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Realm of Rikonia
Rikonian Revuze
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Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 4:53:10 PM)
Rating: 5.00 magic razor hats
Genre: 1970's kung fu epic
Starring: A magic hat. Also, a bunch of Chinese guys from the 1970's
Plot: It's China in the distant past. A time before such innovations as the automobile, guns, and eyebrow trimmers.
In this dark time, there is some serious strife in China, and a rebel hero known as the One Armed Boxer is sought by the corrupt new ruler of China. He is called the One Armed Boxer because he fights without weapons and because he only has one arm, thus giving new meaning to "unarmed combat". The One Armed Boxer is an amazing warrior, who is able to defy gravity and possesses incredible skill. Amazingly enough, he is also capable of subtle acts of shapeshifting, like how in some scenes he has a gut and in other scenes he does not, and in some scenes, a triangular bulge can be seen expanding from his back briefly. It looks almost like the missing arm was being clumsily hidden under the shirt and they didn't bother to do retakes, but several experts in the mystical Chinese fighting arts assure me that this sort of torso shapeshifting is the result of advanced breath techniques which channel the chi.
At any rate, the evil ruler of China wants the Notorious OAB dead. So he picks the only suitable assassin to send after a One Armed Boxer: a blind guy with a magic razor hat. The evil blind guy also possesses giant bushy eyebrows, which leads me to wonder if he was in fact truly blind, or if he could someday see again if he could trim those suckers. Sadly, since the eyebrow trimmer was apparently not invented yet, we will never know the answer to this question. The blind man may have been blind, and lacking in basic eyebrow maintenence, but he more than made up for it with his hat, the Flying Guillotine, which would fly through the air and lop people's heads off.
This movie has a one-armed guy fighting a blind guy with a magic hat. That alone is worth the rental, but there's more. The one-armed guy is played by Jimmy Wang Yu, who, in addition to having the perfect Chinese porn name, is also a megastar for playing one-armed guys despite the obvious handicap of actually having two arms. And the Flying Guillotine is also a major star of 1970's Hong Kong cinema. Not the old blind guy. The hat is a major star. So, when you break it down, this movie is, in addition to it's own merits, basically the Freddy Vs. Jason of 1970's Kung Fu.
But wait, there's more! You also get the tournament! An amazing martial arts spectacle where people from different lands fight using cheesy special moves. They even have an Indian guy with stretchy limbs (sound familiar, Guile fans?) and a guy named Win Without A Knife who has a very ironic way to win his fights.
Of course, no 1970's kung fu flick would be complete without some stupid writing. Like when a one armed bum is making trouble in a restaurant and the blind guy killed him, thinking he's that other one-armed guy. When confronted with his mistake, the Stevie Wonder of archvillains exclaims "I do not care! I will kill every one-armed kung fu man I come across until I kill the One Armed Boxer!" By the way, there are about three or four one armed guys in this flick.
Viewing Advice: To properly enjoy this movie you must be in the right mindset, which I will refer to as the "guy mindset". This mindset is one whereupon the subject enjoys seeing kung fu fighting, bad acting and ludicrous special effects. This is not the movie to watch if you want to see a serious treatise on ancient Chinese historical strife or gain any insight into the mystical or spiritual tenets of kung fu. But if you want to see kung fu fighting, a magic decapitating flying hat, and a cripple fight, then this is the flick for you.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 4:54:58 PM)
Rating: 4.00 dead flies
Genre: Psychological thriller/horror
Starring: Jeff Goldblum, Kathy Baker, a bunch of British people, some flies, and a dog
Plot: Jeff Goldblum is a creepy scary looking psycho who just might be the devil! Oh yeah, and he made this film where he plays a killer named Mr. Frost.
Basically, Mr. Frost killed a bunch of people, and plays these Hannibal Lechter type mind games with the chick who'se trying to rehabilitate him, because his big devil plan involves her killing him. Apparently the Four Horsemen are on strike or something.
