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Realm of Rikonia
Rikonian Revuze
(Movies)
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Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 9:45:39 PM)
Rating: 3.00 damn space hippies
Genre: Direct to Video Sci Fi Thriller
Starring: Jack Scalia (Funny, I thought he was a Supreme Court Justice), some damn hippie space guy, and this cool dude named Carlos
Plot: Evil aliens steal a cow and kill a guy in the 60s. Years later, evil aliens with black eyes and funky sonic powers kill a senator and Jack Scalia (one of the 2 characters in this movie you can actually root for) is upset because he failed to stop them, then he ends up befriending one of the lamest aliens I've ever seen (though JarJar is much much lamer, but still, this guy sucks), and trying to save him from the evil alien leader (played by Carlos something or other) who for some reason looks just like Clark Kent. Come to think of it, he DOES have strange powers beyond those of mortal men, and he DOES wear glasses to conceal his identity. Anyway, they all fight and a bunch of people die and... well, I'd hate to ruin the ending for you, so I'll stop here.
Viewing Advice: If you're watching USA Up All Night, and Gilbert Gottfried or Rhonda or Kato Kaelin or whoever the hell they have now says "Up next: Silencers" and there's nothing else on, or you lost the remote, then watch it, it's actually kind of enjoyable. Otherwise, don't bother.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 9:44:38 PM)
Rating: 3.00 killer cyborgs
Genre: Sci-fi
Starring: Mario Van Peebles, Gary Busey, Dolph Lundgren
Plot: The military has created the ultimate soldier. He's a robot named Solo. But Solo has a conscience and the military brass don't like it. So there's talk of having him dismantled after he messes up a mission because he didn't want to blow up a bunch of innocent people.
The supreme military guy sends Gary Busey after Solo, who has been taken in by the villager he aborted the mission to save. Meanwhile Solo kills a bunch of evil commie troops who threaten the village. Then all hell breaks loose. And then, the evil robot, played by Dolph Lundgren, shows up.
Now what I don't get is, in the first mission, the basic plan is, they blow up this hill (which would kill the afforementioned innocent people) so Solo and a few human soldiers can attack this commie airstrip. Now, mny question is, if Solo is so much faster and stronger, and bulletproff, that he can practically take on a whole army all by himself, why the hell did they use this half ass plan? Just send him in solo, as his fucking name suggests, and let him dish out some anti-commie action, Arnie-style! I mean, I sincerely hope that the secret military leaders that I pay my taxes to support aren't dumbasses like the general in this movie!
And why did these guys build the Dolph droid? Have they learned nothing from Universal Soldier?!
Viewing Advice: Are you a big fan of Mario Van Peebles or Dolph Lundgren? Do you just love super-robot movies? Are you stuck awake at 3 AM and have to choose between this and the Juiceman informercial? If so, watch this movie. Otherwise, you can pass.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 9:41:53 PM)
Rating: 5.00 Cheezy Poofs™
Genre: Animated comedy
Starring: Trek Parker, Matt Stone, and a lot of cutouts.
Plot: Four small children in a quiet mountain town help their neighbors, respect authority and behave with impeccable manners. OK, seriously, if you have seen the show, you know that the first sentence was a total lie. And if you have not seen the show, then what's wrong with you asswipe? South Park rules. And this film is no exception. I HATE musicals. But there are two exceptions. Rocky Horror Picture Show and South Park. Basically, the whole movie is about how some kids sneak into an R rated movie and learn profanity, then the parents get all riled up, declare war on Canada, and bring about Armageddon. And yes, all of your favorite elements of the show are there. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny, Terrance and Philip, and the ridiculous adult cast. Yes, Kenny dies, but that's only the beginning of his odyssey. Just watch the film.
Viewing Advice: Watch the film. Definately. Unless you're easily offended, then stay away, stay far away! Run for your life, they're singing the Uncle****er song!
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 5/22/2013 1:03:30 PM)
Rating: 4.00 zombie tribbles
Genre: Sci fi franchise flick
Starring: Chris Pine, Sylar, Sherlock, Shaun of the Dead, Harold, Robocop
Plot: I liked the first Trek reboot flick, despite its' problems. But this movie is much much better.
