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Realm of Rikonia
Rikonian Revuze
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Reviewed By: Zerebus ( 10/17/2009 7:48:36 PM)
Rating: 3.00 Engrish Muffins
Genre: Science Fiction
Starring: Takeshi Kaneshiro, Anne Suzuki
Plot: The Returner is a Japanese science fiction movie that unabashedly rips off numerous Hollywood films. With elements from The Terminator, Transformers, The Matrix, and Close Encounters of the Third Kind mashed up against Japanese cultural stereotypes and she's-too-young-for-this-to-be-right male-female relationships, the Returner is a surprisingly entertaining movie about a time traveling resistance member who must recruit a Japanese Keanu Reeves to stop a war with the not-Decepticons. Look out for hilarious Engrish sequences, lots of wire fu, and a heavy dose of forced disbelief suspension.
I have yet to finish watching this movie. I have tried five times to finish watching this movie. I just can't do it. You see, I have this condition wherein I have to breathe in order to survive. Allow me to explain the problem: About half way through the movie, there is a flash-back-forward sequence (how does one categorize a flash back of the future?) to a secret rebel stronghold filled with mostly American actors. These people clearly know how to speak English. Unfortunately, they are being paid to speak lines that don't quite match up with proper English grammar. Hearing "Our heaviest flyboy is no good!" being used to describe a rifle's ineffectiveness against the not-Decepticons is apparently more than I can take. Simply put, this sequence has repeatedly left me in a state of catatonic laughter so severe that I have to stop the movie. Attempts to restart the movie or jumping ahead to anything short of the credits will resume my affliction.
Ah well. This is also why I'll never be able to finish the last (extra!) episode of Excel Saga, either. Man. Needing to breathe sucks.
Overall, the Returner is a fun movie. I give it two and a half Engrish Muffins out of five, because that's about how far into the film I ever seem to get.
Viewing Advice: Viewers are advised not to be drinking or eating during the Air Force mountain base attack sequence. You engage in such activities at the peril of your surroundings.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 8:37:58 PM)
Rating: 4.00 "tumahs"
Genre: Science Fiction
Starring: Ahnauld Shwartzennhardtospell, that lesbo icepick chick, Louie from Taxi, Sam Fisher, a chick with three knocker, a dude with a freaky mutant puppet growing out of his stomach, Ahnauld Shwartzennhardtospell on video
Plot: Douglas Quaid (Ahnauld) is a construction worker who wants to go to Mars. Sharon Stone is his wife who doesn't want him to go to Mars. Against the advice of his twin brother (or was that another movie?), Arnie goes to Rekall, a travel place where instead of sending you someplace, they implant the memory of going there. But Quaid has real memories of being on Mars as a secret agent that get unlocked. And now Sam Fisher is trying to kill him, even though Sam Fisher's boss doesn't want him dead.
This movie was surprisingly good. A lot of times, people complain about product placement, but I found the product placement to be a very innovative part of this movie. One thing that makes most sci-fi seem totally unrealistic to me is the total lack of brand names anywhere. It's amazing how much believability a Fuji billboard in the background, or a soft drink can can (hehe) bring to a movie.
Viewing Advice: This movie is very entertaining. But after you watch it, you really must try to track down the Total Recallin' MP3. You have not lived until you've heard a Tom Petty song parody sung in a bad Austrian accent.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 8:35:39 PM)
Rating: 4.00 flying poodles
Genre: Comedy
Starring: Weird Al. That guy from Weird Al's band who I used to think played Thor in that Hulk telemovie, the SNL chick with the annoying voice, a cool Japanese guy, the CBS sitcom chick with the annoying voice, Cosmo Kramer, an evil old guy, a creepy long-haired mad sceintist guy, and a midget.
Plot: George Newman (Weird Al) is a loser. Until he gets put in charge or a UHF station that his uncle won in a poker game. The station starts to take off with zany shows like "Wheel of Fish!" and a runaway hit kids show starring Stanley Spidowski (Kramer), whos only question on being offered a TV show was "uh, can I still be the janitor?" Of course, when the evil old guy who runs the local network affiliate gets wind that a UHF station is beating him in the ratings, he plots to destroy his rival.
Can George turn his life around, or will the evil old guy crush him?
Viewing Advice: A very fun film. Check your brain and enjoy. Then watch the commentary.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/14/2009 12:00:00 AM)
Rating: 2.00 human ears
Genre: Science Fiction
Starring: Jean Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, some cute chick reporter, some evil government guys and corrupt science guys, and a military van with a freeezer unit.
Plot: Toward the end of the Vietnam War, Dolph Lundgren is a psycho who kills people and wears their ears aroud his neck. Van Damme finds out, and the two of them kill each other in a shittily acted sequence. Then, both are revived for the Universal Soldier program in the 80's, because apparently, the scientists can only use dead soldiers with really atrocious accents. Anyway, what the fuck is this? These guys die in fucking Vietnam and they are reanimated in the 80's?! All I can say is, wow. I can't even keep leftover burgers for more than a week, but these guys lasted for like a decade in a cemetary?
Anyway, they regain their memories and try to kill each other.
