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Realm of Rikonia
Rikonian Revuze
(Movies)
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Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 4:58:47 PM)
Rating: 3.00 uh, martial art things
Genre: Martial Arts
Starring: Some dude, a chick, this old Russian guy, this middle aged guy and that druggie from Belgium
Plot: This dude who has a karate studio doesn't sell out to the Russian Mob, and Jean Claude Van Damme breaks his leg. Later, he's moved to a new town, and is trying to get his kid to stop studying karate. Of course this means that a gang of karate-student bullies will start harassing him.
Anyway, the kid fights off the bullies, but the fat one (yes, a fat karate student bully. Think Francis from Pee Wee's Big Adventure but without the physical fitness regimen) starts stirring up all sorts of shit, and there's a big fight with the champion or something (I forget, I didn't really pay attention to this part).
Anyway, watch for the bits with Bruce Lee's ghost (oddly enough, not played by Bruce Lee), and the big fight at the end between whatsisname and Jean Claude Van Damme.
Viewing Advice: This film's not that bad, and does have a certain charm if you like '80s movies. So all you '80s nostalgia fans should go rent it. What with the hair, music, and those damn montage training scenes that seemed to be everywhere back then, this is a classic example of '80s cinema. If, on the other hand, you hate the '80s, then you should skip this and go rent Nowhere or the Blair Witch Project, you god-damned Greatest-Decade-Ever-hating philistines!
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:00:38 PM)
Rating: 3.00 er, phantoms (hey, they can't all be gold!)
Genre: Horror
Starring: Ben Affleck, the dude from Scream 2, the crazy chick who married Marylin Manson (hey, wouldn't she have to be?), a fine looking actress, Peter O'Toole, and evil stuff
Plot: Two sisters (Rose McGowan and hot lady who'se name I can't think of) drive to this small sleepy town only to find it is all dead except for the sherriff and depurity, er, deputy. The local constabulary (Affleck and Scream 2 guy, whose name I have forgotten) has an Andy Gritth and Barney Fife quality to them, except Barney Fife wasn't a necrophiliac pervert.
Anyway, pervo deputy dies (so we know the bad guy isn't Eric Clapton), and they call in some comically inept government guys who bring Peter O'Toole with them. Then there's a lot of whining and everyone starts fighting the evil stuff.
Viewing Advice: This is a fair movie, but not all that great. I'd recommend seeing it, but don't make a special trip
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:07:47 PM)
Rating: 3.00 bullets
Genre: R-Rated Comic Book Adaptation
Starring: Dolph Lundgren, the dude from Iron Eagle, some Italian dudes, some Japanese dude, and a shitload of guns and bullets.
Plot: Frank Castle's family gets killed by the mob, Frank kills a bunch of Mob guys. Unfortunately, he doesn't have the cool skull T-shirt (how fucking hard would it have been to get him one, the guy from Soundgarden has one, so why didn't Punisher?!)
Viewing Advice: If you are not a purist fan of the comic, then watch it, it's a good action flick taken on its own merits. Just make sure you watch it when it's on TBS, because I hear if you watch the uncut version on pay cable or video you see Dolph's ass, and no one wants to see that.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/16/2009 3:43:40 PM)
Rating: 3.00 throwing stars
Genre: Ninja flick
Starring: Some Ninja Guy, a Bunch of 1970's Guys, Some Blonde Chick, The Ninja Guy's Kid
Plot: Evil Ninja guys kill the Ninja Dude's family, except for his mother and son. He takes them to America to keep them out of Ninja stuff. Sadly, an evil Ninja is operating in his city and he gets involved. Needless to say, our Ninja hero kills a lot of evil Ninja scum. Hey! They shoulda got this guy for those Revenge of the Nerds movies. "The jocks burned down the dorm! Oh look, someone stuck throwing stars in their eyes!" Or maybe those Revenge of the Pink Panther movies. Uh, then again, maybe not.
Viewing Advice: If you like Ninja flicks, I recommend this one. It's not that bad a flick. It does fall into that B movie 1970's style, but it's not nearly as bad as a lot of those flicks. And it's a shitload better than Ninja 3: the Domination!
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 9:45:39 PM)
Rating: 3.00 damn space hippies
Genre: Direct to Video Sci Fi Thriller
Starring: Jack Scalia (Funny, I thought he was a Supreme Court Justice), some damn hippie space guy, and this cool dude named Carlos
Plot: Evil aliens steal a cow and kill a guy in the 60s. Years later, evil aliens with black eyes and funky sonic powers kill a senator and Jack Scalia (one of the 2 characters in this movie you can actually root for) is upset because he failed to stop them, then he ends up befriending one of the lamest aliens I've ever seen (though JarJar is much much lamer, but still, this guy sucks), and trying to save him from the evil alien leader (played by Carlos something or other) who for some reason looks just like Clark Kent. Come to think of it, he DOES have strange powers beyond those of mortal men, and he DOES wear glasses to conceal his identity. Anyway, they all fight and a bunch of people die and... well, I'd hate to ruin the ending for you, so I'll stop here.