Benedict Cumberbatch is awesome, as expected (especially the voice, it's like a young Alan Rickman as a Kryptonian Terminator from Hell). We get Kirk vs. Cumberbatch, as expected. We get Kirk and Spock's humorous interections, as expected. We get visually stunning fights, crashes, explosions, and stunts, as expected.
But we get more. We get a glimpse at life on 23rd century Earth, which makes the stakes of the film seem more important, because when a city is threatened, we see that this isn't just abstract geometrical future city model 2634253-B. It's a city with people, and cars, and businesses, and homes. Like the cities we live in.
We get to see the formation of a more militarized Starfleet.
We get to see villains with reasons for what they do. Reasons that at times we have to think about and consider that they may be at least partly right. Like
Ok, I see that I'm going to have to put a lot of this review in the spoiler tags. So I'm going to review what I can outside of them, then put the rest of this review in one big tag. Deal?
The crew's characterizations are dead on, with the exception of some of Kirk's choices, but I can chalk that up to him being shaken up by the events of the first portion of the film. Scotty is hilarious, but, more importantly, Pegg is becoming more like Scotty than in the last film. His performance is not a jarring bump out of the movie this time.
We do need to see more Sulu next movie though. Although the line he does get is fucking awesome.
The action setpieces are very thrilling, very stunning, and for the most part make sense.
The plot behind the plot seems obvious to everyone except Kirk and his crew, but then they're busy dealing with other things.
| Press the shiny red button! You know you want to... PRESS EEEEEET! |
Cumberbatch makes an awesome Q, doesn't he?
OK, just kidding. As you likely guessed, he plays KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!! And I have to say, he is a convincing ruthless genetically engineered superhuman. I look forward to the inevitible square-off between Daniel Craig's 007 and Cumberbatch's Max Zorin. He is logic, but also decisiveness, controlled recklessness, and physicality. Really, he's sort of an amalgamation of the strengths of Kirk and Spock.
But it's not just the intensity and depth BC brings to his portrayal. Not just the rage buried under the calculating exterior. The script has Khan doing things that normal hu-mons cannot do. That is refreshing. For too long, Trek has shied away from superhumans being actually physically superhuman. Prior to the reboot, the only time I can think of where we see anything approaching this was Data in First Contact. But Abrams is good at it. Great at it. Nero in Star Trek. Khan and Spock in Into Darkness.
There is one issue, of course. Khan doesn't look very much like the Khan we all remember. But when you watch the movie, and the full backstory is revealed, think about this: a little plastic surgery being done to Khan makes sense plotwise, to help conceal what has been done. Remember, in the prior timeline, they had the technology, at about this point in history, to make humans look like Romulans. So making a Sikh look like a white guy, removing a key physical identifying trait to conceal his identity, is not beyond the realms of possibility or plausibility.
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Viewing Advice: Watch this film on the big screen, you'll be glad you did.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 9:39:35 PM)
Rating: 3.00 lightsabers
Genre: Science fiction
Starring: That dude from that Scottish heroin flick, Liam Neeson, some kid, Natalie Portman, some old dude who may have played the dean in Animal House
Plot: For a good plot synopsis, check out Weird Al's new single The Saga Begins. The film had good points and bad points, or should I say, Light Side and Dark Side. On the Light Side: Awesome special effects, cool acting from most of the cast, a pretty engaging plot, Darth Maul kicked ass, plus the usual Star Wars elements. The Dark Side: JarJar is even more annoying than I could have guessed. And he still lives at the end of the film, paving the way for his appearance in the sequel (ack!), the Trade Federation accents were the worst I've ever heard. I don't think any of these guys went to the same accent coach. One dude sounded vaguely Chinese, another sounds kinda Mexican, another almost seems to be doing a real shitty Dracula impression, and I swear one guy was Scottish! ("Anakin! Ye look like a wee lil baby! Get in me tummy! I want my babyback babyback babyback ribs..."), plus the theater's sound system was off balance and the treble was too tinny. I know this isn't the movie's fault, but what the hell. Anyway, the Trainspotting dude put in a great performance, as did Neeson. The guy who played Palpatine was cool too. But I look forward to the second flick, which should be better still.
