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Realm of Rikonia
Rikonian Revuze
(Movies)
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Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/19/2009 7:35:35 AM)
Rating: 3.00 pointless voiceovers
Genre: Comedy drama based on real events
Starring: Jason Bourne, the time traveller who ruined Star Trek, a bunch of people in suits
Plot: Matt Damon is Mark Whitacre, a goofy ADM exceutive who blows the whistle on a large price fixing scheme, goes undercover for the FBI and is an effective but amusingly bumbling undercover mole for the feds. Then, things start to fall apart, as Mark kind of becomes unglued. Quite frankly, the whole story is kind of ludicrously unbelievable. Which is quite common of stories based on things that really happened, apparently. People who make up their stories can't get away with the same hack writing that reality can, apparently.
The actual movie itself was pretty good. Damon is funny, Scott Bakula makes a great straight-man for his antics, and there is a certain amount of suspense in the film over what will become of Mark Whitacre. My one complaint is the voiceovers. You see, the movie has these voiceovers throughout of Damon musing, as Whitacre, about inane stuff. It's like the voiceover musings that Ed Norton did in Fight Club. Except those were good and helped push the movie along. The random voiceover observations in the Informant, on the other hand, just dragged me out of the picture. Looking back, I think maybe it wasn't so much that they were bad in this movie, but that there were too many of them.
Actually, the movie kind of reminded me, stylistically, of another film adaptation of a Chuck Palasomethignorother book, Choke. Sure Matt Damon wasn't faking choking to death in restaurants to make connections, but he had the same sort of lost craziness to him, and the film had the same sort of dark yet funny path to self-destructiveness.
Come to think of it, he did mention in a random musing that he saved a guy from choking in a restaurant and gets a card from him. I wonder if it was the guy from Choke. That'd be something.
Viewing Advice: I'd say this movie is worth a look, as a rental or on cable. But I would not advise buying the DVD. Unless they have some good features.
Also, if you're a Transformer's fan, pay attention to the scene with Whitacre's dad in it. That's what Megatron and Soundwave really look like!
Reviewed By: Persephone977 ( 10/20/2009 5:39:48 PM)
Rating: 4.00 Kicks to the Head
Genre: Kung Fu
Starring: 3 Holy Fools, 2 Shaolin Princes, 1 Evil Dude
Plot: Funny Kung Fu flick about kung fu, beating the bad guy, and 3 holy fools who aren't allowed to leave their house. Much hilarity ensues, with added blood and gore for flavor. This is a very fun kung fu movie to watch, of the cheesy 70s variety. It includes mythical martial arts sword styles too.
The 3 holy fools are classic slapstick--like 3 stooges as kick butt martial artists. Their student proves his worth by surviving them and beating up the bad guys in spectacular style. A short side plot involves a possessing spirit being exorcised. Watching it you get an idea where some of the anime stereotypes came from.
Viewing Advice: Be prepared for funny cheese, nonsense cut scenes, and wire fu. Do not expect mouths to move in time with words. Look out for the funky special effects and weird swords with special powers.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:14:02 PM)
Rating: 0.00 horrible lifepath errors of Hugh Grant
Genre: Shitty British Horror flick
Starring: Hugh Grant, Amanda Donahoe, a bunch of people who could have gotten work in the 1940s acting in German proganda films about why they need to bomb England.
Plot: Plot?! Oh man, I gotta rename this field! OK, I may have missed some of the subtle nuances, as I rented this movie and fast forwarded through most of the shitty parts (so it took me 10 minutes to watch this). But basically Hugh Grant played this archaeologist or something and he finds a skull that he thinks is a dinosaur skull, but is really a "wyrm" skull. Yes, this "wyrm" is some long dead evil thing that half of the people in this movie worship (sort of like the plot). Anyway, Amanda Donahoe is this slutty evil chick who wants the skull so she can bring back the wyrm and it can kill everyone or something. I guess that whole glass ceiling thing doesn't apply to evil cultists.
