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Realm of Rikonia
Rikonian Revuze
(Movies)
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Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:46:09 PM)
Rating: 1.00 creepy European SNL hosts
Genre: Shitty Sci-Fi Movie
Starring: That creepy European guy who hosts SNL all the time, a couple chicks, some dudes
Plot: Chris Walken and this chick who smokes too much invent a device that lets you interface with the brain. Some Evil Corporate Types kill the smoking chick and steal the project. Walken then steals the project back, thanks to this facilities laughably inept security. I mean, when Walken is breaking into their main fucking files and the main security guys tells the keyboard jockey to "just see how far he can get" I laughed my ass off. If Moose and Squirrel ever find Boris and Natasha too difficult to deal with, they can go to this place. Anyway, I was really disappointed, because usually Walken's work is pretty good. I mean, I liked those two Prophecy movies, and I'm not really into the whole angel shtick. Chris, we expected better of you. Oh well, this was way back in the 70s or early 80s, so I guess the Statute of Limitations has passed. Still, this movie sucks!
Viewing Advice: Don't watch this. In fact, what with this film sucking, and Brainscan sucking, just don't rent any movie with the word "brain" in the title. Ah well, at least Langella's not in it.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 12/17/2009 5:12:26 PM)
Rating: 3.00 undead levitating skanks
Genre: Bram Stoker's Dracula
Starring: Commissioner Gordon, Hannibal Lecter, Neo, Spock's mom
Plot: You know this story. Gary Oldman is Dracula, the undead vampiric prince of the night. And he spends the first part of the movie living up to his last name as Theodore S Logan Esquire travels to Transylvania to help the evil undead Commissioner Gordon move to London.
After pricking his finger, and seeing Dracula go all semi orgasmic at the blood, Neo decides to, instead of backing out of the room and running like hell, go ahead and stay in Dracula's castle, where he is assailed by the levitating lesbian threeway from Meat Loaf's I Would Do Anything For Love video.
Despite these travails, they arrive at London and Commissioner Gordon is a huge hit with London society and it looks like he will take over Old Blighty uncontested, until famed vampire hunter Hannibal Lecter comes in to kill him.
Can Hannibal Lecter, the dude from Speed and some other people stop Commissioner Gordon's nefarious plot to create an army of bat-men?
Viewing Advice: This movie is fun, but not great enough to warrant re-watching, so it's a definite rental.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:44:10 PM)
Rating: 1.00 dollar store special effects
Genre: Shitty horror flick
Starring: Yeah right. Like anyone actually "stars" in shit like this!
Plot: Morons buy a haunted house or something. Guy with a metal hand shows up to inspect the place. Says some cryptic crap and then leaves in a huff
Then the morons put on a moron show. You know every cheap lame "house of horrors" you've ever been too? You remember how you laughed at how fake and stupid they were? Well this is lamer than that. In fact, there is only one horror show I can think of lamer than their crappy house of horrors. And that's this crappy movie that was polluting my VCR with its sheer crapness.
Viewing Advice: Save your dollar. Or give it to the guy from King Missile, and he'll be your friend forever.
Now isn't that a better use of a dollar than renting this piece of shit movie?
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/26/2009 6:15:23 PM)
Rating: 3.00 adamantium lightsabers
Genre: Psychological thriller
Starring: Obi-Wan Kenobi and Wolverine
Plot: Ewan Mcgregor is an accountant quietly wishing he had a more interesting life. Then he befriends a lawyer played by Hugh Jackman who gets him involved with a crazy underground sex club.
The Obi-Wannabe has a few awkward encounters, including one with an old chick. Then he meets the girl that makes him break the rules of the sex club (no names, no business talk, not feeding your sex partners after midnight, no talking about Fight Club, messing with the Zohan, etc).
Of course, this relationship goes disasterously wrong and now McGregor must try to save his new girlfriend and figure out the truth behind Jackman's agenda.
My main complaint about this movie is the plan, which when it is revealed, is somewhat unbelievable. It relies on Ewan falling for this girl, but really there's no way that could have reliably been foreseen. What's to say he wouldn't have followed the rules of the sex club more dilligently? Or that he wouldn't have fallen for some other girl in the sex swinger circuit? Or that he wouldn't have gone nuts and started hacking off hands with his lightsaber? But still, if you can get past this hail mary pass of a plot, the film is fairly entertaining.
