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Realm of Rikonia
Rikonian Revuze
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Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/21/2009 6:51:24 PM)
Rating: 3.00 stupid head-bobs
Genre: Comedy
Starring: Will Ferrel, that creepy little dude from SNL, Molly Shannon, Molly Shannon's cleavage, Colin Quinn, Mr. Tortelli, some dude who I thought was Ben Affleck, but isn't, and Richard Grieco
Plot: Two idiots dance badly at nightclubs, behave like total jackasses and get pushed around a lot. Actually, there is a surprising amount of depth here. This movie did something I would have figured impossible: given the "SNL dancing idiot guys" a depth of character. You will find yourself actually caring if they get their nightclub dream or not. Molly's cleavage was actually nominated for an oscar for best supporting cleavage. Oh yeah, and Colin Quinn plays kind of an asshole.
Viewing Advice: If you liked all those weird slacker party-dude comedy movies in the 80's, you will love this movie.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 4:56:57 PM)
Rating: 1.00 shurikens
Genre: Shitty Ninja flick
Starring: Creepy One-Eyed Japanese Guy, Creepy Two Eyed Japanese Guy, Cute Chick, Cop Who Looks A Lot Like Todd McFarlane
Plot: Ninja III, the Domination? No, it's not shitty Hentai anime. It's a shitty Ninja movie. Evil Ninja guy kills a bunch of guys at a golf course, and then kills a bunch of cops and gets shot to death. But before he dies, he puts his soul into the body of this hot chick who works for the phone company. She starts dating the cop who looks like Todd McFarlane, even though he's one of the cops who killed the Ninja guy and she is now going out and killing those cops one by one because she's possessed. Meanwhile, One-Eyed Japanese Guy is stalking her to try to kill the evil spirit.
Now the complaints: The acting sucks. It looks like the producers hired the roadies from a frickin' Poison concert tour to do visual effects. There's this really frickin' stupid scene in this Japanese healer's basement where they chain up the possessed chick and she does some real crappy Linda Blair type stuff (this is why they don't have The Vault in Japan). Oh yeah, and this movie has a LOT of really shitty 80's music. You know the music I mean. It's the stuff that they never played on MTV or the radio and you only heard it in shitty movies like this. This movie did have one thing going for it, though. The Ninja fight scenes and Ninja murder scenes are pretty cool. Hell, before they bring in that stupid possession bit, this movie is pretty frickin' cool.
Viewing Advice: Do you like Ninjas? I mean, do you really really like Ninjas? Enough to put up with a really shitty movie, just to see some Ninja stuff? If so, rent this and fast forward through the non-Ninja fight parts. Believe me, you aren't gonna miss much.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 4:58:47 PM)
Rating: 3.00 uh, martial art things
Genre: Martial Arts
Starring: Some dude, a chick, this old Russian guy, this middle aged guy and that druggie from Belgium
Plot: This dude who has a karate studio doesn't sell out to the Russian Mob, and Jean Claude Van Damme breaks his leg. Later, he's moved to a new town, and is trying to get his kid to stop studying karate. Of course this means that a gang of karate-student bullies will start harassing him.
Anyway, the kid fights off the bullies, but the fat one (yes, a fat karate student bully. Think Francis from Pee Wee's Big Adventure but without the physical fitness regimen) starts stirring up all sorts of shit, and there's a big fight with the champion or something (I forget, I didn't really pay attention to this part).
Anyway, watch for the bits with Bruce Lee's ghost (oddly enough, not played by Bruce Lee), and the big fight at the end between whatsisname and Jean Claude Van Damme.
Viewing Advice: This film's not that bad, and does have a certain charm if you like '80s movies. So all you '80s nostalgia fans should go rent it. What with the hair, music, and those damn montage training scenes that seemed to be everywhere back then, this is a classic example of '80s cinema. If, on the other hand, you hate the '80s, then you should skip this and go rent Nowhere or the Blair Witch Project, you god-damned Greatest-Decade-Ever-hating philistines!
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 6/3/2013 12:04:51 AM)
Rating: 5.00 teleportation helmets
Genre: Magical Mystery Tour
Starring: Zombieland, the Tooth Fairy, Alfred, Lucius Fox, the Hulk, Green Goblin's kid brother
Plot: Now You See Me has a great cast, and it knows how to play to their strengths. Jessie Eisenberg is a fast talking douche, Isla Fischer is a more than capable verbal foil for him, Mark Ruffalo gets mad, Woody Harrelson just Woody Harrelsons it up. Hell, they even have Morgan Freeman in a role where delivering exposition in character makes sense and fits the film's plot and pace perfectly. And Leterrier's European-inspired pacing also suits the film well.
From the first introduction of the Four Horsemen, to their first crime (the teleporting bank robbery you all saw on the trailer), to the manhunt, betrayals, mishaps, chases, and fights, this movie excels. A perfect mixture of humor, suspense, and puzzles for the viewer to try to work out before the film reveals them (most notably, who should you be rooting for? is there a fifth Horseman? what is the Four Horsemen's endgame? will it work? and is their magic actually real?) await you if you choose this movie.
You'll guess some of this, and guess correctly. But I promise you that you'll be wrong about at least some of it. Now You See Me has a masterfully crafted plot that is delightfully twisted. And the big shocker at the end where
may well leave you congratulating the movie on foiling your attempts to predict it.
