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Realm of Rikonia
Rikonian Revuze
(Movies)
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Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:00:38 PM)
Rating: 3.00 er, phantoms (hey, they can't all be gold!)
Genre: Horror
Starring: Ben Affleck, the dude from Scream 2, the crazy chick who married Marylin Manson (hey, wouldn't she have to be?), a fine looking actress, Peter O'Toole, and evil stuff
Plot: Two sisters (Rose McGowan and hot lady who'se name I can't think of) drive to this small sleepy town only to find it is all dead except for the sherriff and depurity, er, deputy. The local constabulary (Affleck and Scream 2 guy, whose name I have forgotten) has an Andy Gritth and Barney Fife quality to them, except Barney Fife wasn't a necrophiliac pervert.
Anyway, pervo deputy dies (so we know the bad guy isn't Eric Clapton), and they call in some comically inept government guys who bring Peter O'Toole with them. Then there's a lot of whining and everyone starts fighting the evil stuff.
Viewing Advice: This is a fair movie, but not all that great. I'd recommend seeing it, but don't make a special trip
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:04:31 PM)
Rating: 5.00 mother (shut your mouth!)
Genre: Biographical comedy drama
Starring: Noah Wyle, Anthony Michael Hall (The Hall who didn't do Weekend Update)
Plot: I was going to say "boards".
Anyway...
Steve Jobs (Wyle) is the up and coming genius behind Apple. Bill Gates (Hall) is the up and coming genius behind Microsoft. Watch their epic rivalry.
It would be easy for the makers of this film to cast Gates as an evil genius, a Lex Luthor or Darth Vader, but for much of the film, he's played out almost as a wide eyed innocent (well OK, a wide eyed innocent who drives way the hell too fast and goes to strip clubs, but still...). In fact, Hall's Gates reminded me an awful lot of Luke Skywalker from the first two movies in the original trilogy (I half expected Jobs and Gates to cut each other's hands off with light swords). Jobs on the other hand, comes off not like Vader, but like Grand Admiral Thrawn (complete with an obsession for art). Star Wars comparisons aside, this is a great movie. The scene with Gates and his friend joyridng the bulldozer rocked. What really surprised me was the fact that, even though Gates is almost universally hated, and Jobs is seen by many computer geeks as the new Messiah (maybe it's the haircut), we see a movie where Gates is seen as the good guy and Jobs is seen as the bad guy for much of the running time (though there are moments where Jobs comes through as likeable and noble and Gates has a couple really nasty moments). All in all, this is not a movie just for computer people, but a movie about people, and the forces of fate, conflict, and yes, good and evil that shape all of our lives.
Viewing Advice: Original advice:
Definitely see this film. It'a TNT original, so if you don't have cable, get it (unless you are Amish or something)
Current advice: I think you'd have to rent it now. But you should do so, as this movie is very entertaining.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 5:07:47 PM)
Rating: 3.00 bullets
Genre: R-Rated Comic Book Adaptation
Starring: Dolph Lundgren, the dude from Iron Eagle, some Italian dudes, some Japanese dude, and a shitload of guns and bullets.
Plot: Frank Castle's family gets killed by the mob, Frank kills a bunch of Mob guys. Unfortunately, he doesn't have the cool skull T-shirt (how fucking hard would it have been to get him one, the guy from Soundgarden has one, so why didn't Punisher?!)
Viewing Advice: If you are not a purist fan of the comic, then watch it, it's a good action flick taken on its own merits. Just make sure you watch it when it's on TBS, because I hear if you watch the uncut version on pay cable or video you see Dolph's ass, and no one wants to see that.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/16/2009 3:43:40 PM)
Rating: 3.00 throwing stars
Genre: Ninja flick
Starring: Some Ninja Guy, a Bunch of 1970's Guys, Some Blonde Chick, The Ninja Guy's Kid
Plot: Evil Ninja guys kill the Ninja Dude's family, except for his mother and son. He takes them to America to keep them out of Ninja stuff. Sadly, an evil Ninja is operating in his city and he gets involved. Needless to say, our Ninja hero kills a lot of evil Ninja scum. Hey! They shoulda got this guy for those Revenge of the Nerds movies. "The jocks burned down the dorm! Oh look, someone stuck throwing stars in their eyes!" Or maybe those Revenge of the Pink Panther movies. Uh, then again, maybe not.
Viewing Advice: If you like Ninja flicks, I recommend this one. It's not that bad a flick. It does fall into that B movie 1970's style, but it's not nearly as bad as a lot of those flicks. And it's a shitload better than Ninja 3: the Domination!