Note: The preceding is, of course, an old review. I didn't edit the text to reflect my changed attitude after the other prequel films, but I did drop the rating down a bit, to reflect my slightly shifted opinion.
Viewing Advice: See the film, but try to do so in a theater with a perfectly tuned sound system, and don't eat beforehand. There's no gore or anything, but that JarJar could make you puke real easy.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 9:35:45 PM)
Rating: 3.00 bad Belgian actors
Genre: Martial arts
Starring: That crazy Belgian dude who takes drugs and smashes hotel rooms, Raul Julia, some hot Chinese chick, a lot of other people.
Plot: M. Bison (played by Raul Julia) is an evil warlord in a foam rubber padded uniform trying to get a few billion for some hostages. Jean Claude Van Damme is Col. Guile, who'se heading up the AN effort to stop him. Actually, since Guile is from America, that makes Jean Claude an AN/US agent, which is somewhat appropriate.
Meanwhile, Ken and Ryu are trying to con evil crime lord Sagat out of some money by selling him fake guns. Sagat finds out and forces them to fight in his arena, when the AN/US forces storm the place and arrest everyone.
Meanwhile, Chun-Li is reporting on the crisis while planning to go take down Bison with the help of her production staff which is composed of E. Honda and for some reason, Balrog.
Viewing Advice: OK, this isn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be, and even though the movie was written as a vehicle for then-star Jean Claude Van Damme, he is mercifully off screen for much of it. Actually, the comic relief elements were quite well executed, particulary the part toward the end with Bison and Dee-Jay. All in all, if you must see a Van Damme movie, this would be the one to see.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 9:34:28 PM)
Rating: 3.00 ha-dou-kens
Genre: Anime street fighting movie
Starring: A bunch of people in a sound studio and some lines and colors.
Plot: OK, you ever play Street Fighter II?
Viewing Advice: Well, this is surely not the best anime film out there, but it's not too shabby. If your'e a big Street Fighter fan, check it out.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/21/2009 11:25:53 PM)
Rating: 4.00 cheesy movie references
Genre: Movie parody (superhero)
Starring: Some kids, the great Leslie Neilson, that D-bag from all those Sandler movies
Plot: What's this? A "movie movie" in the 4-5 Club? WHY?!!!
Well look, I know that the "__________ Movie" movies tend to suck. Sure the first two were ok despite being parodies of Scream, which was itself a parody. That's like if I got an accordian and wrote "Dare To Be Cupid" about ABC cancelling that show twice (they were probably just jerking the writer around. Or maybe the first show was just part of their evil cult's plot to unleash Jeremy Piven onto the world. A cult of Ari Golds, now that's a scary thought!). Recent ________ Movies had "jokes" like "hey what if Borat was on that beach from Pirates of the Carribean and... well that's it? I think it'd go a little something like this..."
But this movie is actually good. Sure the base plot is a ripoff of Spider-Man, but that's expected. Practically a requirement for this genre. But in Superhero Movie, they did several things to make this movie actually work.
First, they kept the movie refs reigned in so they didn't detract from the actual movie.
Second, since this is a parody of an actual movie and not a genre (or as is more frequently the case, a random clump of movies that happen to be in the cultural zeitgeist the year the parody was made), it actually has a plot that could be detracted from by clumsy cutaways.
Third, they had a fairly original villain. Sure Chris McDonald (the perennial douchebag in so many Adam Sandler movies) is filling the Green Goblin's role as best friend's dad/rich D-bag/supervillain. But the writers didn't take the easy out and just pick a color and alliterative mythological create (although the Lavender Leprechaun would have been funny). They made up a new villain, Hourglass, whose powers and motif are not based on any Spidey movie villains, although he is similar to certain incarnations of the Vulture in his need to absorb life energy.
Fourth, they got Leslie Neilson. The guy who made the Naked Gun movies great. The guy who made Dracula Dead and Loving It great. The guy who made that lame 2001 parody actually semi-watchable. And Neilson is in top form as Not-Uncle-Ben.
Viewing Advice: If you see only one "___________ Movie" movie (and really that's a damn good idea) see this one. It's very funny and well written and acted for a parody movie. And one more thing. Hug it out, bitches. Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
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