Viewing Advice: If you are a Dolph fan, a Van Damme fan, or an undead-killer-cyborg-with-a-shitty-accent fan, watch this movie, otherwise, forget it
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/14/2009 12:00:00 AM)
Rating: 2.00 thought matrixes (1.99 more than the writers have)
Genre: Science Fiction
Starring: Jean Claude Van Damme, that hamburger helper looking dude from Spawn, some chick reporter who, while cute, was not nearly as cute as the one from the last movie, some blue-haired freak, some evil government guys and corrupt science guys, and Whoopie Goldberg
Plot: The Unisol project is still on, and Jean Claude Van Damme has returned! No, wait, he just kinda stayed around. You gotta leave to return.
OK, then, the other Unisols return! No, wait, they all died, and these are all new Unisols. Um, well someone has returned, and there are lots of new Unisols, the squad leader of whom is some big bald wrestler dude named Whoopie Goldberg. The project gets cancelled, and Seth (the AI in charge of it) panics and starts killing people, trying to keep from being deactivated. Of course, the guys who designed teh system gave Seth complete control over the Unisols, so they all serve him. It's kinda like the Borg except these guys have less implants and are all wrestlers instead of pasty goth punks with a techno fetish. Anyway, Jean Claude Van Damme hooks up with yet another cute chick reporter to try to stop them. Yeah, Jean Claude, maybe if you team up with Cynthia Rothrock or Linda Hamilton next time, you'll have better luck.
But Van Damme had no time to reflect on thoughts such as that, because Seth downloads his brain into Michael Jai White (the dude from Spawn, only he's not all burned up and demon-possessed now), and Seth's new body is the ultimate Unisol.
Viewing Advice: Did you see Universal Soldier? If you haven't and are at all worried about not getting the plot of #2, then go to the video store, ask for a copy of Universal Soldier, and then proceed to beat yourself to death with it, right there in the cashier's line. Because if you cannot follow this plot, then socially and Darwinically speaking, we do not need you.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 8:37:54 PM)
Rating: 4.00 I forgot what rating type to use
Genre: Amnesia-based thriller
Starring: Jim Cavihoweveryouspellit, Joey Pants, the Talk Soup guy
Plot: 5 people wake up locked in a warehouse, with no idea how they got there. They have to work together, even though it quickly becomes apparent that some of them are criminals and others are victims. As for who's who? Well I won't ruin the surprise of who's who. But odds are, some of them you'll guess right, some you'll guess wrong.
Anyway, Joey Pants wakes up tied to a chair, and provides amusing comic relief for a good portion of the film, but for the most part, the movie is pretty serious about the conflicts and shifting alliances between these unhinged men who cannot remember who they actually are or who they should be teaming up with.
The movie maintains a great deal of tension even after they pretty much tell you who is who.
Viewing Advice: Pause the movie after a few minutes, and think about who you think is who. Then watch to see if you're right.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/15/2009 6:23:39 PM)
Rating: 4.00 remakes of old TV shows
Genre: Science Fiction Western. That's right... science fiction western.
Starring: The Fresh Prince of kicking alien ass and that guy who kept trying to kill John Cleese in A Fish Called Wanda
Plot: West, an Army captain and Artemis Gordon, a US Marshal team up to stop Dr. Loveless (an evil guy with no legs). Along the way we see some weird tech stuff, some of which would be considered advanced today. We also see lots of that overacting we love so much from Will Smith and lots of that subtle comedic style we love so much from Kevin Kline. This movie has the standard mismatched buddy cop style to it that made Lethal Weapon I so fun to watch. And one more thing... that friggin' giant robot spider rules!
Viewing Advice: I liked this film. I've heard mixed reviews from my friends. But one thing I noticed is the people who really hated this film are mostly fans of the original show (I had never seen it). So if you are a big fan of the original show, skip this movie. If you are not, then watch this movie. It's funny.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 1/10/2010 11:19:20 AM)
Rating: 0.00 nacho libres
Genre: Pretentious tripe masquerading as a comedy.
Starring: George Michael Bluth, Zack Galagreekguy, Tommy Vercetti, Ol' Bug Eyes
Plot: Not since Nacho Libre have I been so psyched and so wretchedly disappointed in the same movie.
This movie had almost everything going for it, so I still cannot understand how it failed so abyssmally to entertain. I'm a big fan of Michael Cera. I'm, a big fan of Zach Galafanakis. Fred Willard always amuses me. Steve Buscemi always puts in an interesting performance. Ray Liotta is awesome. I even find Justin Long funny (though I am aware that according to modern science, just admitting that last bit does make me a douchebag).
And this movie has most everything a great Michael Cera comedy needs. It has his self-effacing nerdy badboy wannabe wit, it has over the top not quite likable characters, it has even more over the top shennanigans.
But it lacks any sense of comedic pacing. Yes, there's funny moments in the movie, and if you saw the trailer, then congratulations, you saw pretty much every good moment in this film, and saved yourself about 80 minutes or so.
The movie has ther dull plodding pace of a bad art film, with just enough hints of zaniness to make you hold out hope, for the first half hour or so, that it's a slow buildup to a more fun or entertaining or interesting film. Maybe when the alternate persona emerges, this movie will stop jerking us around and start being entertaining. Nope, doesn't happen. And the notion of such an alternate persona is usually very interesting. Look at Fight Club for the best example. This movie, despite blatantly cribbing the whole Tyler Durden angle, falls far too short of that mark.
The movie remains bland throughout, and the big "will he get caught for the arson?" question they toss out then resolve then toss out again is answered in the same sort of bland "meh, whatever" manner the rest of this movie plods along in.
Viewing Advice: Rent Superbad. Rent Fight Club. Get two TVs and DVD players, put the TVs side by side and watch both disks simultaneously.
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