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 6:25:17 PM)
Rating: 0.00 titanium fangs
Genre: Shitty horror/martial arts/ cyborg movie
Starring: An assortment of washed up American actors and washed up Japanese actors, all badly dubbed
Plot: Japanese kung fu drug dealers are using kung fu vampires to fight the American DEA (which surprisingly opts to use guns instead of kung fu). Apparently, they blow up one of our DEA agents and our government brings him back as a cyborg.
Viewing Advice: Hey, you know how old martial arts movies are kinda stupid, and the acting is bad, and everything is poorly dubbed and the moves look so fake? But they're fun to watch anyway? Well, forget that theory, because this movie just fucking sucks. Oh yeah, when you rent it, the box will probably have a cool picture of Robocop on the front cover. There's no Robocop, nor any cyborg looking anything like him. The "cyborg" in this piece of excrement is actually a bad actor in a thick mylar jacket with the hood up.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 9:57:44 PM)
Rating: 4.00 of Tim Curry's garter belts
Genre: Horror Comedy Musical
Starring: This Creepy English Guy in Makeup, MeatLoaf, Susan Sarandon, That Old Dude From Spin City, and a bunch of weird looking people.
Plot: OK, this is really screwed up here. Basically (and I am writing from memory here, as I haven't seen this for a year and am only writing it now because of overwhelming demand). But anyway, Brad and Janet, a young couple played by Barry Bostwick and Susan Sarandon have car trouble and have to go into this creepy old house for refuge. Now, when you see these kind of movies, there are always very obvious clues that this house is not a good place to be waiting out a storm. For example, in this movie, the door is answered by an undead-looking butler (Clue #1) and his Goth-fetish chick looking sidekick (Clue #2) who introduces them to the guy who owns the house, a transvestite (Clue #3) mad scientist (Clue #4) named Dr. Frank N. Furter (Clue #5, ok so maybe it's not all that scary, but still, how normal can a guy be if that's his name?) And speaking of Clue, you should probably watch that too. Tim Curry is great as the butler.
Well, Frank has lots of weirdos at his house. And at one point, Meat Loaf rides his motorcycle in, but his appearance is all too brief. But, while he's there, his singing is amazing. His part is the one that no one could sing. The guys told him to just mumble if he got stuck, but he sang the whole damn thing. I think he was the only guy to ever play that role who could do that. What can I say? The Loaf rules.
Dr. Furter's master plan, which he attended to in between musical numbers, was to create a man. Kind of like Frankenstein, but whereas Frankenstein created a freakish undead guy, Frank N Furter creates a blond guy in his underwear, who was most likely the inspiratipon for the He-Man cartoon.
Oddly enough, Susan Sarandon ends up having a sexual tension with Furter. And Brad gets jealous because "Dammit! Janet!" a guy doesn't want his wife to have an affair with a guy who looks like he just got back from the Judy Garland convention. But it all kind of works out in the end, paving the way for a sequel. Too bad the sequel sucks.
Viewing Advice: OK, if you're renting, you may wish to skip all that stuff like throwing toast and toilet paper at the screen and shooting water guns. You may, however, feel free to shout out "Buy an umbrella you cheap bitch!" when you see Janet walk through the rain, with little fear of property damage (unless your wife or girlfriend is there and is a feminist). And never ever watch that piece of shit sequel.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 9:50:31 PM)
Rating: 4.00 Isaac Hayes theme songs
Genre: Blaxploitation
Starring: Richard Roundtree
Plot: Shaft is the man, who something, something, and won't diss his brother man, or something, and he's one bad mother---, shut my mouth?! But I'm talking about Shaft! Yeah, well, you better dig it!
Anyway, this pimp's daughter was kidnapped. The pimp hires Shaft to get her back. Shaft gets a black revolutionary guy to help him, and they all go up against the Mafia.
Viewing Advice: I am not a fan of the 70's. I don't particularly like detective movies. So a detective movie set in the 70's isn't exactly my speed. Yet, I really liked this movie. Roundtree has this cool vibe, dude. So is this film going in the 4-5 Club? You damn right... Should you go rent it? You damn right...
Also, some personal advice. Never trust a guy named "Bumpy"
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 9:48:53 PM)
Rating: 0.00 shitty sequels
Genre: Crap sequel to a classic horror comedy musical
Starring: Oh crap, I don't even remember. I think that Sarandon and Bostwick were in it, but maybe they were smart enough to pass on this film role. Oh yeah, I think they had a creepy midget guy.
Plot: It's after the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Brad and Janet are having marital troubles. And some general guy is trying to kill Brad (or was that Janet?). To be honest, I tried to watch this, but after about 25 minutes, I switched over to some stupid beach movie on USA. And I was thankful!
Viewing Advice: Don't watch this. Try to catch a better film like the Silencers or Universal Soldier or Blair Witch instead.
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