Since I fast forwarded through a lot of it, I can't tell you too much, but the evil chick did some sort of evil magic thing to make Hugh Grant give her the skull. Or maybe it was the other guy. They had this other guy who looked a bit like Hugh Grant. And I didn't even notice they were two different people until they were in the same shot. But anyway, she kidnapped this chick who I think was someone's girlfriend, tied her up over the pit the white worm is buried in, and tried to sacrifice her. She was twarted and there was a cave in. And the guy who looks kind of like Hugh Grant was poisoned and it made him evil and he was supposed to take an antidote but he didn't. Or something like that.
My question is, what the fuck is up with Hugh Grant?! I mean, a few years back, Hugh, who was at the time married to Elizabeth Hurley, one of the hottest babes on the planet, and he cheats with a butt-ugly prostitute! Rule #1 of adultery: Never cheat with someone less attractive than your wife! Hugh needs to learn that. So does Bill Clinton for that matter. I mean, Hillary may not be in the Swedish Bikini team, but she's a hell of a lot more attractive than Paula Jones, or than Monica was when he was boffing her. Hell, the way Bill was going, I was half surprised he wasn't doing Linda Tripp! Oh yeah, I was talking about Hugh Grant. Anyway, first I hear about that whole ugly hooker thing, then I heard that he and Elizabeth are breaking up. And now I see this horrible movie and it makes sense. Hugh Grant has no taste or judgement whatsoever. He must have some form of brain damage, perhaps as a result of getting hit on the head or actually eating British food. In fact, I hear he's costarring in Pauly Shore's next movie.
Viewing Advice: If you absolutely positively have to watch this movie, then watch for the ska band singing the song about the white worm legend. It's actually kind of funny and the sole reason this is a 0.2 and not a 0.0.
Reviewed By: LJ ( 10/14/2009 12:00:00 AM)
Rating: 0.00 Boom! Headshot!
Genre: Zombie Movie
Starring: John Lequizamo, Dennis Hopper
Plot: George A. Romero tries to make a movie after a period of inaction, and wastes the time and money of the audience. The main character has no back story and doesn't want to hear about any of the other character's histories. For some reason people are following a worthless Dennis Hopper, and still spending cash money way into the zombie apocalypse. The smartest characters are a mentally handicapped sidekick, and John Lequizamo. Lot's of jump cuts where characters walk into an empty room, and the next shot has them surrounded by zombies. It ends with George trying to make us sympathize with walking corpses that eat anyone and everyone they see. Oh yeah, they developed skills to use guns and other complicated tools.
Viewing Advice: Run to the hills, run for your liiiiiife.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/14/2009 12:00:00 AM)
Rating: 0.00 commie zombies
Genre: Zombienist propoganda piece
Starring: Johnny Legs and the Mentalist
Plot: Not much to add to LJ's review, except that I cannot believe he didn't mention how bad a commie propoganda piece this movie is. It's like Hero with zombies.
Still, had some cool moments, so I gave it a charitable 0.25 rating.
Viewing Advice: Don't watch it, it's commie propoganda. Unless you are a commie, in which case, you should probably be waiting in line for bread or something?
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:10:34 PM)
Rating: 3.00 of Speakman's 15 minutes of fame
Genre: Action
Starring: Fred Ward-- er I mean Jeff Speakman, Captain Kirk, Mac from Night Court, a lot of bombs, and Roberto Benini (just kidding!)
Plot: Speakman works for Kirk's senate campaign, doesn't believe the guy's corrupt (hey, he's Captain frickin' Kirk for cryin' out loud!) but steals a disk from him for the FBI anyway. The FBI swears they can protect Speakman and his family, but it turns out they're a bunch of goddamned lying pussies, so Captain Kirk's "problem eliminator" who happens to be Mac from Night Court (and you thought Bull was the badass of that show!) tries to kill Speakman, but fails, because, well, dammit, you just cannot beat a martial arts superstar like Jeff Speakman!