Viewing Advice: Don't look too closely. Not because the closer you look, the less you will actually see, but rather because if you sit in those close seats, you'll get real bad neck strain from looking up the whole time.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 4:59:36 PM)
Rating: 0.00 pills
Genre: Science Fiction (allegedly)
Starring: Who knows, who cares? A bunch of nobodies and if there is any justice they will all remain that way
Plot: What plot? I sat through about 45 minutes of this drek and the only plot I could see is a bunch of 20-somethigns doing drugs and almost but not quite having sex. The lead character seemed to be doing a really poor quality Keannu Reeves imitation. I think there was supposed to be an alien invasion or something, but all I saw in the 45 minutes leeway I gave this shithole of a movie was a dude in a crocodile suit at a bus stop. All in all, this film gives the distinct impression of being a real shitty film school project.
Viewing Advice: Don't. Do not view this film on television. Do not rent it. Do not go to a film festival if this film is playing. If you are stranded in a space station and a mad scientist tries to force you to watch this film, then vent the airlocks and at least make your death quick. Allow me to reiterate... this film SUCKS!!!
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 2/19/2013 2:33:02 PM)
Rating: 4.00 bald dudes
Genre: Crime revenge thriller
Starring: The Stahamator, Thing Mackie, J-Lo, not Woody Harrelson in a cowboy hat
Plot: Jason Statham is subject to a very particular typecast. Not just a slick badass criminal, but a slick badass criminal who lives by a code and has to go against his conspirators after they betray him. So you can be forgiven for thinking of this movie as a Marvel Ultimate version of Transporter. But really this story predates those movies, since it's based on a Richard Stark novel, and unlike Payback which changed the character name, Parker carries this banner proudly.
The story starts with a botched (thanks to the connected dumbass in the crew) but recovered heist, but of course things don't stay simple. After the heist, Michael Chiklis tries to change the deal (dude, seriously, that's Statham in the back of the car. You're just gonna get your ass killed!), Parker is seemingly killed, but the aforementioned connected dumbass can't follow through so Parker lives, recovers, and seeks out his elaborate revenge.
The movie is fun, violent, and clever. Although Statham's Texan alter ego in the second act made me wonder if they got Woody Harrelson to double for him.
Viewing Advice: If you like Jason Statham movies, you'll like this movie. This is a prime example of a Statham film. If you like to see Michael Chiklis lose his shit, you'll like this movie.
GENERAL ADVICE: If you're committing a crime and working with a bald British dude, DON'T BETRAY HIM! It won't end well for you. I don't care if the crime is sneaking into a theater, the betrayal is simply not opening the fire escape to let him in, and the bald guy is Karl Pilkington, you will be brutally murdered by a shiny headed limey, and people will be cheering it.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:00:38 PM)
Rating: 3.00 er, phantoms (hey, they can't all be gold!)
Genre: Horror
Starring: Ben Affleck, the dude from Scream 2, the crazy chick who married Marylin Manson (hey, wouldn't she have to be?), a fine looking actress, Peter O'Toole, and evil stuff
Plot: Two sisters (Rose McGowan and hot lady who'se name I can't think of) drive to this small sleepy town only to find it is all dead except for the sherriff and depurity, er, deputy. The local constabulary (Affleck and Scream 2 guy, whose name I have forgotten) has an Andy Gritth and Barney Fife quality to them, except Barney Fife wasn't a necrophiliac pervert.
Anyway, pervo deputy dies (so we know the bad guy isn't Eric Clapton), and they call in some comically inept government guys who bring Peter O'Toole with them. Then there's a lot of whining and everyone starts fighting the evil stuff.
Viewing Advice: This is a fair movie, but not all that great. I'd recommend seeing it, but don't make a special trip
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:04:31 PM)
Rating: 5.00 mother (shut your mouth!)
Genre: Biographical comedy drama
Starring: Noah Wyle, Anthony Michael Hall (The Hall who didn't do Weekend Update)
Plot: I was going to say "boards".
Anyway...
Steve Jobs (Wyle) is the up and coming genius behind Apple. Bill Gates (Hall) is the up and coming genius behind Microsoft. Watch their epic rivalry.
It would be easy for the makers of this film to cast Gates as an evil genius, a Lex Luthor or Darth Vader, but for much of the film, he's played out almost as a wide eyed innocent (well OK, a wide eyed innocent who drives way the hell too fast and goes to strip clubs, but still...). In fact, Hall's Gates reminded me an awful lot of Luke Skywalker from the first two movies in the original trilogy (I half expected Jobs and Gates to cut each other's hands off with light swords). Jobs on the other hand, comes off not like Vader, but like Grand Admiral Thrawn (complete with an obsession for art). Star Wars comparisons aside, this is a great movie. The scene with Gates and his friend joyridng the bulldozer rocked. What really surprised me was the fact that, even though Gates is almost universally hated, and Jobs is seen by many computer geeks as the new Messiah (maybe it's the haircut), we see a movie where Gates is seen as the good guy and Jobs is seen as the bad guy for much of the running time (though there are moments where Jobs comes through as likeable and noble and Gates has a couple really nasty moments). All in all, this is not a movie just for computer people, but a movie about people, and the forces of fate, conflict, and yes, good and evil that shape all of our lives.
Viewing Advice: Original advice:
Definitely see this film. It'a TNT original, so if you don't have cable, get it (unless you are Amish or something)
Current advice: I think you'd have to rent it now. But you should do so, as this movie is very entertaining.
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