Viewing Advice: This movie starts out slow, but gets more interesting about midway through.
Also, you might wanna fast forward past Kenobi banging the old chick. There's not much really relevant plotwise in that bit.
Of course, you might just want to watch that movie where Wolverine and Batman fight each other with magic. It's much better.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:39:06 PM)
Rating: 5.00 dead hookers
Genre: Comedy
Starring: Norm McDonald, Artie Lange (who always seems to play Norm's brother for some reason), Jack Warden, Chevy Chase, Chris Farley, that dude who's almost always the evil fucker in the Adam Sandler movies
Plot: Norm and his friend are down on their luck and need to get $100,000 so they can save Norm's friend's dad from a heart disease, so they start a revenge for hire business. Then they run afoul of the "evil yuppie asshole guy" from the Sandler movies. Norm proceeds to make so many boneheaded moves, that you will lose your voice from shouting "No, you stupid fucker, that is a BAD idea!" at your TV screen. A lot of critics panned this, but I loved it.
Viewing Advice: If you are not easily offended and like dark comedy, you must see this movie!
ALso, after you watch this movie, watch the pilot episode of Stargate Universe on Hulu. Trust me, it is very satisfying.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:36:43 PM)
Rating: 4.00 wooden stakes
Genre: Horror
Starring: Some generic college students, a wheelchair guy, a creepy pale guy, a creepy yet ineffectual mercenary guy, Jason Scott Lee, that dude from Jaws
Plot: Drac's back again after medical students steal his body from the morgue and re-animate it, under the guidance of their teacher who wants to use vampire blood to cure his paralysis disease. The gang takes all of the precautions they can think of, including iron and silver chains around Drac, and leaving a bunch of seeds and a knotted net so that even if he does escape, his OCD will keep him busy.
And of course, everything goes exactly according to plan, Dracula doesn't escape, nobody betrays anyone else, and they all live long prosperous lives.
Viewing Advice: You're supposed to watch Dracula 2000 first, then watch this one. I know it seems like you should track down a movie called Dracula 1, and then rent 1,998 other Dracula movies first, but trust me on this.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:35:05 PM)
Rating: 4.00 something to do with dreams
Genre: Sci-fi horror
Starring: Dennis Quaid, That Creepy Old German Guy From Strange Brew, The Dude From Green Acres, Another Creepy Old Guy, Some Cute Chick, Some Creepy Young Dude, and Claymation Snake Dude
Plot: Dennis Quaid is a slacker loser who'se once promising career is gone, leaving him spending his days betting on the horses and dodges track thugs. But before all that happened, he made this movie. In it, he plays a psychic who joins a secret project which is endeavoring to send psychics into other people's dreams. He does not know that this project is really controlled by a badass black ops intelligence agency (you'd think a psychic would pick up on shit like this, but I guess not). Anyway, Quaid learns to go into dreams and then has to stop the evil assassin guy who also goes into dreams. Anyway, this is the flick that Nightmare on Elm Street ripped off. Not just the whole "evil nutcase who kills people in their dreams" bit either. The evil guy actually kills one of his victims by popping blades from his fingertips and slicing him up.
Viewing Advice: You cannot call yourself a scifi fan if you have never seen this movie. It's a frickin' classic.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:30:21 PM)
Rating: 4.00 cheap corpse masks
Genre: Schlock Horror
Starring: Bruce Campbell and four other people
Plot: A bunch of college kids go to a cabin in the middle of nowhere, dig up an old reel to reel tape player which contains the spell for calling demons and basically giving them clearance to kill you in whatever horrible way they want. So of course, they play the tape, demons come, and gradually kill and possess them. Unless you are really a fan of the franchise, you can probably do without this film. It's not all that bad, but Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn was much better. It had more humor to it, whereas this was attempting (at least I think it was) to be a serious horror flick. Kinda hard to take a film seriously when the zombies all look like they got their makeup at the K-Mart Halloween rack. I've seen a lot of these college kids vs. the slasher/demon/whatever flicks and I always wonder how the morons from those movies ever got into college in the first place.
Viewing Advice: If it's on TV, then watch it. You probably don't want to order the video (which I did. oops)
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