Viewing Advice: Don't watch this film if you are easily weirded out. It's a good film if you're into those freaky psychological thrillers, and it is scary, but if you are expecting the Exorcist, forget it.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/21/2009 6:51:24 PM)
Rating: 3.00 stupid head-bobs
Genre: Comedy
Starring: Will Ferrel, that creepy little dude from SNL, Molly Shannon, Molly Shannon's cleavage, Colin Quinn, Mr. Tortelli, some dude who I thought was Ben Affleck, but isn't, and Richard Grieco
Plot: Two idiots dance badly at nightclubs, behave like total jackasses and get pushed around a lot. Actually, there is a surprising amount of depth here. This movie did something I would have figured impossible: given the "SNL dancing idiot guys" a depth of character. You will find yourself actually caring if they get their nightclub dream or not. Molly's cleavage was actually nominated for an oscar for best supporting cleavage. Oh yeah, and Colin Quinn plays kind of an asshole.
Viewing Advice: If you liked all those weird slacker party-dude comedy movies in the 80's, you will love this movie.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 4:56:57 PM)
Rating: 1.00 shurikens
Genre: Shitty Ninja flick
Starring: Creepy One-Eyed Japanese Guy, Creepy Two Eyed Japanese Guy, Cute Chick, Cop Who Looks A Lot Like Todd McFarlane
Plot: Ninja III, the Domination? No, it's not shitty Hentai anime. It's a shitty Ninja movie. Evil Ninja guy kills a bunch of guys at a golf course, and then kills a bunch of cops and gets shot to death. But before he dies, he puts his soul into the body of this hot chick who works for the phone company. She starts dating the cop who looks like Todd McFarlane, even though he's one of the cops who killed the Ninja guy and she is now going out and killing those cops one by one because she's possessed. Meanwhile, One-Eyed Japanese Guy is stalking her to try to kill the evil spirit.
Now the complaints: The acting sucks. It looks like the producers hired the roadies from a frickin' Poison concert tour to do visual effects. There's this really frickin' stupid scene in this Japanese healer's basement where they chain up the possessed chick and she does some real crappy Linda Blair type stuff (this is why they don't have The Vault in Japan). Oh yeah, and this movie has a LOT of really shitty 80's music. You know the music I mean. It's the stuff that they never played on MTV or the radio and you only heard it in shitty movies like this. This movie did have one thing going for it, though. The Ninja fight scenes and Ninja murder scenes are pretty cool. Hell, before they bring in that stupid possession bit, this movie is pretty frickin' cool.
Viewing Advice: Do you like Ninjas? I mean, do you really really like Ninjas? Enough to put up with a really shitty movie, just to see some Ninja stuff? If so, rent this and fast forward through the non-Ninja fight parts. Believe me, you aren't gonna miss much.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 4:58:47 PM)
Rating: 3.00 uh, martial art things
Genre: Martial Arts
Starring: Some dude, a chick, this old Russian guy, this middle aged guy and that druggie from Belgium
Plot: This dude who has a karate studio doesn't sell out to the Russian Mob, and Jean Claude Van Damme breaks his leg. Later, he's moved to a new town, and is trying to get his kid to stop studying karate. Of course this means that a gang of karate-student bullies will start harassing him.
Anyway, the kid fights off the bullies, but the fat one (yes, a fat karate student bully. Think Francis from Pee Wee's Big Adventure but without the physical fitness regimen) starts stirring up all sorts of shit, and there's a big fight with the champion or something (I forget, I didn't really pay attention to this part).
Anyway, watch for the bits with Bruce Lee's ghost (oddly enough, not played by Bruce Lee), and the big fight at the end between whatsisname and Jean Claude Van Damme.
Viewing Advice: This film's not that bad, and does have a certain charm if you like '80s movies. So all you '80s nostalgia fans should go rent it. What with the hair, music, and those damn montage training scenes that seemed to be everywhere back then, this is a classic example of '80s cinema. If, on the other hand, you hate the '80s, then you should skip this and go rent Nowhere or the Blair Witch Project, you god-damned Greatest-Decade-Ever-hating philistines!
