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Realm of Rikonia
Rikonian Revuze
(Movies)
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Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 9:34:28 PM)
Rating: 3.00 ha-dou-kens
Genre: Anime street fighting movie
Starring: A bunch of people in a sound studio and some lines and colors.
Plot: OK, you ever play Street Fighter II?
Viewing Advice: Well, this is surely not the best anime film out there, but it's not too shabby. If your'e a big Street Fighter fan, check it out.
Reviewed By: Zerebus ( 10/17/2009 7:48:36 PM)
Rating: 3.00 Engrish Muffins
Genre: Science Fiction
Starring: Takeshi Kaneshiro, Anne Suzuki
Plot: The Returner is a Japanese science fiction movie that unabashedly rips off numerous Hollywood films. With elements from The Terminator, Transformers, The Matrix, and Close Encounters of the Third Kind mashed up against Japanese cultural stereotypes and she's-too-young-for-this-to-be-right male-female relationships, the Returner is a surprisingly entertaining movie about a time traveling resistance member who must recruit a Japanese Keanu Reeves to stop a war with the not-Decepticons. Look out for hilarious Engrish sequences, lots of wire fu, and a heavy dose of forced disbelief suspension.
I have yet to finish watching this movie. I have tried five times to finish watching this movie. I just can't do it. You see, I have this condition wherein I have to breathe in order to survive. Allow me to explain the problem: About half way through the movie, there is a flash-back-forward sequence (how does one categorize a flash back of the future?) to a secret rebel stronghold filled with mostly American actors. These people clearly know how to speak English. Unfortunately, they are being paid to speak lines that don't quite match up with proper English grammar. Hearing "Our heaviest flyboy is no good!" being used to describe a rifle's ineffectiveness against the not-Decepticons is apparently more than I can take. Simply put, this sequence has repeatedly left me in a state of catatonic laughter so severe that I have to stop the movie. Attempts to restart the movie or jumping ahead to anything short of the credits will resume my affliction.
Ah well. This is also why I'll never be able to finish the last (extra!) episode of Excel Saga, either. Man. Needing to breathe sucks.
Overall, the Returner is a fun movie. I give it two and a half Engrish Muffins out of five, because that's about how far into the film I ever seem to get.
Viewing Advice: Viewers are advised not to be drinking or eating during the Air Force mountain base attack sequence. You engage in such activities at the peril of your surroundings.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/14/2009 12:00:00 AM)
Rating: 2.00 human ears
Genre: Science Fiction
Starring: Jean Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, some cute chick reporter, some evil government guys and corrupt science guys, and a military van with a freeezer unit.
Plot: Toward the end of the Vietnam War, Dolph Lundgren is a psycho who kills people and wears their ears aroud his neck. Van Damme finds out, and the two of them kill each other in a shittily acted sequence. Then, both are revived for the Universal Soldier program in the 80's, because apparently, the scientists can only use dead soldiers with really atrocious accents. Anyway, what the fuck is this? These guys die in fucking Vietnam and they are reanimated in the 80's?! All I can say is, wow. I can't even keep leftover burgers for more than a week, but these guys lasted for like a decade in a cemetary?
Anyway, they regain their memories and try to kill each other.
Viewing Advice: If you are a Dolph fan, a Van Damme fan, or an undead-killer-cyborg-with-a-shitty-accent fan, watch this movie, otherwise, forget it
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/14/2009 12:00:00 AM)
Rating: 2.00 thought matrixes (1.99 more than the writers have)
Genre: Science Fiction
Starring: Jean Claude Van Damme, that hamburger helper looking dude from Spawn, some chick reporter who, while cute, was not nearly as cute as the one from the last movie, some blue-haired freak, some evil government guys and corrupt science guys, and Whoopie Goldberg
Plot: The Unisol project is still on, and Jean Claude Van Damme has returned! No, wait, he just kinda stayed around. You gotta leave to return.
OK, then, the other Unisols return! No, wait, they all died, and these are all new Unisols. Um, well someone has returned, and there are lots of new Unisols, the squad leader of whom is some big bald wrestler dude named Whoopie Goldberg. The project gets cancelled, and Seth (the AI in charge of it) panics and starts killing people, trying to keep from being deactivated. Of course, the guys who designed teh system gave Seth complete control over the Unisols, so they all serve him. It's kinda like the Borg except these guys have less implants and are all wrestlers instead of pasty goth punks with a techno fetish. Anyway, Jean Claude Van Damme hooks up with yet another cute chick reporter to try to stop them. Yeah, Jean Claude, maybe if you team up with Cynthia Rothrock or Linda Hamilton next time, you'll have better luck.
But Van Damme had no time to reflect on thoughts such as that, because Seth downloads his brain into Michael Jai White (the dude from Spawn, only he's not all burned up and demon-possessed now), and Seth's new body is the ultimate Unisol.
Viewing Advice: Did you see Universal Soldier? If you haven't and are at all worried about not getting the plot of #2, then go to the video store, ask for a copy of Universal Soldier, and then proceed to beat yourself to death with it, right there in the cashier's line. Because if you cannot follow this plot, then socially and Darwinically speaking, we do not need you.
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