Viewing Advice: If you see this movie and feel like a moderately good action movie, go right ahead. It's not a must-see (but then you know a movie isn't a must-see if you see the name "Jeff Speakman" on the DVD box), but it's not that bad.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/3/2012 6:52:58 PM)
Rating: 3.00 spoiler tags
Genre: Sci-Fi
Starring: Cobra Commander, Die Hard, Diarrhea Dude From Dumb and Dumber
Plot: This is a fun movie. But it has some flaws to its logic. Unfortunately, one does not simple discuss time travel logic without spoiling the movie for everyone else. And unlike walking into Mordor, it's not like one can just get on one's giant eagle and drop the ring into Mount Doom. Seriously Gandalf, are you a fucking idiot or what?
But I'm not here to talk about how stupid Gandalf is. I'm here to discuss Looper.
As an action movie, Looper is fucking awesome.
As a noir movie, Looper is pretty good.
The characters in Looper are all very well done. In particular, they made it believable that Tommy Solomon's Young Joe grows up to be John McClaine's Old Joe. And kudos to the Fifth Element gag in the montage. I laughed my ass off at that joke.
As a time travel movie, however, Looper has some pretty goofy issues. For these, I shall use my spiffy new spoiler tag that the awesome webmaster of this site (That's me!) added.
The basic starting premise is fairly sound. The Mob in future has a time machine. They send enemies to the past, where they get killed and disposed of by guys called Loopers.
They also have a rule where
OK, fine. As the narrator puts it "Loopers aren't exactly the most forward thinking people."
But right at the start, we get the major time travel screw up. This is bad. It's "Marty McFly's Amazing Headless Brother" bad.
| Do I dare click it? Do I? Darest I face what lies beneath this evil text? |
Joe's buddy Seth gets his loop closed. Except, instead of killing future Seth, he lets him go. So now the Mob is after Young Seth to get Old Seth. They catch Young Seth. OK, so they kill him and Old Seth vanishes, right? Right? Wrong! Killing Young Seth would make a paradox. And that's bad. OK, so the Mob is more responsible with time travel than Starfleet officers. I'm oddly ok with that.
The mobsters send Young Seth to the surgeons. Ooh! I bet I know what they do! They put a bomb in Young Seth that'll go off in 30 years, killing him while he's on the run in the present! The sort of bomb that can't be removed without killing the patient! A foolproof and fairly temporally responsible plan. A nice surprise for a time travel movi... oh wait, they're not doing that. They're cutting bits off of Young Seth so we get to watch him fall apart in real time. A cool and creepy and brutal scene, but also a fucking stupid scene, which culminates in a fingerless, legless, noseless Old Seth driving to the rendezvous point carved onto his arm flesh until his disintegrating body can no longer drive and rams the car into a dumpster, leaving him to hobble to the door to get blasted.
Let's think this through. This means that, basically, Young Seth got his limbs hacked off and got himself denosified. Then the Mob keeps him alive for 30 years, sends him back, and he runs from Young Seth (How? You ain't got no legs, Lt. Old Seth!) and manages to get to the rendezvous point by driving a car he's incapable of driving until he suddenly can't.
And how is delimbifying Seth less of a paradox than killing him? It's not like Seth will be able to do any of the stuff he would have done in the original timeline. And, unless the Mob is keeping him in an isolated room with no contact, then he could conceivably say things that would alter the timeline further. But if the Mob is just keeping him in a black box room for thirty years, then temporally speaking, they might as well just kill him. This whole subplot is so silly, I'm surprised that zombie Graham Chapman didn't make a cameo to put a stop to it.
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OK, that's done with. If you can manage to get your suspension of disbelief back, the rest of the movie is actually pretty clever. There's a funny comic "beat" you'll chuckle at (then groan at your remembrance of this pun).
