninja flick
Starring: Creepy One-Eyed Japanese Guy, Creepy Two Eyed Japanese Guy, Cute Chick, Cop Who Looks A Lot Like Todd McFarlane
Plot: Ninja III, the Domination? No, it's not shitty Hentai anime. It's a shitty Ninja movie. Evil Ninja guy kills a bunch of guys at a golf course, and then kills a bunch of cops and gets shot to death. But before he dies, he puts his soul into the body of this hot chick who works for the phone company. She starts dating the cop who looks like Todd McFarlane, even though he's one of the cops who killed the Ninja guy and she is now going out and killing those cops one by one because she's possessed. Meanwhile, One-Eyed Japanese Guy is stalking her to try to kill the evil spirit.
Now the complaints: The acting sucks. It looks like the producers hired the roadies from a frickin' Poison concert tour to do visual effects. There's this really frickin' stupid scene in this Japanese healer's basement where they chain up the possessed chick and she does some real crappy Linda Blair type stuff (this is why they don't have The Vault in Japan). Oh yeah, and this movie has a LOT of really shitty 80's music. You know the music I mean. It's the stuff that they never played on MTV or the radio and you only heard it in shitty movies like this. This movie did have one thing going for it, though. The Ninja fight scenes and Ninja murder scenes are pretty cool. Hell, before they bring in that stupid possession bit, this movie is pretty frickin' cool.
Viewing Advice: Do you like Ninjas? I mean, do you really really like Ninjas? Enough to put up with a really shitty movie, just to see some Ninja stuff? If so, rent this and fast forward through the non-Ninja fight parts. Believe me, you aren't gonna miss much.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 4:59:36 PM)
Rating: 0.00 pills
Genre: Science Fiction (allegedly)
Starring: Who knows, who cares? A bunch of nobodies and if there is any justice they will all remain that way
Plot: What plot? I sat through about 45 minutes of this drek and the only plot I could see is a bunch of 20-somethigns doing drugs and almost but not quite having sex. The lead character seemed to be doing a really poor quality Keannu Reeves imitation. I think there was supposed to be an alien invasion or something, but all I saw in the 45 minutes leeway I gave this shithole of a movie was a dude in a crocodile suit at a bus stop. All in all, this film gives the distinct impression of being a real shitty film school project.
Viewing Advice: Don't. Do not view this film on television. Do not rent it. Do not go to a film festival if this film is playing. If you are stranded in a space station and a mad scientist tries to force you to watch this film, then vent the airlocks and at least make your death quick. Allow me to reiterate... this film SUCKS!!!
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 6:25:17 PM)
Rating: 0.00 titanium fangs
Genre: Shitty horror/martial arts/ cyborg movie
Starring: An assortment of washed up American actors and washed up Japanese actors, all badly dubbed
Plot: Japanese kung fu drug dealers are using kung fu vampires to fight the American DEA (which surprisingly opts to use guns instead of kung fu). Apparently, they blow up one of our DEA agents and our government brings him back as a cyborg.
Viewing Advice: Hey, you know how old martial arts movies are kinda stupid, and the acting is bad, and everything is poorly dubbed and the moves look so fake? But they're fun to watch anyway? Well, forget that theory, because this movie just fucking sucks. Oh yeah, when you rent it, the box will probably have a cool picture of Robocop on the front cover. There's no Robocop, nor any cyborg looking anything like him. The "cyborg" in this piece of excrement is actually a bad actor in a thick mylar jacket with the hood up.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 9:48:53 PM)
Rating: 0.00 shitty sequels
Genre: Crap sequel to a classic horror comedy musical
Starring: Oh crap, I don't even remember. I think that Sarandon and Bostwick were in it, but maybe they were smart enough to pass on this film role. Oh yeah, I think they had a creepy midget guy.
Plot: It's after the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Brad and Janet are having marital troubles. And some general guy is trying to kill Brad (or was that Janet?). To be honest, I tried to watch this, but after about 25 minutes, I switched over to some stupid beach movie on USA. And I was thankful!
Viewing Advice: Don't watch this. Try to catch a better film like the Silencers or Universal Soldier or Blair Witch instead.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 1/10/2010 11:19:20 AM)
Rating: 0.00 nacho libres
Genre: Pretentious tripe masquerading as a comedy.
Starring: George Michael Bluth, Zack Galagreekguy, Tommy Vercetti, Ol' Bug Eyes
Plot: Not since Nacho Libre have I been so psyched and so wretchedly disappointed in the same movie.
This movie had almost everything going for it, so I still cannot understand how it failed so abyssmally to entertain. I'm a big fan of Michael Cera. I'm, a big fan of Zach Galafanakis. Fred Willard always amuses me. Steve Buscemi always puts in an interesting performance. Ray Liotta is awesome. I even find Justin Long funny (though I am aware that according to modern science, just admitting that last bit does make me a douchebag).
And this movie has most everything a great Michael Cera comedy needs. It has his self-effacing nerdy badboy wannabe wit, it has over the top not quite likable characters, it has even more over the top shennanigans.
But it lacks any sense of comedic pacing. Yes, there's funny moments in the movie, and if you saw the trailer, then congratulations, you saw pretty much every good moment in this film, and saved yourself about 80 minutes or so.
The movie has ther dull plodding pace of a bad art film, with just enough hints of zaniness to make you hold out hope, for the first half hour or so, that it's a slow buildup to a more fun or entertaining or interesting film. Maybe when the alternate persona emerges, this movie will stop jerking us around and start being entertaining. Nope, doesn't happen. And the notion of such an alternate persona is usually very interesting. Look at Fight Club for the best example. This movie, despite blatantly cribbing the whole Tyler Durden angle, falls far too short of that mark.
The movie remains bland throughout, and the big "will he get caught for the arson?" question they toss out then resolve then toss out again is answered in the same sort of bland "meh, whatever" manner the rest of this movie plods along in.
Viewing Advice: Rent Superbad. Rent Fight Club. Get two TVs and DVD players, put the TVs side by side and watch both disks simultaneously.
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