Viewing Advice: If you're watching USA Up All Night, and Gilbert Gottfried or Rhonda or Kato Kaelin or whoever the hell they have now says "Up next: Silencers" and there's nothing else on, or you lost the remote, then watch it, it's actually kind of enjoyable. Otherwise, don't bother.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 9:44:38 PM)
Rating: 3.00 killer cyborgs
Genre: Sci-fi
Starring: Mario Van Peebles, Gary Busey, Dolph Lundgren
Plot: The military has created the ultimate soldier. He's a robot named Solo. But Solo has a conscience and the military brass don't like it. So there's talk of having him dismantled after he messes up a mission because he didn't want to blow up a bunch of innocent people.
The supreme military guy sends Gary Busey after Solo, who has been taken in by the villager he aborted the mission to save. Meanwhile Solo kills a bunch of evil commie troops who threaten the village. Then all hell breaks loose. And then, the evil robot, played by Dolph Lundgren, shows up.
Now what I don't get is, in the first mission, the basic plan is, they blow up this hill (which would kill the afforementioned innocent people) so Solo and a few human soldiers can attack this commie airstrip. Now, mny question is, if Solo is so much faster and stronger, and bulletproff, that he can practically take on a whole army all by himself, why the hell did they use this half ass plan? Just send him in solo, as his fucking name suggests, and let him dish out some anti-commie action, Arnie-style! I mean, I sincerely hope that the secret military leaders that I pay my taxes to support aren't dumbasses like the general in this movie!
And why did these guys build the Dolph droid? Have they learned nothing from Universal Soldier?!
Viewing Advice: Are you a big fan of Mario Van Peebles or Dolph Lundgren? Do you just love super-robot movies? Are you stuck awake at 3 AM and have to choose between this and the Juiceman informercial? If so, watch this movie. Otherwise, you can pass.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 9:39:35 PM)
Rating: 3.00 lightsabers
Genre: Science fiction
Starring: That dude from that Scottish heroin flick, Liam Neeson, some kid, Natalie Portman, some old dude who may have played the dean in Animal House
Plot: For a good plot synopsis, check out Weird Al's new single The Saga Begins. The film had good points and bad points, or should I say, Light Side and Dark Side. On the Light Side: Awesome special effects, cool acting from most of the cast, a pretty engaging plot, Darth Maul kicked ass, plus the usual Star Wars elements. The Dark Side: JarJar is even more annoying than I could have guessed. And he still lives at the end of the film, paving the way for his appearance in the sequel (ack!), the Trade Federation accents were the worst I've ever heard. I don't think any of these guys went to the same accent coach. One dude sounded vaguely Chinese, another sounds kinda Mexican, another almost seems to be doing a real shitty Dracula impression, and I swear one guy was Scottish! ("Anakin! Ye look like a wee lil baby! Get in me tummy! I want my babyback babyback babyback ribs..."), plus the theater's sound system was off balance and the treble was too tinny. I know this isn't the movie's fault, but what the hell. Anyway, the Trainspotting dude put in a great performance, as did Neeson. The guy who played Palpatine was cool too. But I look forward to the second flick, which should be better still.
Note: The preceding is, of course, an old review. I didn't edit the text to reflect my changed attitude after the other prequel films, but I did drop the rating down a bit, to reflect my slightly shifted opinion.
Viewing Advice: See the film, but try to do so in a theater with a perfectly tuned sound system, and don't eat beforehand. There's no gore or anything, but that JarJar could make you puke real easy.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 9:35:45 PM)
Rating: 3.00 bad Belgian actors
Genre: Martial arts
Starring: That crazy Belgian dude who takes drugs and smashes hotel rooms, Raul Julia, some hot Chinese chick, a lot of other people.
Plot: M. Bison (played by Raul Julia) is an evil warlord in a foam rubber padded uniform trying to get a few billion for some hostages. Jean Claude Van Damme is Col. Guile, who'se heading up the AN effort to stop him. Actually, since Guile is from America, that makes Jean Claude an AN/US agent, which is somewhat appropriate.
Meanwhile, Ken and Ryu are trying to con evil crime lord Sagat out of some money by selling him fake guns. Sagat finds out and forces them to fight in his arena, when the AN/US forces storm the place and arrest everyone.
Meanwhile, Chun-Li is reporting on the crisis while planning to go take down Bison with the help of her production staff which is composed of E. Honda and for some reason, Balrog.
Viewing Advice: OK, this isn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be, and even though the movie was written as a vehicle for then-star Jean Claude Van Damme, he is mercifully off screen for much of it. Actually, the comic relief elements were quite well executed, particulary the part toward the end with Bison and Dee-Jay. All in all, if you must see a Van Damme movie, this would be the one to see.
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