Most of the story is pretty engaging and dark. And aside from the bit in the spoiler tag, the time travel element is fairly well handled.
But I do have to wonder
Viewing Advice: If you don't mind some daft time travel logic, then watch this film. If you're still hung up on Marty McFly's brother being headless in that photo then maybe this isn't the film for you.
BTW, what the fuck? His body was born but his head wasn't?
Zemekis, TIME TRAVEL DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!!!!
Oh yeah, I should also warn you that this film does delve into some dark territory like
| Spoil me, spoil me hard! |
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Bruce Willis going around shooting kids because one of them will grow up to be a bad guy who kills his wife.
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Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 6/22/2013 7:47:20 PM)
Rating: 4.00 fishing trawlers
Genre: Superhero epic
Starring: Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Michael Shannon, Jack Knife, Morpheus, Not-Emil Hamilton, Not Jimmy Olsen, Hal Jordan's voice
Plot: When I was a kid, there was a movie called Superman, and it had to audacity to use the tagline "you will believe a man can fly". Well, I saw that movie in the 80's and I can tell you, no you freaking won't.
But after seeing Man of Steel, I am pleased to say that this promise has finally been delivered upon, and Snyder and Nolan have gone one better. Not only will you believe a man can fly, you will believe a man can make a decent Superman movie. Well, two men. And lots of actors and effects people.
Cavill and Adams excel as Clark and Lois, living up to a strong legacy of performances that make those characters come alive even when the movies that surround them fall flat. Snyder and Nolan had the opposite problem: They were tasked to do that which nobody has ever done well: Make a Superman movie. And they succeeded. This isn't just a good Superman movie, it's a good movie in Zod, er in general. The movie spends just as much time showing Clark's attempt to find his place in the world as it shows him punching the faces of dudes who are not from this world. There are some strong character studies of Jor-El and Zod as well, and we get to see glimpses of the good man that Zod once was, even as we watch the shattered ruthless monster that he has become. The fighting is epic, truly epic. Picture the style of a Snyder film, the plot and characterization of a Nolan film, and the explosivo factor of a Bay film and you've got a good idea of what this movie is. In prior Superman movies, the fights looked like fights that mortals could have, and Superman's sheer power is only conveyed by lifting things and going really fast. But the fights in Man of Steel truly convey the power of the characters. These are basicalyl gods waging war against each other, and never before has it been done so convincingly. I hate to speak against Avengers, but the fights in Metropolis are what the Chitari invasion should have been. And the visual effects were awesome! CGI that actually looks like real stuff. Well, except for that CGI Zod, that was a bit too uncanny valley if you ask... what's that? That's not CGI, that's a real actor? I retract my last statement then.
I wonder where the franchise can go from here. This is as epic as a thrid movie should be and this is right out the gate. I think to even have a chance of living up to this legacy in MoS 2, they'll need to get Statham to play Lex Luthor.
Also, as I was walking out, the musical fanfare blared loudly, giving me an extra bonus: I suddenly knew exactly what it feels like to be a Kryptonian who hasn't learned to control his super senses yet. Thanks movie speakers...
There was one controversial point at the end where and be careful about clicking this spoiler, because this is a super spoiler. Seriously, don't click it if you haven't seen the movie yet!
| It's probably not even really spoiling anything. Go on, click it! |
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OK, so some people have expressed disdain with Superman snapping Zod's neck. But he had no choice. He tried to refrain from killing Zod, but it was Zod or those people and Superman chose to protect the innocent. Which, if you think about it, still makes Cavill's Superman far more virtuous than Reeve's who straight up murderized a completely de-powered Zod in Superman 2 (after crushing his hand bones). Cavill's neck-snapping Superman is practically Ghandi.
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Viewing Advice: See it on the big screen, 3D if you're into that. But BRING SOME DAMN EAR PLUGS!!!
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