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 6/3/2013 12:04:51 AM)
Rating: 5.00 teleportation helmets
Genre: Magical Mystery Tour
Starring: Zombieland, the Tooth Fairy, Alfred, Lucius Fox, the Hulk, Green Goblin's kid brother
Plot: Now You See Me has a great cast, and it knows how to play to their strengths. Jessie Eisenberg is a fast talking douche, Isla Fischer is a more than capable verbal foil for him, Mark Ruffalo gets mad, Woody Harrelson just Woody Harrelsons it up. Hell, they even have Morgan Freeman in a role where delivering exposition in character makes sense and fits the film's plot and pace perfectly. And Leterrier's European-inspired pacing also suits the film well.
From the first introduction of the Four Horsemen, to their first crime (the teleporting bank robbery you all saw on the trailer), to the manhunt, betrayals, mishaps, chases, and fights, this movie excels. A perfect mixture of humor, suspense, and puzzles for the viewer to try to work out before the film reveals them (most notably, who should you be rooting for? is there a fifth Horseman? what is the Four Horsemen's endgame? will it work? and is their magic actually real?) await you if you choose this movie.
You'll guess some of this, and guess correctly. But I promise you that you'll be wrong about at least some of it. Now You See Me has a masterfully crafted plot that is delightfully twisted. And the big shocker at the end where
may well leave you congratulating the movie on foiling your attempts to predict it.
Viewing Advice: Don't look too closely. Not because the closer you look, the less you will actually see, but rather because if you sit in those close seats, you'll get real bad neck strain from looking up the whole time.
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 10/17/2009 4:59:36 PM)
Rating: 0.00 pills
Genre: Science Fiction (allegedly)
Starring: Who knows, who cares? A bunch of nobodies and if there is any justice they will all remain that way
Plot: What plot? I sat through about 45 minutes of this drek and the only plot I could see is a bunch of 20-somethigns doing drugs and almost but not quite having sex. The lead character seemed to be doing a really poor quality Keannu Reeves imitation. I think there was supposed to be an alien invasion or something, but all I saw in the 45 minutes leeway I gave this shithole of a movie was a dude in a crocodile suit at a bus stop. All in all, this film gives the distinct impression of being a real shitty film school project.
Viewing Advice: Don't. Do not view this film on television. Do not rent it. Do not go to a film festival if this film is playing. If you are stranded in a space station and a mad scientist tries to force you to watch this film, then vent the airlocks and at least make your death quick. Allow me to reiterate... this film SUCKS!!!
Reviewed By: Lord High Rikonian ( 2/19/2013 2:33:02 PM)
Rating: 4.00 bald dudes
Genre: Crime revenge thriller
Starring: The Stahamator, Thing Mackie, J-Lo, not Woody Harrelson in a cowboy hat
Plot: Jason Statham is subject to a very particular typecast. Not just a slick badass criminal, but a slick badass criminal who lives by a code and has to go against his conspirators after they betray him. So you can be forgiven for thinking of this movie as a Marvel Ultimate version of Transporter. But really this story predates those movies, since it's based on a Richard Stark novel, and unlike Payback which changed the character name, Parker carries this banner proudly.
The story starts with a botched (thanks to the connected dumbass in the crew) but recovered heist, but of course things don't stay simple. After the heist, Michael Chiklis tries to change the deal (dude, seriously, that's Statham in the back of the car. You're just gonna get your ass killed!), Parker is seemingly killed, but the aforementioned connected dumbass can't follow through so Parker lives, recovers, and seeks out his elaborate revenge.
The movie is fun, violent, and clever. Although Statham's Texan alter ego in the second act made me wonder if they got Woody Harrelson to double for him.
Viewing Advice: If you like Jason Statham movies, you'll like this movie. This is a prime example of a Statham film. If you like to see Michael Chiklis lose his shit, you'll like this movie.
GENERAL ADVICE: If you're committing a crime and working with a bald British dude, DON'T BETRAY HIM! It won't end well for you. I don't care if the crime is sneaking into a theater, the betrayal is simply not opening the fire escape to let him in, and the bald guy is Karl Pilkington, you will be brutally murdered by a shiny headed limey, and people will be cheering it.
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